This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry

Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.


Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

Hello,My Name Is Meh.

I started the day feeling really good. I had a wonderful evening and a nice and funny dream that I actually remembered when I woke up,only to have everything ruined by my aunt.

Don't get me wrong. I love both my aunts.They spoil me,they give me mostly everything I want,but they can be really mean at times. Like today.

I cleaned my bedroom at home and my grandma helped me,together with my sister. We carried everything out to have them sorted,and I decided that I wanted to move the bed frame out permamnently and just sleep on my matress on the floor.As a compromise,my grandma insisted that I use an extra matress,so that I'd be more comfortable.I agreed just to get it all over with. I then arranged my things and furniture inside the room,and now I'm so amn tired and my muscles are sore.

My aunt peeked in on me while I was arranging my books. She saw the two matresses on the floor and demanded that I give the soft one back,and said that she was just gonna use it for herself. Avoiding an argument,I pulled the mattress away while she went on with her business. When I was carryng the matress,which was not very light,by the way,on my way out of my bedroom,she stopped me and said I could keep it. In my very calm and collected voice, I told her that she was annoying, dumped the fucking mattress on the living room floor, and went back inside my room. I never talked to her again.

You see,I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I wanted to avoid an argument,for God's sake,that's why I pulled the mattress away from my room as soon as she instructed me too,even if that meant I had to rearrange all my stuff because they were all on the way of that mattress. My point is,I don't know if she was taking pleasure in getting me annoyed,or if she was just being plain selfish. It's not like I stole the thing anyway! It was my grandma who insisted on it!

I know,I know.I'm making such a big fuss out of it but I'm just really pissed right now.She does that to me all the time but when they're the ones who touch and take my things,they think it's no big fucking deal. I just had to write it all down here. I think it's better than taking it all out on her.

How People Treat You Is Their Karma,How You React Is Yours.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
 ~Hellen Keller ~




I had a really bad day today. I am not stating here what happened exactly, but I am telling you that my self esteem is pretty low tonight,or maybe, empty.


Why do people often only see physical beauty? Why do most of us feel like we have to bring someone else down so we could feel better about ourselves? The answer to this, I think, is beyond what my complicated mind can understand.No reason will be accaeptable enough for me to agree that anyone of us has any right to make someone else feel so low and unloved.


As you can see in the photo collage above, it clearly shows that I don't usually care about what others think about me. I am vain,but not as vain as a typical girl my age. To be honest with you, I think the only thing pretty about me is my hair, and sometimes I even have bad hair days, but I never refer to myself as ugly-just not good looking.


I like taking goofy photos of myself and making funny faces.I am not ashamed of showing them to people. Why would I be ashamed? I am not the type who puts my best foot forward and only posts photos when they make me look good. It really wouldn't matter if I am not at all pretty,right? I don't really care,for as long as I am comfortable and presentable,that is more than enough.


Perhaps now you have a vague idea of why I am blogging this way,saying these words. Yes, I have been bullied more than once today. The one incident,I really don't know if I should consider that bullying but it hurt me nonetheless. Sometimes,I wish people know when to shut up and keep their feet in their mouths. You know that rule or something? When you have nothing good or nice to say,keep your lips sealed. I wish people actually think before they speak,cause once you say something bad, no matter how many times you say sorry afterwards,you cannot take it back. You cannot just take it all back like nothing happened,cause the pain lingers long after your words are forgotten.


You know,if you hate me,it's totally fine with me.Just don't pretend to be my friend at all. I know what exactly a person's motives are just by looking at them, hearing them speak, or even reading their text messages or the words they say. I may appear to be very nice to you,but I know when you are being a false friend to me. I should tell you that you should beware of me if your intentions are not good. I am a true friend,but once you give me even the smallest reason to doubt,I will always be cautious of you.


And so now I am telling myself that this "friendship" is over. It is quite funny to me,you know,when I knew from the start that this is all pretense.Just you sneaky little scheme to make people think that you are,indeed, a good natured person.You might have fooled them,but not me. I can see through you. Although your physicality is not so bad,your insides are hopeless. Get well soon,bitch. Jealousy and hate are such horrible diseases. You are a toxic "friend", and I do not want to be poisoned.


It's a good thing I have just finished reading A Little Princess. I have this quote in mind right now, and I am taking it from Sara Crewe.

You don't know that you are saying these things to a princess, and that if I chose I could wave my hand and order you to execution.I only spare you because I am a princess,and you are a poor, stupid, unkind, vulgar old thing, and don't know any better.

That,my friend, says it all. Go have fun basking in all the attention and the belief that you are pretty. I don't care anyway. I never aspired to be pretty, because I know,I just know deep inside me that I am not pretty. Claim the throne, I'll even pin the glittering crown to your head. I'd much rather be simple, bold, and beautiful and be able to laugh at myself when I look like this:

or this:

Because guess what? I do not wear any make up on my face and people compliment me for these photos. I AM BEAUTIFUL, and nothing you say or do could EVER change my view.

I'll Put His Picture Down And Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight.

 Tonight,I wanna cry.

But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.

This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.

I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.

I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.

C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and  I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...

Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.

If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.

See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.

It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.

So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.

I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.

If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.

I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.

That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...

And it kills me.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Why Are We So Distant Now?

She sat by the door,craning her neck to watch the skies.


Tonight,the moon's chin was pointy and sharp,and part of its face was but a beautifully hidden shadow. A star shone brightly by its side,reminding the moon that it was not alone.


She was never the type to run away from problems.She was always one to believe that if she faced it earlier,she'd be out of it earlier.


Today,she ran away.


Not because she felt like giving up...But because she was scared she would not feel like giving up.



I'm just so confused...Why does she keep on trying to bend the truth? She told me what she thought: that I was brainwashed. That's what she always says. This was what I told her: I am not being brainwashed by anybody. I am old enough to know the truth and to choose what I should believe in.

Mom and I had a heated conversation on the phone.Well,they were only text messages cause I didn't answer her calls...Don't judge me just yet..I have my reasons.

When she lied to me face to face about her boyfriend,we didn't say anything.I've been trying so hard for so long to be happy for her,with her choices because she deserves to be happy,but why does her happiness always have to hurt us?

I just hate it when people lie to me. It always ends up badly when people tell lies. What's so wrong with the truth? Sure,it will hurt and it will not be always nice, but it will all come up eventually anyway,so why not just get it over with as soon as possible?

I just don't get people sometimes...We always make empty promises and say some words that mean nothing at all to us,when we know they mean the world to the people who receive them.I just want to get rid of all the complications we human beings make.They make life all the more difficult to live.

Like for example when we say "I am always here for you," we go wrong right there. You can't always be there for someone. You know that,at some point in time your lives will drift apart,or you would stop caring,or they will stop needing you.At some point in your lives things will change.They will take a turn for the better or for the worse--we don't know which will be which,but the point is,they will change with each passing of time.With every falling leaf. With every broken promise. With every hoping heart. With every lesson learned.

Now everytime someone tells me something,I catch myself wondering what is real and what is just added to make the story sound better.

People grow tired of believing,of trusting,hoping,and having faith when all the time they get deceived.

I am deceived of the truth. I've heard one too many empty promises.

I'm tired.

The Final Straw

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

I think I'm being the girl I used to be again. I'll wear no pretenses this time--I am so depressed. I'm tired of pretending to be so happy, so hyper just so I would not ruin the mood of my friends. I'm lonely, and I need to bleed it out or it'll stay in me forever.


I hate it,I hate being like this. Last night, I almost pleaded for my friends to stay with me. My friends in real life and some internet friends... I thought I at least deserved some of their time,since when they were the ones who needed me,I dropped everything just to be there for them. Well, they did not have time. It's so fucking disappointing,you know? I am so mad at the world. Why is everything so unfair?


Now I really know who my real friends are. Rani thought I was referring to her when I said some friends only remember me when they need something. Truth is, Rani saved me last night. She made me laugh with all those Chinese zodiacs, it was fun talking to her. She did not ignore the fact that I was a ROBOT, and she did something about it. Yasmina was there,too. I'm not surprised, she always has been there.

Anyway....I don't think I can live like this. I wish my friends know that I have feelings,too. I'm not some superhero you can run to whenever you need help. Sometimes, I need help too. Sometimes, I need you,too. I wish you could like,take five minutes out of your precious time and for once,ask me. Ask me what's wrong. Help me ease this burden in my heart. You are supposed to do that,cause you are supposed to be my friends.


Don't tell me we'll talk next time cause THERE IS NO NEXT TIME. I needed you last night. Call me selfish,call me a bitch. When it's you who needs me,I move heaven and earth just to be able to help you. I'm tired of all your excuses and all these pretenses. I can see right through you....You're not here, because you are perfectly happy with your life right now.


One day soon,you will need me again, and you will realize I'm not there aymore.


You have lost me,and I hope it gives you hell.

Softly,We Tremble Tonight

I think I blog too much, but you really can't do anything about it.

Today has been a day of keen observation. If you knew me well enough,you would know that I don't pay all that much attention to things unless I'm really bored. My mind is always floating with thoughts and ideas so most of the time, the hands of the clock would tick by and I would not even notice.

Today,I made it my business to just look around me for once.

I've never seen the road as beautiful as I have seen it today. The branches of the trees that swayed above me were beyond magical--I felt like I was in wonderland. On my way to school.I thought about stuff that I usually think about.Like why people die and why things happen.



Human beings are funny,in a way. Sometimes, we are annoyingly funny. Sometimes, it's just plain rude. I was sat in McDonald's all alone, eating my lunch in quiet stillness when a lady (she's about 25-28) asked if she could share my table.I said yes,of course.I mean what choice did I have? Even though there were tons of vacant tables, it would have been rude if I said no,right?

Well,I just realized that no matter how kind you are and no mater how good your intentions are,people would always push you to your limits and you must forgive them for that.Perhaps you make others feel like that too,at times. So the lady turned out to be VERY talkative.I was never the type who talked to strangers like we were old friends,mind you.I have trust issues. So I was wuietly nibbling (hehehe,nibbling) on my chocolate sundae, and I was having these really disturbing coughing fits in between,and she wouldn't shut up.

Nibble,nibble,nibble.She wanted to know where I lived,where I was studying,why I was at the mall, how old I was, what year was I in, what course I was taking, how long did it usually take me to get home, did I take the jeepney every single day, did I have anyone with me at the moment...The list could go on forever. Right at that very moment, I was mentally nagging myself for ever deciding to buy that chocolate sundae. All I wanted was to have some alone time with myself to be able to think things through,but her words were faster than bullet,so as soon as I put the plastic cup down,I politely excused myself and escaped the scene of the crime.

What I'm saying is, that WAS VERY RUDE. I really appreciate it when people talk to me,I mean,I do that a lot in Twitter and Facebook,but when I am eating, DO NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME. I am very strict with this ever since high school. I do not like being watched or talked to when I am eating, cause I respect and value the food. To others it may sound shallow, but why do we pray before we eat? To thank God for the blessing,right? Well, that is the reason why I like eating undisturbed. It makes the meal all the more special and sacred. That is just my opinion.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation one day,respect the other person's privacy and silence,please. As you can see,I was really pissed,and I still am,because I feel violated. I don't know why. It's just so annoying,even until now.

Standing Face To face,But A Million Miles Apart.

If there is one four letter word that is stronger than love,it's supposed to be HOME.

Home,you are supposed to be my fortress,but why does it seem like you are the dungeon I am locked in? You are supposed to shield me from the painful blows of life,but instead,you give me the wounds that take the longest to heal.I don't know if I am safe in you...

Why do we like to hurt so much? Is it not obvious yet that I am too sensitive about this family issue that you don't even realize how much pain it causes me when we talk about it? I wish I could bury the bad memories that I have,so that I can just go on with my life with nothing holding me back. Each time we look back, I cry... Not because it hurts me,but because of the knowledge that it hurts you,too,but you look back anyway...

I wish I could ask you to just forget it and move on.I wish we were actors,so that we could just pretend that it was all acting,like it was a bad comedy that did not make people laugh.But it was all real,and try as we might to conceal the agony,the pain is still there.It lingers...

I wish you knew...I wish you could hear me sob silently each night.You have no idea what I am going through,even after all these years. You could not see past my perfect charade...Or maybe you could,you just chose to ignore it,since there was nothing you could do anyway.I wish you knew how much I loved you,and that I would do anything to make you happy...But I wish you would see,even just for once,that the things that make you happy at times,are the very things that hurt me.

I am trying so hard to glue the pieces of this family back together.No one said life was easy...Nobody said it was this hard,either.But I'm coping...Day by day,I struggle to save myself from the person I might become because of all this pain...Maybe you,for once,could look at me and tell me all the words I needed to hear to make it all better...

Tell me that it is worth it...and prove it.

I Desperately Need You...

Just tell me what you want...

Cause I can't figure your mind out. All my life,I have been longing for love and acceptance. From you, from my Mom, from my sister, from my friends...I've tried so hard to be the best,not for myself,but for all of you...Because you made me feel like I am only loved when I went home with a gold medal in hand, with a Certificate to hang on the wall. If not for them, I would never be part of this family.

For two consecutive nights,I went to bed hungry because you didn't make dinner. One morning before going to school, you never spoke to me directly,but you made sure to make loud banging noises whenever you put down whatever it was you were holding, which was quite often.

It hurt me,but you didn't know.Did you even care? Do you even care?

I accidentally put on my sister's pants and she came to you almost crying because of it.Even though we wear the same size,you bought her a new pair immediately.You said that was what I got from my Mom, the habit of taking the things I didn't own.Did you know how painful that was for me?Not only because you were directly puttig me to shame,but also because I knew that in one way or another,you would always make it a point to rub it on my face how bad my Mom would always be.I was eating lunch and I asked you if we had any other available drink other than water, you made me a pitcher of orange juice. Guess what? You made me pay for the juice.

Today was not any better than those days. It was even worse, or perhaps it was the worst. You accused me of stealing my necklace from you. Why would I do that? I may be in dire need of money but I would never dream of stealing anything from anyone just to be able to cater to my needs. This, by far, is the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me.

I said no,I didn't.What was your response? You told me that it was impossible for it to just disappear like that. I don't even have the slightest idea where you put those jewelries. You're the one who's so fond of wearing them every Sunday to Church just so you could show them what we have,what we own.You said it was impossible for you to have misplaced or lost it,when in reality,the chances of you losing it is as fat as the chances of you losing a peso.You think you are so great as to not lose a piece of jewelry when as far as I know,you left it somewhere in your room,completely vulnerable and unkept.

You know,I may not be the best person in the world, but I have fear in God, and my conscience can never take such a thing. I'd rather starve to death than take what is not rightfully mine.I wish for just once you would believe me,but knowing you,you have already made your mind in what you should believe in before you asked me.

I wish you have the faintest idea of how your treatment is pushing me to the limits every single time.I pretend I'm alright,but you are my biggest fear.I am so scared of disappointing you,and when you are around I move as little as possible because I don't want to yet again make another stupid mistake in front of your observant eyes.I don't know what to do anymore to be able to please you...I think I'm growing tired...

I wish someday you'd see me as a person too...How long will it take for you to realize that I have feelings too...? That everytime you tell others how much better my sister is,it hurts,because I know that you know that I can hear you...I don't know what I did for you to treat me like trash, but if you think I'm this worthless, then why don't you just throw me out?

I may be of better use to someone else...

Originality Is So Overrated...

I don't know where to start. Sometimes,the truth is always the hardest to say. The truth is always the hardest to show.The truth is always the hardest to handle.The truth is always the hardest to know.

If you would time travel to my life a year ago and find me,you would probablt get snickered and bickered at. I was a spoiled bratt. I never talk to anyone unless I was spoken to. I never cared about others,so long as I got what I wanted,I could never be happier.

Things change,and people do to. I changed. A lot. For the better,I hope.

Now,I like to think I am a better person than the girl I used to be. Still,I cannot look straight in the mirror without despising myself. Everybody thinks I am good. Some even say I am pretty--I'm uncomfortable with things like this.I'm uncomfortable with compliments. They make me fret and feel like I'm bound to disappoint people.

Some girls look up to me like I'm some kind of a hero or something. Again,this makes me uncomfortable. The way they show their love for me is just so touching and rewarding,but sometimes,I feel like I can't accept it. I feel like I don't deserve that much love, because I have yet to prove to myself that I am as good as they expect me to be.

And then there are those people who only befriend me to use me. I know lots of them from school... They would be so nice to me just so the people who are nice to me would be nice to them too. Recently, there is this someone copying my style. Trying hard to be like me... And that upsets me every time. Not because I'm scared she'd be better than me--I've thought about that for a moment and that's simply not the reason I'm dismayed. I'm dismayed because all this time I really considered her one of my friends... I've been mentally giving chances to see if she will change...

But she doesn't. In fact,it grows worse with time. She copied my style, and now,she also says whatever I say. It's worrying me because it seems like she doesn't really care about me,after all. She just cares about the image she projects to the world.She wants to prove to the world that she is beautiful,and all I want to tell her is that the world will see your beauty no matter what...That you don't have to do anything to force it out of them.But I can't. I can't hurt her like that.

That day,I realized how cruel this world can really be. I have been living in a fairy tale where everything is in shades of purple and pink.I had faith in my heart that sooner or later,she'd realize that being true to yourself is more important than faking it to feel good about yourself. Perhaps,we all have that in us. That one tiny spark of evil that provokes us to go and chase our desires,no matter what or who we step on on the way.Are we all strong enough to say no to the evil? Yes,we are.

I had a talk with Yasmina the other night about this.Right now,she's one of the few people I genuinely trust.She made me realize that people do take advantage of the weak.Apparently,I belong with the weak.It still upsets me though.All I ever wanted is to be good---to live my life for others--to make it all worthwhile...I hope people realize that no matter what they do,there is only one me,and they can never be that,exactly.

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart

*click the image to enlarge

Well hello, I have been flamed again. :)

After weeks of not updating my Fanfiction The Day You Said Goodnight, I decided that tonight, it's about time I do, since I have free time.

But then again, maybe I decided wrong. First review for my latest chapter: FLAME.

Aurike, you see, doesn't like tragic stories. I mean I understand her. She also flamed me in Chasing Rainbows. And now, she couldn't understand why Jasper had to choose between ALice and the baby, because according to her, we now have advanced (modern, whatever...) technology like the Ceasarian section wherein Alice could give birth to the baby without harming any of them...

So I said, this is the plot of my story. If this wouldn't happen, my story would be pointless because then it wouldn't revolve around anything. Believe me, I hate plotless stories.

She responded with the private message above. Again, I understand her point, but it's not that easy to not take it personally when she said "your doctors are just stupid".

First of all, I wrote those Doctors. I was the one to give them souls and lives, so that meant I am stupid for writing them like that. Okay, I am stupid. She just basically called me stupid, and I am not hurt. It's fine.

Second, she called me cruel for writing stories like this. Well then, I hope she could give me some tips and suggestions in what I should write next because clearly, she doesn't like what I am doing right now. I would really want to know what she wants to read so that I could please her...So I am cruel, and I am slightly hurt. Does she even know me personally to say this to me? I don't know, cause she is hidden behind a computer screen. No photos, no stories, no description of herself.

Third, she speaks as if she knows everything there is to know about life. Let me ask, has she had a friend who gave birth to a dead infant? Well, my friend did. She was not even sick when she was pregnant with her baby. That was last year. She and the baby were perfectly healthy, they could afford all those modern technology, and her husband didn't have to choose. Still, my point here is that the baby DIED. The baby came out DEAD even after all the smiles and assurances that everything would work out fine. Now,compare this to my story, which is worse? Does this mean that the Author of my friend's life is cruel like me, or maybe even more? No, cause life happens like that. That's what I have been trying to inject on her mind from the very start, but Aurike just wouldn't buy it.

I am never an angry person, you know? I rarely get mad because i always try to put myself on someone's shoes before judging them, but this is just too much for me to handle. Just please,if you have nothing good to say, just don't review, alright? I appreciate constructive criticism, but your criticism is just plain criticism--you create them to bring me down, and trust me,you almost succeeded but I am one tough girl. If I am, by any means, disappointing you with my writings, then, quit reading them. It's as easy and simple as that... I don't know why you even bother in the first place.

This would be the last time I'd address this issue. I just want to make my point clear, because it seems to me that you cannot see it. I don't think you know me personally,so please have some respect and stop using adjectives to describe me.Introduce yourself to me, tell me what you want, and maybe we could even be friends. I want you to be happy, but it looks like your happiness depends on bringing me down,so I regret to inform you that should you keep up with this,you will never know true happiness.

So long, Aurike. I'll be waiting for your suggestions on how I can write better stories. Perhaps you know better than I do. And please, I want to read some of your works too. If you are not too busy making other people miserable, please make time to write one.

Thanks.

Seann.

Respect Is A Two Way Road

I actually didn't spot this particular scene in the movie. :(

Because of Eclipse's different screening days for different countries, Twihards and some not so hard fans are having a hard time getting along on the net. The reason? Spoilers.

I repeat.

Spoilers.

Yes,the bits of movie information that some people who have already seen the movie are posting on Twitter. Those who have to wait are complaining because they feel like we are spoiling the movie for them. (I am not really involved with this, I never posted any spoiler except for my previous blog post which was labeled with "Alert" so it doesn't count.)

In my own humble opinion, some of the guys who haven't seen the movie yet are being irrational. You are going way overboard over this petty thing. Don't hate me, okay? It's just that...I understand where you are coming from. Your point is that you want to wait for the movie and see it without knowing in advance what to expect, but let's face it. You cannot stop the people who have seen it if they want to talk about the movie. It is their right,you know?

You are asking for them to respect you and the fact that you haven't seen the movie yet. Let me just tell you that to gain respect,you must give respect. You can ask politely ("Please do not post spoilers,we are yet to see the movie" is so much better than "Stop posting spoilers! Just fucking stop!") Trust me, you would never get your way with the latter.

Again,these people have all the right to talk about the movie because first of all,they paid to see it.Second,it is their Twitter accounts they are using to post such things, and there is a fat chance that they do not intend to spoil the movie for you. They are just happy and so content that they want to talk about it.Is that so bad?

I think the best solution for this is just unfollow them if you do not like what they are posting, or get off of Twitter until you see the movie. We can't do anything about it,anyway. They will post spoilers whatever you do or say,so just get rid of them.

To those of us who have seen the movie, please respect our friends who are still waiting.Do not post lines and scenes unless you are being asked to. Try to minimize giving away the movie in your tweets. You can always talk about how the movie made you feel,but tweeting what EXACTLY happened and what the characters did and said is just plain annoying to those who hate spoilers. If someone asks about the movie,perhaps we could answer them in DMs so that if it happens to have any spoilers,at least it will not be posted publicly.

Let us avoid having arguments and fights about things as shallow as this. After all, Eclipse will leave the theaters in time and we'll be back with each other again. We are like one family here. We should be there for each other come what may. Just ask politely and give without complaining.

Work on teams, life is all about give and take.

Slingshot: Aimed At Everyone

Hello, I'm back with a strong will to rant, so feel free to hit the X button on the upper right corner of your browser if you are not willing to hear the truth, because I feel miserable and misery loves company. Not this time, not this time. I just want to claim my right to a nagging spree.

Okay, just in case you are living in a delicate bubble where cursing and swearing A LOT is acceptable, go away, as I'm currently holding a needle to pop your world. Let me tell you first that I am not a goody two shoes who doesn't cuss and swear when an unfortunate situation comes. I do say bad words... But only when I'm desperate and exasperated.

It just annoys me that kids right now think it's proper and acceptable that they curse as they please. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not a hypocrite. See? Saying F-CK in a sentence is not good, but we really can' avoid it at times, right? So I think we could bear with that. I could bear with that, as well as SH-T and other cuss words that I wouldn't really want to type here one by one. You get the picture. It's okay as long as you watch your words, moderate, and use them properly.

But when you start using a cuss word for EVERY SENTENCE you say, now, that's an entirely different issue. I don't know what's with cursing, I mean, do kids nowadays think it makes them seem cool and independent when they swear? If they do, then I have a very different point of view from them. It's up to you to realize who's seeing the world in a good perspective, and who's seeing otherwise.

I'll admit it here that I'm shooting one kid in particular, but you wouldn't guess who this kid is. You don't know him/her, but when I was her age, I cursed, and guess what? My aunt slapped my lips with my then newly bought slippers and it hurt a lot. I never cursed since then, I never attempted. All I'm saying is that time changes a lot of things, but things like this one (proper language and guidance from elders) shouldn't be moved by time. It will do all of us no good if you pepper every single phrase with curse words. I even think it's repulsive when I see or hear one curse like there's no tomorrow.

Sure, hit me with the overused phrase that the Philippines is a democratic country, and that we are all free to do and say what we want to. True, it is. But as Filipinos, inhabitants of this paradise, we carry within us the responsibility to preserve what polite manners our ancestors have passed along to us. I'm not saying we shouldn't curse or swear or do this or that, cause I'm not in position to dictate. We all have our own mind and emotions to help us deal with what's wrong or right, use it. Swearing doesn't make you look cool. In fact, the younger you are when you curse, the less chance you have to ever gain my respect.

Kthanxbai.

P.S.

I know the photo is irrelevant to the subject, or so as you might have been thinking. Well, no. I took this photo last June 1, a bridge in my Aunt's boyfriend's house. I just thought it goes well with my little rant above, because if you open up your heart and actually suck my message in, then you would understand, and finally, it would be like crossing that bridge from one side to the other. Unadultered happiness is waiting for you, mate. Happy trip.

I Wish I Live Inside A Snowglobe

This post was written last April 28,2010 in my personal journal. I'm posting this here for future reading purposes,just that. I do not mean to offend anyone.

Hello,My Name Is...

Hello,my name is PISSED.

I actually had fun today.On my way home,I saw the sunset while on a bridge,over a very serene image of a river and its delta. I was very inspired.Words were pouring out of my mind as I stared at the sky.They even rearranged themselves into phrases and sentences beautifully.Too bad,I didn't have a pen with me.

In easy words,I was still inspired when I got home.The big toothy grin was not erased form my face even while I was eating.I actually practically just swallowed just so I could pretend to go to bed already and blog in reality,and I never failed.

I've typed maybe two sentences when I noticed my internet connection starting to get bitchy.I didn't mind it though,as I was writing a really good story/snippet.I was aware that what i was typing was not being saved,I had no internet connection but still,I continued.My fingers raced with each other,typing words I now can't remember.I managed to write the whole story in about half an hour,and I was satisfied with the way it turned out.

So why is my name PISSED?

Here you go:

I said I was aware that I had no internet connection,right?Right.So I minimized Firefox for a while and decided to watch a movie called Windstuck.Good movie,I suggest you guys watch it!So yeah.I was so engrossed with the movie but I still checked on my internet browser to see if I could publish already,but I still couldn't,so I just shrugged and minimized my browser again to go back to the movie.To my utter surprise,though,Firefox warned me that I was about to close multiple tabs,asking me if I wanted to save them.I clicked "QUIT",and then Blogspot asked me if I really wanted to navigate away from the page,reminding me that I had an unsaved draft.Guess what I clicked? Yes. Firefox closed immediately,and it was only then did I realize the stupid mistake I have done.I literally died and lived again.Darn...

So that's why instead of "Flimsy Ribbons of Fate" Chapter 1,you are now reading my rant.I've worked hard for that,and my stupidity has just taken its toll on me. -_- Maybe I'll write another one soon.I just need to get back that great amount of inspiration through a view of the sunset.

....And maybe,a bottle of Coke.

....And a day staring at Ashley Greene's picture.

....And Jackson Rathbone.

Fuzzy's Demise

Today, I was browsing through Andrea Kelley's old Twitter posts when a certain link she posted caught my attention.

She said it made her want to throw up, so I checked it out, curious as to why she might have said that. Andrea is a gracious girl, so I was really interested with what caused her to say that. Here is the link, check it out for yourself. Click here.

First of all,I admit that I'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus, but I like some of her songs. I mean,she's okay. I don't understand why some people hate her with passion, but I do understand why some people are obsessed with her. At one point in our lives,we would all find something we're passionate about, and some people found it in her, or maybe in her music, and I don't blame them for that.

What I don't get,though, is why this girl had to do that to her cat. Okay, she loves Miley and she wants her to come back and be active again on Twitter, but come on!! Why did she not spare the cat's life? She said she loved her cat so much, so why did she find it necessary to end the poor cat's life just because Miley didn't come back to Twitter? It just broke my heart, and as I am writing this, I can still feel some strange kind of pain inside.

I don't know this girl, and I most definitely didn't know her pet, Fuzzy. But she posted pictures of the dead cat,and described what she did-she cooked her pet,she ate it. Fickety fuckity fuck, she ate the cat. It was not enough that she had it killed (euthanasia,even though it was in perfect health condition) for a very shallow purpose,she ate it.

Let me tell you something: we raise ducks in our backyard. We used to raise chickens, too. My family is fond of eating ducks, I don't eat ducks, for reasons unknown. But I do eat chicken,but not when it was one of our raised chickens. I don't eat an animal when I've seen the way it was killed.And yet this girl, she had the guts to do that. Big f-u-c-k. I immediately understood why Andrea wanted to throw up, cause it had the same effect on me. How could she do that? That was her pet, for God's sake! It's not like our ducks or chicken which were raised in the first place for their meat.A cat is another thing. It's a domestic pet. That cat cuddled with her. That cat played with her. I bet that cat gave her comfort on her lowest days. Who, in their right mind, could have a heart to do such horrible thing to an innocent cat? It was not Fuzzy's fault that Miley deleted her Twitter account. :(

Okay, so let's say she loves Miley more than anything else, more than Fuzzy. I totally understand that, cause I could say I feel the same for Ashley, Andrea, and Caitie. So let's pretend it's okay that she killed the cat. She should have stopped there. She didn't have to cook it. She didn't have to eat it. It's like killing your own sibling or child...and then you'd eat it? You fucking ate your pet and you still had the guts to write about it?! You are horrible. Did you think Miley liked that? You used your cat's life to force her to go back to Twitter-that is called blackmail. Did you think you did that for a great cause? No, that was very shallow. You put a life in your hands, a life that was not yours,to begin with, and therefore you didn't have the right to take it. But you did take it. You killed Fuzzy.

I want to throw up, really. Why are there people like her? She could've just started a petition. She should've spared the cat. She's so selfish and immature.

Fuzzy didn't deserve such treatment. No animal deserves to lose a life for the sake of a useless cause. People should realize that. We own nothing in this world, not even our lives. We don't have any right to take matters like this in our own hands. We should just learn to accept other people's decision. I know how you must be feeling that day, Fuzzy's owner. Maybe you wanted Miley back on Twitter just as much as I wanted to force Ashley and Jackson together. Here's something I want to tell you, though. I want them to be together, but I wouldn't risk anyone's life to make it happen, nor would I even start a stupid petition. If it should happen, I want it to happen naturally, not force them into it. That's what somebody should have told you that day. You have no control over things, especially other people's choices. Please learn to respect other people's decisions. Stop being self centered. You are not the only living thing on Earth. the world does not revolve around you, and it would still continue spinning even when you're gone.

P.S.: Please take care of your new dog. I just hope none of your idols quit Twitter anymore, so that the dog could have the chance to breathe his last breath naturally.

Whiny Wednesday.

Today hasn't been so good to me. I had a bad day. I was cranky and moody, and people kept getting on my way.

First, on my way to school, I saw this group of little girls who appeared to be beggars walking on the street. They had no slippers on, and it was a very hot day so I supposed their feet must be hurting, walking on the pavement. A woman was following them, she was on a bicycle. In my assessment, she was the mother. As I have said, their feet must be hurting because of the pavement, so they stopped walking for a moment to rest under a tree's shade. As soon as they stopped, though, the woman hit a girl right smack on her head. The catch? The girl couldn't be older than five. She was crying, and I was fuming mad. So I politely asked the jeepney driver to stop, I'd get off and maybe do what I can to at least comfort the poor girl, but he didn't listen. He said I'd only get myself in trouble. The incident bugged me all morning. I was so guilty. I had the chance to help, but I didn't do anything. I felt horrible.

Still, I went to attend my classes, surfing the internet whenever I had the chance. I expected to feel better, since reconnecting with my friends has always been a good way to brighten up my day. What happened was the opposite. I logged in on Facebook, and received a notification that a friend commented on my status. It was K, I will not mention his name, I respect him, he's like a big brother to me and I don't want to change that. So yes, he posted a comment on my status, which was about the 11 digit cellphone numbers here. He kept insisting that it is only 10, and I kept arguing that it is actually 11.

In easy words, we, like...fought (?) over a petty issue, and I didn't (and still don't) have any intentions of submitting to him. I was really pissed because I live here in the Philippines, I have a cellphone, and my cellphone number consists of 11 digits. He kept on saying that the 0 should not be included since it will still work without it. Here is my VALID POINT: even if you could omit the 0, we don't usually do that here, do we? So that still means that we have 11 digit cellphone numbers. He didn't get that. Or maybe he just didn't want to accept that I'm right. You see, almost all the time he goes on correcting me, my grammar, my spelling mistakes--which were obviously just typo. I really don't want to be mad at him, but this issue is driving me insane. I'm tired of that attitude. My classmates often do that to me, so do my teachers. I don't need another king, thank you very much. I just don't get why he acts like that. It's really annoying at times, not to mention offensive. Parang gusto nya sya na lang lagi yung tama without even considering what I was trying to say. Nakakainis yung ganun di ba? Ipinipilit pa nya na 10 digits lang, eh 11 naman talaga. Hello? My cellphone number is 0906-xxx-xxxx. Please try to count that. At putang ina naman, wag mong tanggalin yung 0 kasi ginagamit nga yan dito!!! Ano ka ba???? Nagpapaka-matalino ka tapos hindi mo yan makuha?! Ang simple lang naman di ba?!

So yeah. I went back to school with a sigh. And then this jerk who kissed my best friend approached me and strummed a guitar and sang to me. Made my day better? No. It made my day worse, and I felt like exploding. Leche. Tuesday used to be my least liked day but this day is making its way on top of the chart.

And then there's Creative Writing. I walked to the studio to find that no one was there yet. I arrived exactly on time. I still can't understand why all the people seemed inconsiderate today. I walked two miles so that I won't be too early because I hate waiting, or too late because it's not a good habit to make others wait, but that's what they did to me. I tried to overlook that, though, and even if my head was pounding and throbbing like hell, i did my best to cooperate. We were given this little journal to write a story with 5 chapters. We were grouped into fives, so we had to write a chapter each. My group mates assigned me to write the ending of our story, which I did pretty well, not to boast, but I write endings well. And then this girl felt the urge to come to me and asked me to change every single fucking word I've written. I was like, "what the hell, this is my part, you're done with yours". But she said she had a better idea on how to end the story. I used all my will power to deny myself the pleasure of yelling at her face. Just when I thought my day was on its worst, she proved me wrong. Politely, I asked her to just mind her own business and let me have my way, which she did, not without a frown.

I went home after that. Limply, I fell asleep on the hour long jeepney ride. I was feeling a little better when I got off on our street, thinking I can finally be at peace.

Guess what I realized?

I forgot to pay my jeepney fare, and nobody asked me for it.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

Whoever Did This...

Whoever had the guts to steal from my food supply shall have the guts to face my wrath!! I can clearly remember having FIVE pretzel bags, not three. SEVEN Oreos,not , and EIGHT canned sodas, not five. Grr.... You could have asked!! I'm starting the investigation right now!

Answers.

Okay. I haven't been blogging for a while, I know. But now I'm back to rant and vent.

Seriously. He's not blaming me. Yeah, I believe that, sure.

Remember that day I went out with that someone? When you broke up with me and I cried on the way home, in the passenger jeepney?

I pleaded for you not to leave me. You agreed. Remember? I regretted what I did, my stupid decision, and devoted all my time for you. Hell, if we are counting each other's shortcomings, go, let's do it!

I clearly remember telling you that if you cannot trust me anymore, we better end it. Right? Right.

Basically, we had no more problems with trust or whatever since then. I dealt with your insecurities quite gracefully.Sometimes, I snap out,being impatient and all, but we always worked it out. Okay. So it's clear that those days were over,and the problem did not start there.

I don't even remember why it all ended. I completely forgot, to be honest, because I don't care anymore. All I know is that when I told you it was over, you took it lightly like you couldn't care less. Here's the catch: that hurt. I was actually wishing you'd say no, but what? You. Took.It.Lightly.And that hurt.

So,hard as it was to cope with it at first,I struggled.I picked myself up from the ground,and started acting like you're nothing to me.That's what I told myself over and over. That you don't mean anything to me.I did that everyday until one day,I woke up and realized that my little phrase came true at last. I thought I'd never get over you, but I did, much to your dismay, I guess.

And then when I was back to my feet, all smiles again, and my heart was whole again, and I was ready to paint the town red, you came showing up, like some guy described by a song.You want me back,after what?A month after a broke up with you?It took that long for the situation to sink into your mind?Nah, I don't believe that. What I do believe, though, is the fact that you thought I could never forget you, and that sooner or later I'll come crawling back to you, like I always did,right?Not anymore.

So sorry to tell you how much your insecurities bugged me. I couldn't deal with them anymore. I would never choose a guy over my friends,might I add. And that's what you wanted me to do. And now you run around telling the world how bad a girlfriend
I was?Heck, try having another one and you'll see how spoiled you were with me. I'm not asking you to move on,not anymore. I'm not asking for your friendship,either. I don't care anymore what you do with your life. Love me until you die, if that's what you want, just stop talking about me and I'll stop talking about you. I just hate it that you make it seem like it was all my fault. Maybe it was, but you also made mistakes. Admit that.

That's just about it. Live your life the way you want to,and I'll live mine. I hope you'll stop wasting precious time typing some status about me, because yeah,it hurts. Now even my friends think I was really the one at fault. You are ruining my life. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Just get over it.Please.

One more offensive post and you are out of my friends list.And no, that's not a threat.

The Problem with Guys

At the age of nineteen, I could say I've been through a lot. Not really a lot, but enough to say it's a lot.

What I hate most, though, is the fact that I've given everything till I get tired, and then, in the end, I will still be the one at fault. Why me? Why don't you ask yourself what you might have done that made me be like this?

I've had a few relationships with different kinds of guys before. Most were platonic, of course. I've always preferred guys over girls for friends.Some were romantic, and some of these were abusive in a way.

The problem with guys is that they don't believe it when I say I'm just friends with a specific guy. they always speculate, and I was like, can't I be friends with him without malice? Because that's just the way it is. We're just friends and nothing more, and some people just can't accept the fact that MY world, yes, stress on the possessive pronoun,please-just doesn't revolve around them. This is my first rule when it comes to relationships. Respect my friendship with other people, be they guys or girls, and never make me choose, because sorry, I just wouldn't choose you.

The problem with guys is that they do not say what they really feel. Yes, I'm the queen of second thoughts,because you're the king of mixed signals. One moment, you make me feel important, and the next, you're completely ignoring me. What's up with that?Some guys nowadays expect us girls to always take care of what's needed to be done. Hello? Whatever happened to good old gentle manliness?

The problem with guys is that they act like they're God's gifts to women. Which certainly is not true.Men, without women, are just plain drunken alcohol loving masochists who think they're so great but will absolutely fail in everything. Trust me on that.You need us to, not just to wash your clothes or prepare your meals, we're not your personal assistants. You need us to make you feel complete, because yes, however successful you become, no matter how far you've gone to, at the end of the day, you'll always look forward to going home and finding the real reason for your success, which is what a woman is, so yeah, suck that. You are not God's gift to us. It's absolutely the other way around.

The problem with guys is that they blame us girls for doing something wrong, and then blame us again if we try correcting what we did wrong and end up breaking up with them. Ha! This much I'm sure of. Somebody kept telling the world how it hurts him that I don't care anymore, and I was like, "What the hell?" It was his fault, not mine. Hidden in his words was the tone of blame,pointed towards me. What a jerk. What do you expect me to do, huh? Sulk in a corner, wallow in misery for losing you? Sorry, but I'm just so happy to get rid of you. Because of the tears you made me cry, and the fact that you thought so lowly of me.Of course,what kind of girl would be happy to know that her guy thinks she's out there somewhere, constantly flirting with someone she barely knew? Is there such a girl? Well, yeah, maybe. But that's just not me. So stay there and get over me. I hate you just about as much as you love me.

The problem with guys is that they show us that they love us, when they get what they want, they'd leave us, when they see we're not affected, they'd come crawling back to us, and repeat the whole process until we end up crying for them. Yeah. Duh. There are so many jerks in the world nowadays. Hard to look for a needle in a haystack,it's true. But when you find it, it's totally worth the search. As for me, I'm happy with my life now. I just hope these people from the past would stop bugging me and just go on with their lives.They had their chances with me,and they ruined it. Haha. Ain't I just soooo great? Duh.