I just want to share my thoughts before going to bed,cause yes,just like you,
I always have this little thinking session before I finally close my eyes and drift off to a
hopefully dreamless sleep.
In these little thinking sessions,
I often get lost in a trance.My mind seems to like
wandering off to the past or to the future,whichever I prefer to think about on a certain night.
Tonight,it's about fairy tales and giggles. It's about the past.
I just miss those days when I was little. I used to make
forts out of our blankets.Sometimes I'd wrap them around my body,then go on
parading around our shabby little house.Things like those used to make me happy.My favorite show was
a noon time show, there was this segment called the "Calendar Girls". It was a beauty contest.It was what always
inspired me to secretly snag my mother's make up and smear lipstick and mascara on my eyes, and all over my face.I can still remember bugging them to
please take me to audition for "Little Miss Philippines" but they never got around to it.
As a child,
I was a loner.I do play with kids my age but oftentimes,my parents and family were
overprotective,since
I was the only child in the family back then. My sister was born when I was five years old.Back to my little self,
I used to spend every afternoon of everyday in Jollibee.That was because my aunt and I had a deal that
whenever I get perfect scores on quizzes and exams,we'd go to Jollibee.
I used to have every single toy they made.
We had this huge backyard where I liked to play alone,running around,talking to my doll,or picking blueberries.Yes,
we did have a blueberry tree,and
it was my best friend.When we had our house renovated,it was cut down,and
I missed it.I was never that fond of milk,I preferred Milo or Sustagen.
I could never live without them.
I lived an easy life back then.
I was treated like a princess.What I wanted,I got. They used that method to motivate me in school.Whenever there was a poem to memorize,my mother would
lock me up all afternoon in our bedroom,and I could never be let out
until I memorized the damn verses.After that,she would take me to the store where
I could pick everything I want,and she'd buy them.I always picked Ring Bee cheese sticks,only because
I loved putting those sticks inside my ears or nose,and that always got me
in trouble with my father.
I remember
swallowing a 25 cent coin,and being operated because of the
earring lock that got stuck in my ear.I remember overhearing my mother say she'd name my sister "Rhiza May", and I remember
asking her to give my name to my sister instead,and give me the name "Rhiza May" in exchange.That's how much I hate my name.I remember
climbing trees,sneaking out with my friends to the ricefields,dreading the time my father would find out that I sneaked out.
I remember bringing my best friend to our house.My parents were in the farm that day,so
we raided the food cabinets,and found two kilograms of uncooked pasta.I remember
putting water on a pot,waiting impatiently for it to boil,putting the pasta sticks eventually,and when they were tender,
I sprinkled it with soy sauce, fish sauce, and ketchup. I would never forget my best friend's face when
she took a spoonful of the sauce to try it.
I remember
running on the street with my playmates--the rowdy boys and the prissy girls--
playing hide and seek when the moon was bright.We also had to attend
two of our friends' funerals, who both died of illnesses our young minds didn't have any idea about.Their parents asked us to play,to lighten the mood,and even though
we were sad,we did,cause
that was all we could do.We played several games which,in the end,had my face
all messed up with charcoal doodles.
I remember
bathing on the water irrigation system for the fields,
resting under a tree shade in what seemed like
the middle of nowhere.We used to
play with haystacks,and then when we were bored,we would go to the pond and
catch tadpoles using our bare hands.I got a lot of disciplinary acts for those,but
they were fun times I would never regret.
I remember having this one doll,which
I did not name,but I loved so much.
I had her when I was two,I last saw her when I was 17.Now,I have no idea where she might be.She was the prettiest doll ever,and I would never forget the way
I cried one morning when I saw that her neck was slashed open with a knife. Despite the inflicted wound,
I could not afford to lose her,so I decided to keep her.I had so many toys,like a Teletubbies plushie,but
they could never surpass the bond I had with my nameless doll,so my parents gave up in trying to replace her.
I still can't believe that almost
15 years have passed since all these happened.In my blurry memory that seems to choose the events and moments to save for me to remember,
it's like they just took place yesterday.As I curl up in a ball,closing my eyes,
I can still hear our giggles and screams,the fairy tales we used to write in small booklets of bond papers when we played "bookstore".I can still recall those moments,
the sparkle in our eyes when we exchanged gifts for no apparent reason at all.It's like magic.It's like
I don't want to pull away from this trance,reminiscing those days when
innocence was so genuine,those days when instead of looking back on the happy things that just happened,
I was looking forward to the brighter things that were sure to happen the next day.
Time really is a mist.You go to sleep on the night of your 5th birthday party,then the next morning,you'll wake up,and you're nineteen.
