I'm Sorry For That Night.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?


We all have,at one point in our lives. Family, friends, lovers. I have loved someone so much that it hurt, and it still does. Sometimes, reality is the last place I want to be in.

K and I had a huge fight because of V. No, I'm not blaming V or K, or maybe even myself. It's no one's fault, but it hurts nonetheless. In a matter of a few hours,I've lost two important people in my life.

K for opening my roleplay account out of curiosity, and so he saw something he didn't want to see- V's tweets about having an accident or whatever that was. That account is a lie, and I know that,and I never intended to snoop on her business.It just so happened that K had, and he hates lies. A lot. And there are other people involved that he cares a lot about, so it got all complicated and came down to one thing after the other: I got mad at K, K got mad at me, I read all those tweets in question, got disappointed with a friend, and V blocked me.

I'm not even sure now if she'll ever speak to me again. I can handle not having K in my life. It will be hard, of course, but if it boils down to me having to choose, I'd rather have V.

Even if it feels like she'd rather not have me.

I'm fine,actually. I just feel empty. It's cold, and I'm not feeling it physically. It's so hard to stand when you don't know what else to believe in. You might be saying "Seann, shut the fuck up. It's role play."

Well yes,it's roleplay. But behind those characters are humans with feelings. Humans who escape the real world because it's shitty enough for them. I'm sorry. It's just that I stood up for her, and here I am, still lost them both. I guess it doesn't matter,anyway.

I'm still here though. Waiting for a simple hello,nothing else. Just give me that and it will all be fine. Things will fall back to the right places in time.

As for everyone else, be careful with what you say, but most of all, be careful with what you hear. The world is full of trickery.

This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry

Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.


Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
\

With Every Breath I Take,I'm Calling Your Name

Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny.

I'm in that incredible mood tonight wherein all I want to do is stay in bed and watch some sappy old movies for the umpteenth time,and cry. Cry for the tragedies, cry for the happy endings. I'm that type of girl.

I've been busy dealing with life these past few days,and even I myself can't say exactly how I truly feel. I'm confused. It's October, today is Ham's birthday, and I just sent her a greeting through text. I was meaning to ask her to maybe have lunch with me or something, but she was busy with exams.

On my way home I bumped to Shiela,one of my high school classmates. In the old times, maybe a year or two ago,we would be chatting endlessly and it would be hard to bid farewell. This afternoon, we barely spoke to each other. It still surprises me sometimes when things change so abruptly. I guess I'll never be ready for change.

Anyway, I'm not feeling very well so I plan to stay home and make myself some nice tasting soup, anything to warm my rambling stomach, and just lay in bed watching old movies. I pretty much deserve that-a break. My throat is itchy,my nose is runny, and I can't even breathe properly. What a nice state to be in on a Friday night.

I don't like the heat at all. It's October,for God's sake. My skin is aching for the cool Christmas breeze.Sure,there's the Christmas breeze but it's not cool at all. It's very warm. The air,however,smells of dried rice stalks. It's making me nostalgic at times. How I miss running through the fields or just hanging out with my uncles there. One day, it will happen again.

I'm not really excited for anything right now. I'm in that time in my life when I just want to find love in a certain form. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all of, in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to my fairy tale. But life doesn't work that way,so I'll just wait and enjoy my alone time. Everyone's life sucks...it just depends on how a person deals with it.

 Nowadays,I see a lot of people moaning about how their lives are so hard to live,how they just want to end it all. I was like that a few months ago. Now,I realize how selfish it sounds. Why do people like hurting so much? Why do we keep complaining about the things we don't have,when we have something and others don't even have anything? Why,just like I'm doing now, do we point out how some people are so dramatic,how we don't like drama,when clearly,we all are drama queens and kings somehow? You know... I just learned to shield myself away from all the horrible things in this world. If I can't heal it,no way in hell will I let myself be infected. That will be the last help I can offer.

Nothing can hurt me unless I permit it.

Can You Feel Me Burning?

I don't know if one can cry illegitimately,but let me say it now: I'm legitimately crying.

I spent this morning worrying about Mainia. I was tweeting with her and she was like giving me the cold shoulder so I was sat here wondering what I did wrong,thinking back on the previous days and nights. I couldn't remember anything I've said that might have offended her so I decided to just ask her straight out if she was mad.

She was not,she said. She was just annoyed at me because it seemed to her like I have changed,and that we were losing each other.

My tears fell faster than bullets as soon as I read that,and I must admit it here that I have changed. In my RP account I became careless and carefree, but I never told anyone why.

The truth is,I was so busy being there for my friends and no one even bothered asking if I was okay. I was not. I still am not. And if anyone dared ask, I said I was fine and they believed me. Sometimes I just want to feel as loved as I make others feel.

Right now,I feel so alone. I'm losing everything I have,they're all slipping right out of my hold and I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute now because of all the pain and the worries I have been keeping inside. When I help someone pick up the pieces of their broken hearts at night,I wonder if they even realize that I am crying at that momet because I have to deal with my own pain too,together with theirs,alone. I wonder if they even care.

I'm hurting so much.I have been hurting for the past two weeks and no one knows because I decided to grow up for once and stop bothering people with my drama. I may have seemed distant but I was not. I never was. I was just trying to figure out how I would make it through another day without breaking down in front of anyone. I was thinking of a way to be there for everyone without forgetting myself. I was trying to stick to my promise that was to just make one stranger smile every day so that I could feel better about myself. I was busy trying to give myself a reason to believe that I was worth this life I am living right now.

In my RP account,I go on flirting and stuff with the other RPers,and truth be told,they make me laugh and smile. I figured it was a nice world there.A world full of pretenses.A world where I can do whatever i fancy,say what's on my mind and not get judged for my actions. It is a free world, and I enjoyed its perks for a while.

But now,seeing that it might cost me my best friend's companionship, I think I will stop. it's not worth it,you know? It doesn't make her happy and I don't know if it will make me happy knowing someone's unhappy. Some people might hate me,but I think I have to quit. Time to go back to the real world.

Oh,reality. How I despise you sometimes.

Traffic Makes Me Feel Like I'm Part Of Something Bigger.

It's kind of obvious that I have just seen Step Up 3. Awesome movie. It made me cry cause even it showed that best friends drift apart sometimes. And Moose's best friend's name was Camille.

Nothing makes sense. Even the news from the TV echoes that the President had hotdogs for lunch in America. Rappers rap about poverty and bystanders and the problems of the community, but they never give us any possible solution to the problems, just like I am doing now. I keep blogging about the things that tie me down but I can never seem to have the courage pr will to let them go.

I know, there's more to life than rainbows and sunsets and watercolor painted skies, but those are the things that I live for. I keep trying to look at the bright side, but where is it, anyway? I'm blind. Maybe when the storm ends, we will both be standing at the edge, holding the stars in the palm of our hands, but what difference will it make, really? Will there still be you and me, board game nights, Anne Hathaway themed movie marathons? Will we still be doing each other's nails, laughing until our stomachs hurt? Will you still be making me giggle while I'm drinking Coke just so you'd see me spit it out of my nose?

I do worry about all the wrong things, don't I? But sometimes, you must tell me when something's wrong, because I can't go on guessing... It's hard to fumble in the dark when there is not even a tiny spark of light. How will I know what hurts you? You never tell me.

You're so distant now, and it's killing me cause I'm doing all I can... I am probably making a big fool of myself, but it's fine. I can't lose you, although I know you'd say I already have. What changed? We were so excited, we were so sure about our future. Do you now imagine your future without me? Please don't answer.

I think we are both too proud to admit our mistakes. Maybe we have something to learn from this but whatever that something is, I don't need it, okay? I don't. Take everything you want from me. Just please, please stop kicking me out of your life.

I love you.

I Miss Everything About You.

I guess it's one of those things I have no control about. People come, people go. But it's easier said than done. How will I go on with my life when it feels like I'm leaving part of my heart behind? It can't beat properly...

Ching, you may or may not be able to read this, but I'll let my guard down all the same. It's like a letter I will never send. I'm writing this not because I want to force myself into your life. I'm writing this to let all the pain out of me, because I am about to explode.

First of all, Ching, I miss you.














The last few days have been blank. All I remember now are the times I spent thinking and worrying about you. I've known you only for a short time but in all those moments I talked to you, it's like I have been acquainted with your pain. I might never know what hurts you, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the depth of your wounds and wanting to help you treat them, make them heal.

I can't even describe to you how sad you are making me... Don't get me wrong, please... It's not like I'm blaming you... It's just that....I should have been there more for you. I should have let you know how important you are to me. In my life, I claimed you as a younger sister, and it hurts me inconsolably to know that I could have done something-anything, to make you stay.

You did not even say goodbye. You told me you'd hold on and never let life beat you. What happened, Ching? Did they hurt you? Did anyone do something bad to you? I so badly want to protect you, to shield you from all the pain. I so badly want to receive you in my home, my fortress, and be able to tell you that nobody will hurt you anymore.

I guess it's too late for me. I feel like I failed at being a friend because of this. I feel like I have let you down when I promised not to. I feel like you banged the door close on my face. I miss you so much... I miss you so much...

I know you think nobody loves you. Truth is, I do. I may never have told you enough how much you mean to me...I wish I could fly despite my lack of wings. I wish I could give you a hug every single day and tell you how beautiful you are until you believe me, cause you are.

Wherever you are tonight, Ching, I'm sending you all my love. I'm whispering to the wind and I hope it carries to you all the words my heart says but my lips cannot utter. I'm not forcing you, nor even asking to be a part of your life. I just want you to tell me something, even just one word-satiate my heart's thirst for you. I hope you don't feel alone. I may not be there with you, but I am here for you.

I wish I could wipe your tears away. But because I can't, I'll cry with you instead.

If I can't stop you from bleeding, then you can't stop me from bleeding with you.

I love you so much. I hope all is well.

No Matter How Difficult Life Is For You,It's Always Harder For Someone Else.

I can't stop crying now. After I have seen an episode of "Failon Ngayon" tonight, which is a regular Saturday evening rpogram here which features people's real life struggles and situations, I realized yet again how lucky I am.

One of their featured stories was about a girl my age, Fe Martinez, if I remember correctly. Like me, she was supposed to graduate from College next semester. Unlike me, she's not going to step on the stage to get her diploma.


Her story,as far as I can recall, goes a little like this: one day she had a headache and she felt numbness in some certain parts of her body (her shins, particularly). I think they were on a school trip or something when she felt that, but when they went home, she didn't tell her parents about it. She just woke up one day and found that she could not stand up anymore.


Her parents brought her to the hospital, but the Doctors said they needed Php 40,000.00 to get her body scanned and tested (MRI or MIR, I suck at medical terms). However, they did not have that money-they were a poor family, they still are, so they had no choice but to bring her back home and nurse her in bed. Huge bed sores grew on her back due to her all time,all day confinement. Her mysterious illness not only took away her freedom. It also wrecked her dreams, her future, her life.

It was the TV program's staff and crew who helped them bring her back to the hospital to get her tested to find out what her illness is. It turned out to be Multiple Sclerosis and her medicines cost Php 20,000.000 EVERY week, and even if they do have the money, which they don't, the medicines are not easy to buy as they are imported,and do not come in regular basis, and the doctors cannot specify until when she has to take them.

What made me cry is the part when Ted Failon asked Fe's mother how she was holding up. Her mother was then shown on screen, aged and wrinkled-in my opinion, she looked far too old to be a 19 year old's mother, but then again, with all the stress and pain she's going through, it was reasonable. So Ted asked, "How is it going for you-taking care of her everyday? It looks like a lot of work..."

To which the woman replied, tearing up, "It's hard, really hard... But I can go through all of this for her. I will suffer for her. I love her."

And then they showed Fe on the screen, saying, "They do not have to speak-even if they don't tell me, I know it's hard for them..."

In a dramatic, slow motion kind of way, her tears fell down and she turned her face away from the camera. I cried.

They later revealed that Fe was a very persevering student. An honor student, in fact, and the Chairman of their Baranggay's Sangguniang Kabataan (Youth Council). This moved me more if that was even possible. It pained me to see such a young fellow crampled in bed, seeking for the best comfort it could offer, while every night, I lay myself in bed, tucked in three layers of fleece and silk and cotton, and I can still find an excuse to complain about my life.

Don't get me wrong- I did not come here to preach nor be a hypocrite. I know I must change my ways but if I am being honest, then I should be completely honest. And to be honest with you, it is not that easy. Change doesn't happen overnight-and I am trying really hard to be good to other people now as much as I can.

I am just here to reflect on how a random person's story touched me. Sure, she's not the only one who's suffering. Everyone suffers in one way or another. It's just that, of all the stories I have come across, it's her story that touched me most. There's the girl, striving for a better life-for a life like mine,possibly,she had the will and the courage to do all she could to achieve it,and then with one swift blow of fate,she was in ruins.

She's too young to go through all of this. I don't know,she really has my sympathy. Because of her, I go even more inspired now to do what I can, while I can, because evidently, nobody knows what might happen tomorrow. Even one slight of hand can change everything, so I decided not to let a single second go to waste.

You know, I've been devoting time trying to make part of the world a better place but I realize now that I have more time in my hands but I spend it doing nonsense for fun. I want to be able to help. I want to help as many as I can without forgetting my own dreams.I wish I could stop sneering at my life when I'm feeling down and just remember that some people always have it worse. We each have our own share of darkness and it is entirely up to us if we let it just pour heavily upon us, or learn to dance in the rain. I choose the latter.

I wish I could just go to her house right now and give her a hug and her Mom and sister, too. They have been doing a really good job in taking care of her. One day I might walk up to her and squeeze her in a hug to show her how much I care. As for now, I am planning to scour the streets in our City in October and hand roses to women and maybe give them a hug or two if they wouldn't mind. I'm going to make them see how beautiful this world is just because of their existence. A mother, a sister, a student, a best friend, a grandmother, a mother in law, a girlfriend, an ex girlfriend, a daughter, a niece-I will make them smile.

Trying To Be Everything Can make You Lose Your Mind.

She grew up on the side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow

Have you ever had that one lonely day when you realized that everything is just not the same?

You look back to what your life was like three months ago and you just can't help but ask yourself: What happened? Where did I go wrong?

People come, people go. What hurts the most is that our feelings stay the same.I wish it was as easy as letting go of money-you know how easy it is to spend money and you don't even mind handing it away to other people. But when it is someone who leaves, it's so difficult. Even giving away your favorite Teddy Bear is hard enough,what more,a person?

Sometimes we don't even have the chance to say goodbye. You just wake up one day and find that they are gone out of sight. What's worse is when they really haven't gone anywhere. You still talk, you still see each other,but somehow, the laughter doesn't sound the same. The tears are not so deep anymore,and as days go by,you don't realize how far you have grown apart.

I'm just lonely tonight. I miss having some people around.If I could,I would beg them to speak to me, but I am much of a coward to do so.I'm scared they might turn me down,and then I'll be left hurting even more. I don't get myself sometimes. I have always believed that if you love someone and you really mean it, you just do. You just love them and not ask for anything in return, but now I'm all demanding for even just one of these people I love to love me. I'm yearning for love. For once, I want to be loved.

It doesn't really help when memories are not on my side. Good or bad, they make me remember how happy it was with them. How happy we all were before I screwed things up. But of course, I fake it all with a smile, and say I am happy for them. I am happy for them-but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I meet cool people and introduce them,and then,all of a sudden, I'm not cool enough to belong with them anymore. It's like I am shoved out, and I keep getting locked out.

I am sorry for ranting here. It's not really a rant,you know?I'm just...I just thought I'd share my feelings. Sometimes, people treat me like I'm a saint. I feel like they forget that I have feelings too. Just because I let it pass when they bully me doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Of course,I do. We wouldn't be this far apart now if I don't get affected.

Anyways...I still can't believe it is September already. SEP. TEM. BER. And almost the 15th. How time flies. I remedy my loneliness by listening to Chistmas songs.Although to be honest,these Christmas songs only make me feel worse.I'm leaving you with my favorite Christmas Song of all time, composed and sung by Jose Marie Chan, a very talented Filipino composer/musician. P.S.- I'm sick, I have runny nose and I can't stop sneezing.Any medicine recs?

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.

My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries,and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. I am Heathcliff - he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but as my own being.

 I've been reading Wuthering Heights all day and I still cannot find the will to put the book down.My head is still pounding-it has been aching and throbbing for days now but it doesn't compare to the pain in my chest.

It has been a month and two days. I'm starting to doubt that I can ever forget. What I wouldn't give to forget for even just a second. I wish it was that easy, but then again, this is life. Moreover, everybody dies sometime. Everybody gets left behind.

I am literally sighing as I type down this post. Perhaps, next year, I will look back to this day and laugh at myself. Perhaps I'll wonder why I am so down today,almost losing hope,clueless and scared of the future.Maybe it will all end happily. Maybe one day, I will be able to walk down the streets, good as new, as if I have never gone through something like this at all. Or maybe not.

I kind of made a promise to myself. I've been hurting a lot lately,and I think it's about time I make myself happy. The question is how? How do I make myself happy when as soon as the word happiness comes to mind,all my brain can produce is a very vivid scene of myself with a guy-a guy whose face I cannot see-together in a brightly lit room,feeling warm and cozy,sitting in an oriental rug,reading some novels by the fire. I can hear the crackling sound of the coals breaking as the heat consume them. I can feel his fingertips absentmindedly brushing against mine. The sound of the heavy pouring rain pelting the roofs is so real that I can almost touch it.

I guess I just have to wait,you know? Wait for time to actually mend everything that's broken. But no matter what happens, I will never wait for life. Death has been showing itself to me quite often these days- I have attended quite a lot of funerals, more than normal, if I should say so. Every time I see someone else part with a loved one for good, it breaks me. It breaks me cause I know how awful it feels to know that there is NOTHING you can do. Sometimes, it almost drives me crazy, knowing that it doesn't really matter if I cry all night. In the morning, he still will not be there, and the only thing that will change is that my eyes will appear puffier than they already are.

With that said, I just realized that nothing good really comes out of my grievance. It only annoys my friends who don't care enough and hurts the ones who do. So I'm letting go...Step by step, day by day, we will part until it's not so painful anymore. I will keep my head up,searching the skies for the brightest star,and I shall assume it is you,shining down on me. I will keep my head up and let the golden beams of sunlight kiss my face,and it shall be just as good as your lips brushing smoothly against my skin.

I shall love everything beautiful in this world, and it will be like loving you, and it will be like you are never gone at all.

How People Treat You Is Their Karma,How You React Is Yours.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
 ~Hellen Keller ~




I had a really bad day today. I am not stating here what happened exactly, but I am telling you that my self esteem is pretty low tonight,or maybe, empty.


Why do people often only see physical beauty? Why do most of us feel like we have to bring someone else down so we could feel better about ourselves? The answer to this, I think, is beyond what my complicated mind can understand.No reason will be accaeptable enough for me to agree that anyone of us has any right to make someone else feel so low and unloved.


As you can see in the photo collage above, it clearly shows that I don't usually care about what others think about me. I am vain,but not as vain as a typical girl my age. To be honest with you, I think the only thing pretty about me is my hair, and sometimes I even have bad hair days, but I never refer to myself as ugly-just not good looking.


I like taking goofy photos of myself and making funny faces.I am not ashamed of showing them to people. Why would I be ashamed? I am not the type who puts my best foot forward and only posts photos when they make me look good. It really wouldn't matter if I am not at all pretty,right? I don't really care,for as long as I am comfortable and presentable,that is more than enough.


Perhaps now you have a vague idea of why I am blogging this way,saying these words. Yes, I have been bullied more than once today. The one incident,I really don't know if I should consider that bullying but it hurt me nonetheless. Sometimes,I wish people know when to shut up and keep their feet in their mouths. You know that rule or something? When you have nothing good or nice to say,keep your lips sealed. I wish people actually think before they speak,cause once you say something bad, no matter how many times you say sorry afterwards,you cannot take it back. You cannot just take it all back like nothing happened,cause the pain lingers long after your words are forgotten.


You know,if you hate me,it's totally fine with me.Just don't pretend to be my friend at all. I know what exactly a person's motives are just by looking at them, hearing them speak, or even reading their text messages or the words they say. I may appear to be very nice to you,but I know when you are being a false friend to me. I should tell you that you should beware of me if your intentions are not good. I am a true friend,but once you give me even the smallest reason to doubt,I will always be cautious of you.


And so now I am telling myself that this "friendship" is over. It is quite funny to me,you know,when I knew from the start that this is all pretense.Just you sneaky little scheme to make people think that you are,indeed, a good natured person.You might have fooled them,but not me. I can see through you. Although your physicality is not so bad,your insides are hopeless. Get well soon,bitch. Jealousy and hate are such horrible diseases. You are a toxic "friend", and I do not want to be poisoned.


It's a good thing I have just finished reading A Little Princess. I have this quote in mind right now, and I am taking it from Sara Crewe.

You don't know that you are saying these things to a princess, and that if I chose I could wave my hand and order you to execution.I only spare you because I am a princess,and you are a poor, stupid, unkind, vulgar old thing, and don't know any better.

That,my friend, says it all. Go have fun basking in all the attention and the belief that you are pretty. I don't care anyway. I never aspired to be pretty, because I know,I just know deep inside me that I am not pretty. Claim the throne, I'll even pin the glittering crown to your head. I'd much rather be simple, bold, and beautiful and be able to laugh at myself when I look like this:

or this:

Because guess what? I do not wear any make up on my face and people compliment me for these photos. I AM BEAUTIFUL, and nothing you say or do could EVER change my view.

Happy Birthday, Mar.

I woke up for a good reason.

Today, a Princess is celebrating her birthday. Who else? My Mar! :)

Since I can't send you a card, I made you one. Well, it's most likely a letter but does that matter? Okay, so here goes.

Dear Mar,

I have only known you for a few months, but already, your name will never be erased from my heart. It's like I have a big sister instantly.

I am so thankful and your birthday is one of my favorite days in the world. No words can express how grateful I am for having you in my life. Even all the words in a dictionary combined cannot express how much you mean to me.

Thank you for being so thoughtful and sweet to me. You might not know how much I appreciate it when you ask me how I am, and you seem genuinely interested with all the things I have to say. That alone is more than enough for me to love you.

I'm sorry if sometimes I take you for granted. I'm sorry if I am being a burden these days to all of you, but thank you for being so patient in dealing with me. Your heart is made of pure gold. I feel so honored for having you in my life.

My wish for ou is that I wish you would not change no matter what happens, and may you be successful, whatever path you choose to take. Just remember that I am always here, supporting you, ready to listen and help when you need me. No matter what happens, I will always carry you with me and I will remember to smile and be good,all because of you.

Again, thank you for being as wonderful as you are. Happy birthday, God bless you. Have a wonderful day, and may all your wishes come true.

I love you Mar.

Love,

Seann <3

I Know You're Tired.

And so am I.

I read this blog today, and honestly, these exact words describe how I am feeling now.

Just because I appear happy on some days doesn't mean that I am completely over the pain. Most of the time I go hiding what I truly feel just so I would not ruin someone else's day. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to place myself.

Rolando Mendoza held a bus full of tourists hostage today. Many of them died. They were innocent people who had nothing to do with him or his problems, and they died. They were probably people who were taking a break from life. People who had spouses and children waiting for them back home, but are now waiting for corpses.

So I told myself, if only I could have been there,I would have given my life in echange for someone else's. Someone who had the utmost will and drive to live. Someone who will never waste the chance if it were given to him or her.

Ate Liahn got mad at me for saying that.


I know she only cared for me, but I couldn't help but be hurt, too, even though it was true that I was being selfish. We had different views, you know? I tried to understand her point, though, so I apologized. She did not send me any reply... I guess that confirms that she's mad.

Honestly, it's okay with me. I don't want anyone to worry about me anyway...I just wish they would believe me when I say I'm fine. I'm okay, that's what they want to hear in the first place.

Even though my heart is breaking every single time I reach out fo your empty desk beside mine. No one would know the pain that rips me in two when a ray of sunshine hits the window sill and I look for your eyes immediately because they used to reflect the light all the time.

I know my friends are tired of me being all mopey and lonely, but what can a girl do? If only I could just tell my mind to shut up and stop thinking about you, I would. But that is impossible for now. I need time. I need time to heal and to grieve and to cry whenever I want to because it makes me feel better. But it affects everyone when I do, so I decided to just go on pretending everything's okay. Maybe then no one will hate me anymore. I already asked Mimi to never talk about me to anyone,too. It will be easier if no one else knows.

I wish you were here now. I miss your scent that carries me to sleep,to endless beautiful dreams. As time passes by, I find myself thinking what it would feel like to be with you again. I wish I had the courage to follow you but that would not make you happy, would it?

But what else can I do? I feel like a big failure here.

I'm Spinning and Swirling

I have nothing to say tonight. Do you know that feeling,when your mind is so clouded with things and you just don't trsust yourself to talk anymore?

What will I say now? I was supposed to be in Manila, but the trip was moved to next week, so I'm stuck here trying to review my lessons, but my mind just isn't feeling like a sponge. It would not accept anything I try to memorize. I'm just too distracted.

If there is any part of my body that feels like a sponge right now, that would be my limbs. I am so freaking exhausted and hungry. I have just eaten but I'm starving again. Shake my actual head. So I'm eating eggnogs here, trying to update you with what's going on with my life. It's not really so bad,noh? That doesn't make it so good though.

I miss everyone. Here I am again, being emotional and all, but Twitter is so quiet. Last night we tried to make Greenbone trend but we had no luck, I guess. Ashley was seen again kissing another guy. This time it was Joe Jonas. Mind you, I have nothing against him, but... I don't know. I just don't think he's good enough for her. But then again, her dating record isn't too good either.

When she was papped making out with Brock, I cried. Now, I didn't. I should, I know I should, but I think I'm used to it. It will only take a matter of time before she's back in Jackson's arms again. It's hard to judge her or the relationships she gets herself into because no one really knows the truth behind them except herself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I want to just ask her to come right out and tell us what's going on. Sometimes, we deserve to know.

But that is her private life. I just wish she would keep it private, because with what I am seeing, it's like she's having a party in her bedroom and the door is slightly open, giving us all a glimpse, but never allowing us to enter. Wait--does that make sense to you?

I wish it will all stop and she'd just settle down and stay with one guy,you know? I'd love it if it was Jackson but if she prefered someone else and I saw that she was truly happy, I would never go against it. Only she knows what's best for her. I love Ashley more than anyone else (not my family and friends,ah whatever, if you are looking up to someone right now you would know what I mean), and I only want her to be truly happy, but when you are a stranger looking from the outside, you will never understand what she is doing with her life. I'm trying to make sense of all of it though.. She's young and beautiful. She has the right to make the most out of it in any way she wants.

I just swear to God, if she ends up getting hurt because of Joe... I don't know. I just don't know.

P.S.:

I changed my blog music again. It's the fourth one now. First was She Is The Sunlight by Trading Yesterday, followed by May I by Trading Yesterday, then, Gone by Jim Chapell, now it's I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. Mainia introduced me to this song. I can't stop listening to it now. I can relate to the lyrics.

Off I go to munch on crackers.

Every Flower Has The Right To Be Called Beautiful.

Yesterday, I made an avatar in Ameba Pico. It's a virtual world game in Facebook where you get to decorate your own place and interact with other players from all over the world.

When creating my avatar,you have like,tons of choices on how you want your Pico to look like.You get to choose the skin color,eyes,hair,make up,and so on.

I've seen my friends' avatars before.They were all pale or creamy skin with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. For a change,I chose the darkest skin tone for my avatar. I also gave her black hair and black eyes. Guess what? She looked so pretty. :')

Anyway,my point is that I still don't understand why anyone would make a girl feel like she's not beautiful. Every girl is beautiful,in one way or another. That's what I believe in, that's why when I feel like pigging out on cakes or ice cream or chocolates when I'm feeling down and my friends don't want to go with me,I hate it. I hate it that they feel like they have to deprive themselves of something they truly deserve.

Now,don't get me wrong.I also feel "fat" and "ugly" sometimes,in fact, I was on my way home yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror and noticed that I gained weight. I passed a gym by the road and was thinking of signing up,but then again, I stood in front of a glass wall to check myself out. My hair was all messed up and my lip gloss was smudged,giving me that slight frown and my uniform was wrinkled.It was true,my stomach was sticking out a little,and I was starting to feel depressed. I decided I would start a diet but as soon as I did, my tummy came rumbling. I realized I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Immediately, I went to 7 Eleven and bought doughnuts and Coke. I forgot about the diet thing.

You know,there's nothing wrong with avoiding chocolates and pastries as long as it's all for the right reasons. But if your reason is "it makes me fat", that is not reason enough. If there is one thing that can cure a broken heart, that will be those sweets that you are trying so hard to ignore. I just want to say relax. Give in. You deserve that chocolate bar or that bag of chips every once in a while.

I don't even know why people like looking so much on the outside when there's more to see on the inside. Maybe that is human nature,but you know,no matter how physically attractive you are,if you have a rotten attitude and all you do is step on other people's feet just so you could stand taller,you are nothing but an empty box wrapped in fancy paper.

I know this may sound like a cliche,but let's face it.Most cliches speak the truth. I,for one,look past all the expensive make up and porcelain skin.No matter who or what you are-a mother,grandmother, student, vendor, nurse, teacher, plain housewife, bank teller, writer, laundry woman, household helper- as long as you have a heart that cares not only for yourself,but for your fellows, you are beautiful.

Today, I woke up with this one realization. This one phrase that I have been denying myself for God knows how long...

I am beautiful, yes I am. And YOU are,too.

I Look Deep In My Eyes...I've Never Felt So Alone.

So here's the thing, I came here to vent about my life,how sad and lonely and miserable I am. Now, I can't remember what I wanted to say earlier.

Anyway,the skies were really pretty today. It was cloudy and gray,mostly, but on my way home,the silhouettes of the mountains bordered the river view. It was sunset, part of the skies were pink and orange and teal, and then the mountains were just shadowy shades of blue. Lovely. Very.

I'm proud to say I'm slowly retreating out of my shell again,you know?Although sometimes it's still so hard,like when I'm happy,then I will remember him,then I will feel guilty for being happy. I scold myself,asking WHY ARE YOU HAPPY,YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. I don't know.

I'm very  thankful that I have my friends who never get tired of me.If not for them,I would have given up a long time ago.It just proves that I am lucky,in spite of all this sh*t that I am going through.

Anyway,I have some reason to be happy now.All's fine again with me and my Mom, and my grandma isn't mad about it like I thought she would be.Sometimes,people have to remind me how kind hearted my grandmother is.She deserves more than I give her credit for.

School's draining all the energy out of me.I swear I'm not going to live until graduation if we keep up with this crazy schedule.I sleep mostly at 2 or 3 am and wake up SO early.I feel like a zombie.Sometimes I find myself drifting off to sleep at the most random places/moments/situations.

I'm a bit disappointed cause I was supposed to go to Trinoma on the 22nd (Sunday) to meet up with Mainia and Ate Li to watch Vampires Suck, but Mainia found out that it wouldn't hit Philippine theaters until the 25th,so we moved the date to the 29th. Big sigh. My clothes were pressed,folded, and hung already,and now they'll be sitting on my closet for another week.I was so excited for that trip.

Lastly,I'm going crazy looking for gray boots right now. I am downright obsessed but they are so expensive and if I ordered now,it would take them until October to arrive.I cannot wait that long!I need to have those gray boots NOW.

Because I had a dream that I met Ashley Greene while I was wearing gray boots.I know,I know I'm crazy...I'm just chasing my dream. What have I got to lose,anyway? Plus I have always wondered what I would look like with boots on.

So you see,I feel lighter now than I have ever been in the past few posts.It feels so good to just lie on my own bed and think about stuff and have a good cry. I guess someday I will move on and smile completely without feeling guilty. Just not now.Not yet..

I'll Put His Picture Down And Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight.

 Tonight,I wanna cry.

But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.

This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.

I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.

I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.

C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and  I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...

Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.

If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.

See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.

It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.

So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.

I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.

If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.

I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.

That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...

And it kills me.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Why Are We So Distant Now?

She sat by the door,craning her neck to watch the skies.


Tonight,the moon's chin was pointy and sharp,and part of its face was but a beautifully hidden shadow. A star shone brightly by its side,reminding the moon that it was not alone.


She was never the type to run away from problems.She was always one to believe that if she faced it earlier,she'd be out of it earlier.


Today,she ran away.


Not because she felt like giving up...But because she was scared she would not feel like giving up.



I'm just so confused...Why does she keep on trying to bend the truth? She told me what she thought: that I was brainwashed. That's what she always says. This was what I told her: I am not being brainwashed by anybody. I am old enough to know the truth and to choose what I should believe in.

Mom and I had a heated conversation on the phone.Well,they were only text messages cause I didn't answer her calls...Don't judge me just yet..I have my reasons.

When she lied to me face to face about her boyfriend,we didn't say anything.I've been trying so hard for so long to be happy for her,with her choices because she deserves to be happy,but why does her happiness always have to hurt us?

I just hate it when people lie to me. It always ends up badly when people tell lies. What's so wrong with the truth? Sure,it will hurt and it will not be always nice, but it will all come up eventually anyway,so why not just get it over with as soon as possible?

I just don't get people sometimes...We always make empty promises and say some words that mean nothing at all to us,when we know they mean the world to the people who receive them.I just want to get rid of all the complications we human beings make.They make life all the more difficult to live.

Like for example when we say "I am always here for you," we go wrong right there. You can't always be there for someone. You know that,at some point in time your lives will drift apart,or you would stop caring,or they will stop needing you.At some point in your lives things will change.They will take a turn for the better or for the worse--we don't know which will be which,but the point is,they will change with each passing of time.With every falling leaf. With every broken promise. With every hoping heart. With every lesson learned.

Now everytime someone tells me something,I catch myself wondering what is real and what is just added to make the story sound better.

People grow tired of believing,of trusting,hoping,and having faith when all the time they get deceived.

I am deceived of the truth. I've heard one too many empty promises.

I'm tired.

Love Is Stronger Than Death

Life is odd.

I mellowed down tonight and watched Griffin and Phoenix. It was all about doing whatever makes you happy while you are still alive. Pretty good, it made me cry.

Now,I'm waiting for "City Of Angels" to load on Youtube. Yes, it's 10:41 PM and the first part isn't even halfway loaded. It has 10 parts or so,if I am not mistaken.

Somewhere in here Mimi is playing The Sims 2. I'm not really sure where exactly she is right now,for all I know she might even be on the roof. She has this uncanny (I just want to use this word okay?) habit of dragging the laptop wherever she pleases. She came busrting out the bedroom door earlier to check on me. Apparently,I was sobbing loudly...Don't judge me,I wasn't aware.

I'm still super lonely but my friends are doing a very good job in distracting me from feeling the urge to lock myself in a dark room and cry.Maybe they are all conspiring against me.I really don't mind...It's nice to know that someone cares every once in a while.

There's Mainia and Ate Li,Ching,Ate Pat,Darcy and Mar and Ketty who never fail to remind me that I am not alone.I cannot thank them enough for putting up with me. There's Sofia and Leslie and Mailen and Ani and Rani and Lika and Yuannita and Lauren and Maddie and everyone else in between. Pretty pretty hearts...They make me feel loved. Then there's Yasmina and Monica.They save me...Day by painful day. I want you all to know how thankful and lucky I am for having you all in my life. I feel your presence lingering beside me.Whenever it gets too lonely,too dark,I think about you and I'm alright again.

I can't say I'm happy now. It's not that easy,but I am just starting to accept it.I think it's safe to say that I'm starting to heal and learning to let go of the things that hurt me...Not only him,but everything else.

It's not that I don't love you anymore...

It's just that I taught myself to stop caring about you. We fell down this hole and you helped yourself up and left me all alone.

If you think it's you,so be it.

C, I love you.With every single heartbeat.