New Year....Same Old Life.

This will be my last post not only for the month of December,but also for the year 2010. I've been on Blogger for a year, and I can say it has helped a lot in letting out my frustrations without harming anyone. LOL.

This year has been great. Unlike so many people who complain about it and are happy that 2010 is almost over, I am sad at its passing. 2011 is not my year,that I can tell you right now. There will be so much drama,and I will have a lot of explaining to do. I'm dreading it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God loves me so much that he'll let me die before 2011. Obviously, it's not gonna happen.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about that stuff just yet. It's depressing. Maybe when I'm ready...

As I was saying,2010 has been one hell of a year. I've met a lot of new people this year,and they're already a part of me forever. That sounds corny, but really...I've found great friends,and I have no plans of throwing them away anytime soon. :)

My family has been beach crazy during the summer. We celebrated my birthday on the beach. We went to the beach a lot,period. I've seen Eclipse more than 10 times, and The Last Airbender in 3D. I have gone to Manila back and forth. How I love that city.

I've learned a lot from the 12 months that passed. I've learned that you can never fully trust anyone again once they've failed you. I've learned that no matter how much people say they love you, they're going to move on with their lives when that love goes unappreciated. Goodbyes hurt, but not as painful as the hellos you never had the chance to make. There are some people you wish you never knew...but deep down,you'll always be thankful for their presence in your life.

Sometimes, trials come, and we don't understand why they happen. The lessons come long after the storm is gone,most of the time. This year has taught me a lot to be strong; to learn to stand up by myself, to never be afraid of being who I am. I've seen almost all kinds of people. There are the traitors, the true friends, the liars, the people who live for others. Some of them have shown me that no matter how good you are, there will always be that one who treats you like trash, and if you're weak on the knees, you'll never last long. Despite all the pain I've gone through, I came out stronger than I ever was. I've learned that I'm never alone, and that there are people ready to take the fall for me.

As this year's end flashes before my eyes, all I can say is that just like every other year that passed, this one has been great in its own way. We have had our ups and downs, everybody goes through something sometimes. 2011 is our chance to be who we've always wanted to be on 2010. All we can do is make the best of it, for every second that passes is never coming back.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being the beautiful stars that give light to my way. I love you! <3

I'm Sorry For That Night.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?


We all have,at one point in our lives. Family, friends, lovers. I have loved someone so much that it hurt, and it still does. Sometimes, reality is the last place I want to be in.

K and I had a huge fight because of V. No, I'm not blaming V or K, or maybe even myself. It's no one's fault, but it hurts nonetheless. In a matter of a few hours,I've lost two important people in my life.

K for opening my roleplay account out of curiosity, and so he saw something he didn't want to see- V's tweets about having an accident or whatever that was. That account is a lie, and I know that,and I never intended to snoop on her business.It just so happened that K had, and he hates lies. A lot. And there are other people involved that he cares a lot about, so it got all complicated and came down to one thing after the other: I got mad at K, K got mad at me, I read all those tweets in question, got disappointed with a friend, and V blocked me.

I'm not even sure now if she'll ever speak to me again. I can handle not having K in my life. It will be hard, of course, but if it boils down to me having to choose, I'd rather have V.

Even if it feels like she'd rather not have me.

I'm fine,actually. I just feel empty. It's cold, and I'm not feeling it physically. It's so hard to stand when you don't know what else to believe in. You might be saying "Seann, shut the fuck up. It's role play."

Well yes,it's roleplay. But behind those characters are humans with feelings. Humans who escape the real world because it's shitty enough for them. I'm sorry. It's just that I stood up for her, and here I am, still lost them both. I guess it doesn't matter,anyway.

I'm still here though. Waiting for a simple hello,nothing else. Just give me that and it will all be fine. Things will fall back to the right places in time.

As for everyone else, be careful with what you say, but most of all, be careful with what you hear. The world is full of trickery.

I Miss Everything About You.

I guess it's one of those things I have no control about. People come, people go. But it's easier said than done. How will I go on with my life when it feels like I'm leaving part of my heart behind? It can't beat properly...

Ching, you may or may not be able to read this, but I'll let my guard down all the same. It's like a letter I will never send. I'm writing this not because I want to force myself into your life. I'm writing this to let all the pain out of me, because I am about to explode.

First of all, Ching, I miss you.














The last few days have been blank. All I remember now are the times I spent thinking and worrying about you. I've known you only for a short time but in all those moments I talked to you, it's like I have been acquainted with your pain. I might never know what hurts you, but it doesn't stop me from feeling the depth of your wounds and wanting to help you treat them, make them heal.

I can't even describe to you how sad you are making me... Don't get me wrong, please... It's not like I'm blaming you... It's just that....I should have been there more for you. I should have let you know how important you are to me. In my life, I claimed you as a younger sister, and it hurts me inconsolably to know that I could have done something-anything, to make you stay.

You did not even say goodbye. You told me you'd hold on and never let life beat you. What happened, Ching? Did they hurt you? Did anyone do something bad to you? I so badly want to protect you, to shield you from all the pain. I so badly want to receive you in my home, my fortress, and be able to tell you that nobody will hurt you anymore.

I guess it's too late for me. I feel like I failed at being a friend because of this. I feel like I have let you down when I promised not to. I feel like you banged the door close on my face. I miss you so much... I miss you so much...

I know you think nobody loves you. Truth is, I do. I may never have told you enough how much you mean to me...I wish I could fly despite my lack of wings. I wish I could give you a hug every single day and tell you how beautiful you are until you believe me, cause you are.

Wherever you are tonight, Ching, I'm sending you all my love. I'm whispering to the wind and I hope it carries to you all the words my heart says but my lips cannot utter. I'm not forcing you, nor even asking to be a part of your life. I just want you to tell me something, even just one word-satiate my heart's thirst for you. I hope you don't feel alone. I may not be there with you, but I am here for you.

I wish I could wipe your tears away. But because I can't, I'll cry with you instead.

If I can't stop you from bleeding, then you can't stop me from bleeding with you.

I love you so much. I hope all is well.

I'm Not Strong Enough To Carry On...

Thought I heard your voice yesterday.When I turned around to say that I loved you,I realized that it was just my mind,playing tricks on me...

I can't describe how I am feeling right now. One thing's for sure... I don't want to go to Twitter or Facebook for now, because I make my friends sad, and I don't like that at all...

I could always tell them that I am fine,but that would be a lie,and it will only make things more complicated. But if I could not tell them that,then what should I say? It's not only my heart that is breaking... Every part of my whole being is. My soul, my mind, maybe even my sanity... I cannot just pull them down with me in this cold dark prison...That would be too selfish...

It has been two days...Still, part of me wants to destroy everything--the flowers, the casket, the candle holders...everything. I want to scream and put up a fight and tell them that this is all wrong, that he is not dead, that it is not him... I want to be sure that I have done everything I can to make him stay. I just want to know that there really isn't anything I can do anymore...

Every time the skies are gray, I miss him. Today, the rain poured heavily, like my tears, washing away all the hope I had, the faith that I would never lose him. It hurts, and no one will ever understand my pain, because no one has to drag theirselves down in that aisle in between the pews, feet shaking, heavy body, to walk towards him, locked up in brass copper and glass, knowing it might be one of the last few times they would be able to see him...

I spent the afternoon in his bedroom in the apartment,and I could almost cut the air with a knife...The atmosphere was so thick and loneliness embraced me...It's just not the same without him...I sat in the middle of the empty room...Picturing him playing the piano where it used to sit in the corner... Remembering how messy his room always was...Missing the t-shirts and pieces of paper that always covered the floor...

And to think,this is not the hardest part. It's only just the start... I'm scared. How will my life get back to normal after I watch them bury him six feet under? I don't know if I will still be able to cry... it feels like I have run out of tears...I just feel so empty...Like a robot...

And I don't know how to go on with my life without him. For years...I have counted on him. I have leaned my head on his shoulder for all the times I cried...I laughed, got drunk, pushed him off the road. We rode bicycles together, bathed in a waterfall together, watched horror movies together, ate ice cream together... We did everything together... I can't do those things alone now without thinking of him and feeling the pang of pain hit me like a tsunami... It just hurts so much...

I don't know what to say anymore...I still wish to wake up tomorrow and find out that it all was just a bad dream,but I won't...And so i ask myself what I would be willing to give away to have him back...

And then I answer...

What wouldn't I? :'(

I Need To Feel You.

Take me back...Take me back in your arms...

The only way I could hear your voice these days is when you're on the phone, telling me how hard your job is...You once told me that you noticed how tired I was,how tired I sounded...You didn't know the reason behind my silence.

I wanted to tell you that my classmate used to say that one day we would fly.She made us fall in line back in second grade and pressed our foreheads until they were bloody red,because supposedly, that was the only way we could fly. That night, I stayed awake, waiting for my body to start floating magically on air. I could not wait to fly. I could not wait to fly to you...

I wanted to tell you that I started liking a guy when I was in sixth grade. He had beautiful skin, and I hated my best friend because she liked him too, and unlike me,she was not discreet about it. I wanted to tell you that my teachers told everyone that they were pretty...Everyone except me, because I was boyish and unruly. Because nobody was there to say I should have grown my hair, I should have tied it up so that it would not cover my face.

I wanted to tell you how happy I was when my crush covered my eyes with his hands when I was thirteen.When I was fourteen, I thought I was in love. I rushed into things and got my heart broken for the first time. I wished you were there for me while I cried silently inside the bathroom, because I wanted no one to hear me. The pain was rippling, and I got over it, but every night, I wished you were there... I wished you were here...

I wanted to tell you how much I have grown. How I wanted you to be in the picture as I clicked the camera shutter on my sister's graduation. I wanted you to be with me when I enrolled for College. I wanted to tell you how I loved my College course, but you didn't like it. I wanted to prove to you that I was right...

Now, I'm nineteen. When you were my age, you had me. I want to tell you about my friends who call their Moms bitches just because the women won't let them use the computer, or go out with friends. I want to tell you how selfish I think they are for taking their Moms for granted. I want you to know how proud I am of myself because not once do I think of you the way they think about their Moms. I could tell you a lot right now... I could tell you how much pain I am feeling because of you, because you left, because I lost you, and never found you again. I want to tell you, Hey Mom...It's me. Hey Mom, what's for breakfast? Hey Mom, these are my friends. Hey Mom, can I have some spare cash? Hey Mom, let's bake a cake. Hey Mom, is everything alright? Hey Mom, I love you every fucking second of my life. Hey Mom, it hurts. Hey Mom... Did my heart break enough this time? Did it break enough...?

Mom,every time I remember you...I remember you yelling at me...Because that's all the memory I have.Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night from dreaming about the very first time you went away. It's like I am there all over again, red rimmed eyes, tear soaked shirt... I did not beg you to stay, but you did not see my lips quiver when I mumbled goodbye.

Mom, I wish I never said goodbye... Maybe if I didn't,you would have came back...

Keep Breathing,I'm Not Leaving You Anymore

I love you...I loved you all along...

What if you spent all your life working hard on something, and then it didn't happen the way you planned? What if for ages,you kept to yourself...You never spoke of the way you felt about certain things or people,and then,one day,when it was already too late,you found out that they felt the same?What if you devoted everything you own to one person,and then they ended up disappointing you?

Time...You don't buy it cause you can't. It's free,but only while it lasts.

We waste too much time thinking about what could have been,instead of working on what is. Most of us believe that life is all about what we have,when in fact,life is all about what we do with what we have.We always focus on what we want,and as soon as we get what we want,we wound up wanting more.It's an endless and redundant process,and in the end, we all die with nothing to bring but our souls,anyway.

I used to do everything I could to prevent myself from getting hurt,because as I have said a thousand times before,pain is the greatest of my fears.Now that I am smarter and older,I found out that pain is what I need in order to grow.It might be forced out of me,but it's all for goodness' sake,and through it, I am better.

We all have our regrets. We often make mistakes, and do things the wrong way, or simply just do the wrong things.Our lives don't have to stop because of one single mistake though. Go back to the one you left if you feel like you belong with them. Say how sorry you are, and mean it. Tell yourself that you will try not to falter again, and with all your heart, prove it.You owe it to yourself to pursue your happiness,and dwelling in the past and carrying its burden in your shoulders is not a way to achieve it.

Sometimes,we have to move on, because goodbye is the only way.

Sometimes,we are blessed with the choice to stay...And times like that,the opportunity should never be wasted.

Because regret is one bitter pill to swallow.

He Didn't Tell Me How To Live; he Lived, And Let Me Watch Him Do It.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman.  And when she is a woman he turns her back again.  ~Enid Bagnold

This is just depressing. I don't know why I can't let it all go completely without chasing after it... Without chasing after him...

Everybody says it's okay, that's life... But it's easy for them to say that I have to move on because the have no idea how painful it is to lose a father. After all, they still have theirs.

I can't help but be jealous when I see my classmates being driven to school by their Dads, because I've never had that experience. When wedding bells ring and a bride walks down the aisle, arms linked with her Dad's, it pushes me on the verge of crying... Because I will never experience that. I may be able to ask the orchestra to play Dance With My Father or Butterfly Kisses, things like this can be faked, but not the emotions I would feel when I'm dancing, twirling in some other man's arms.

No one can replace my father. It hurts me when people nudge me and whisper "there goes your new Dad" then point to my Mom's new man. It makes me cringe. How can they be so heartless, so insensitive about my feelings? Aren't they aware of the weeping thirteen year old hidden beneath my grown up facade? Because I, I can feel her presence inside me. She is grieving, even until now, and I guess she always will. My hair might have grown longer, my limbs taller, my body leaner, but deep inside, emotionally, I have never really grown. I'm still that thirteen year old, caged in my emotions, dealing with my mourn alone. Because seven years canot erase the fact that I'm blaming myself for this horrific loss that our family has gone through.

No one really speaks about him at home. When someone does, it is indirect and casual, as if they are talking about an old television set, or something that passed naturally. I don't think I need to analyze why; it's pretty clear. No one can talk about him and the things he did in the past, because no one can laugh about it. Because saying "he used to" would confirm everything. It would knock on our heads and deliver a mail saying he really is gone. And we don't want that to happen. For us, he lives on. We may not be the type of family who still sets a plate in the dining table for him, but we are living in a delicate bubble where all we do is smile and dream and convince ourselves that he is alive, and that's what helps us get through each day.

I cannot, and might never grasp the fact that he is completely gone. In my heart, he is alive. In my heart, it is always June 20, 2003, a day before his accident. A day where he was at home, helping my aunts rearrange the funiture while I was curled up in a ball in the sofa, reading Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden. It was the last time we ate lunch together, and after that day, nothing stayed the same. Ever since he was gone, there's an aching hollow in my chest, an empty seat in the dining table, a gap in the family that used to form a perfect circle.

Ironically, the last perfect day of my life reaches its seventh anniversary today, June 20, 2010. And it's Fathers Day.

Find Me Again

Good evening...

Half an hour ago, I decided to turn in early as I am not feeling well. But the moment I closed my eyes, this line just popped into my mind, out of nowhere. That is FIND ME AGAIN.

I don't know where I got it. Maybe I've been watching too much Korean dramas or reading way too many romance novels (I love you, Nicholas Sparks), but either way, it lead me to this realization, that once in my life, someone found me. I was astray, but he lead me home. I tried to ignore this inkling feeling to write, believe me, I did, I even made a compromise with myself, that I will blog it down first thing tomorrow morning, just not now cause I'm really tired, spent, wasted.... Whatever you want to call it. But here I am. I ended up sighing and giving in, because if I let these emotions go, they might not be the same tomorrow. That was one thing I learned from him.

Back to those days, when I was young and naive (I still am, but I improved a little. Or maybe that's what I like to think.), I was a crumpled piece of paper. There's this someone who kept on shaping and misshaping me as he pleased, trying to make me be who he wanted me to be. As I have said, I was young and naive, maybe even stupid,  and I thought I was in love so I let him dictate where my life should be headed, because when you love someone, you feel happy even with the slightest glance. Even when he treats you like crap.

It was not a good relationship, and after my heart broke enough, he threw me away like trash. Now, looking back, I feel like if I had been there watching my stupidity, I would have slapped my younger self in the face and tell her that love is not as simple as I made it out to be.

That was when the other one found me. You see, after I was thrown, carried away by the wind, he picked me up and told me that I was worth so much more. We met in April, and until now, thinking of it, what we had was what you would call a summer fling. There were problems that lay along the way, but when you feel the way I felt about him, I swear you would have no fears too, like I didn't. I was secure.

We began hanging out on May 6, this I clearly remember, because the excitement of dating for real for the first time rendered me sleepless for a few nights. He was kind hearted and easy to talk to, and believe it or not, I fell for him every single day. He had the ability to make me believe that I was somehow beautiful, and he didn't just say it; he showed it, too.

He was my first love, and when I told him that I loved him, I meant it more than I let him see. I did everything for him, like he did everything for me, and everything felt so perfect. I was literally sitting atop a cloud those day, those few months that I was with him. But what we had-it was never official.It was something special that only we could see, and we were a couple, but what kind of couple, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I loved him, and I was living in a bubble where he was a Prince, and I was a Princess, and every love song ever made was written for the two of us.

What I didn't know was that bubbles tend to pop easily. One innocent argument grew to be two, until they multiplied before my very eyes, and one day, I woke up by reality's side. It was the 6th of August when he said goodbye. Again, this I clearly remember, because it was a beautiful and rainy afternoon, just two days before our Acquaintance Party. I was on my way home when he told me that he didn't feel the same for me anymore, just when I was about to apologize for not letting my real emotions flood through. It was the worst day of my life, my lips were quivering, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't, because I was on a passenger jeepney.

It took me more than a year to get over him. Not completely, because on the back of my mind I know that once I love someone, there's no turning back. No matter how much pain I've gone through because of them, there will still be a little space in my heart where they would reside forever. It was not easy, the first few months that I tried living without him. I forced myself to forget immediately, but because it was all so special, it was not easy. It was never easy, it never would be.

The day after he walked out of my life was the hardest. I woke up pinching myself, hoping it was all a dream, and it wasn't. And I was almost suicidal. My days were like an empty pit, and as time flew by, it got more hollow and it seemed to get darker. It was embarrassing to sit in a corner in my classroom and cry, with my classmates thinking they did something that upset me, but I did anyway. There was this one guy in school who had the same name as his, and I swear every single time he walked by and his mates called him, my head would jerk up automatically in response, hoping against hope that it was the guy I was longing for.

If all the love songs seemed to be written for us when we were together, all the heartbreak songs tore my heart a little bit more as I struggled to continue living without him. I used to have sleepless nights thinking what might have happened if he knew how strongly I felt for him. I used to regret not saying all the words that I kept within me, when they could have been my saving grace. My friends would always look at me with pity back then, because all they could read in my eyes was sorrow. They were puffy and red, and I was tired.

It took me so long to partially realize that our destinies were etched in the stars, and that stars have the tendency to explode and fall. I wrote my first name with his last, now, I don't have any idea where I put the paper.

Still, there are times when I'd stare at the stars and make a wish for someone I deserve to find me again...

When The Air That I Breathe Becomes The Air That I Choke

I love Ashley Greene so much that sometimes, it hurts to know that I'll only reach her in my dreams...

Sometimes, I question God why I was born unwealthy. WHy wasn't I born rich, so that I could go to wherever she is and see her, even just for once? Wouldn't that be nice? Loving someone with all your heart and knowing that somehow, they do not have any idea about how you feel for them is the most painful thing in the world.

Admit it. We all want to be noticed. That's why we do our best to get someone's attention. Unluckily for me, I couldn't do anything. I love her so much and she means the world to me.Sometimes, I even go as far as daydreaming about meeting her, or receiving a tweet or a direct message from her. To some,these things are trivial, but we all have that in us,it just so happened that we feel differently for different people.

Now,knowing that she's going to London is awesome, and my two best friends might be there to meet her, while I will remain stuck here, dreaming of being there, meters away from them...Sometimes, life sucks too much that it makes me want to cry.The very thing I want is the one thing I can't have.

I can't put it in exact words,but I know that you know what I mean.This is the only time I feel like the things that are making me happy are now the very things that cause me tears.I know someday it would all work out fine though.I just want to get this off my chest that there's this one chance of meeting the three of them at a time,it's the best thing ever...It's hanging above my head,but it is way beyond my reach. :(

Goodbye Is The Only Way For Destiny

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Acceptance...Love...Understanding...

Where have all of these gone?

My eyes are so puffy from crying last night,and today I'm planning to just lock myself up in this room,because I don't want to see the world.I'm not yet ready.

Being respected and understood is a big deal for me.Maybe it's because I've experienced and am still experiencing a phase in my life wherein I can't be myself.I have to mold myself to whatever people expect me to be just so I wouldn't disappoint them.And I hate that.I really really hate that,and I am so tired.

That's why when I'm in here,I always make it a point to be the real me,or the closest I could get to that.When I'm talking with my friends,I make it a point to be true and honest,because I expect to be heard for a while,even if I oftentimes sound ridiculous,even if I talk nonsense.I'm showing them the real side of me that only they are allowed to see because I expect them to understand.I expect them to laugh it off,then in the end,make me feel accepted and loved,not ridiculed in front of my own self.I deserve to be respected,if not as a friend,a sister,a neighbor,a student,a daughter...then at least respect me as a human being.

I was just expressing my opinion.Just like all of you,there are things that matter to me.There are things that i couldn't live without,and there are things that are not worth my short attention span at all.And you should respect that because I am trying my damndest every second to respect you and your choices no matter how trivial they appear to be to me.You don't even have to ask me to understand because I do.I do understand how people can be so passionate about one thing,because I feel the same about certain things too.I understand you.Now ask yourself if you understand me.I need a friend who understands give and take...I can't be the only one giving...Nothing's left of me...

That might have sounded unfair,but it isn't.Look at it this way: I make my own choices here,okay?This is my f*cked up life and it's up to me to live it the way I want to.I don't force you into taking interest in the things I love.Should you do that to me?

I hate being put inside a box...I'm so tired,so tired of all these.It's so painful.Until now I feel like my heart is being shattered to pieces and just thinking about it makes me cry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry for ever existing in your perfect lives.I don't want to ruin in anymore with my stupidity,so goodbye.

I'm sorry for leaving this way.You know I don't want to.Just thinking of it makes me cry.But I have to.I have to go on and be myself and I just found out that you can't accept who I really am.How am I supposed to feel,finding that out?I've laid all my cards on the table,and I've lost.Maybe I've been too dependent on you...I expected you to say it's okay,it's okay even if it's not.Because for so long you've been doing that...You've been my fortress of comfort when the rest of the world turned their backs on me.

Now I want to run to you to make it all okay again but I can't.I used to say I'm alone but not lonely.Now,I am alone,and lonely.And it sucks because I can't find comfort anywhere.Everything tells me how I cannot be me cause I will never be loved for it.How am I supposed to feel?I thought I found somewhere to show the girl behind the mask-that is until I realized you're too good for me.And no matter what I do or who I become,I can never be enough...

Walking Away,I'll Be Seeing You Through A Satellite

I was headed home from the movie theater when you called.

"I need you here."
That was what you said.Your voice held a tone of urgency,so without seconds thoughts,I rushed back to your house.

When I arrived and rang the door bell,your house helper answered me by the gate.Except for her,the house was empty.

"Where is he?" I asked,a little annoyed that you might be toying around with me.

She told me that you informed her that you were going for a walk in the abandoned subdivision, Green Meadows.I asked her if she thought you were serious,she nodded.

I was worried.The abandoned subdivision?Green Meadows?What were you thinking?Still,I hired a tricycle to take me there.I was scared,not for myself,but for you.Yes,I know what loneliness does to you.

I was frantically calling your phone,but it just kept ringing.I got no answer.

When the tricycle dropped me off by the front gate,which was rusty and old,by the way,and it made an ugly screeching noise when I pushed it open,I looked around in hopes that I would see you,but I didn't.So,wearing my uncomfortable plaid peep toe flats,I made my way pass the tall swaying trees of pine,following the narrow dirt path that was drawn among the grass.It was a long walk before I saw you.

You were sat on the grass,facing the scattered patches of wildflowers that bloom only in Summer.The orange glow of the sunset illuminated that sad look upon your face.It made your sadness so distinct that I felt a fang of guilt crawl through my veins as I sat beside you.

Without looking at you,I spoke. "Will you tell me about it...Or do I have to guess?"

You sighed.That question held some significance to our friendship.We never force information out of each other.That was what we always used to ask,to find out what was wrong.

Silence.It used to be so comfortable,but a lot has changed in the last two years.If not for the same old girl's reflection in the mirror that glances back at me every time,I would believe we have entirely lost what we used to be.

You continued staring at the dancing flowers.There was a warm and gentle breeze.If it had not been you and I,I would say it was romantic.

As your thoughts carried you to a world of your own,I slightly turned my head to secretly stare at you.For the first time,I saw what you've been hiding all those times.I saw your burning ache to call me your own,and to feel that you belong to me.I saw someone who wanted so bad to be mine,hiding behind the facade of the same guy that was mine in an entirely different light.

"I'm sorry if I worried you."

You said that.It was the first time you've ever been sorry.You used to annoy me,pull pranks on me and purposefully make me cry,and not once did I ever hear you say you were sorry,even when I demanded it from you.

I frowned,it was my turn to fool you. "I got blisters on my feet for walking all the way here."

Instead of what I was expecting,I was surprised when you pulled my shins up to get a hold of my feet.One after the other,gently,you removed my shoes.

"I know I'm also causing you pain.I read your blog last night.I'm sorry for being selfish."

"Don't be." I answered. "As much as I want to say I hate you,you could probably see how deeply I care about you."

You nodded,with that immeasurable amount of pain showing in your forced smile.I wanted to look away.I could never bear to see you in pain.Instead,I closed my eyes.

Darkness and light fought for dominance when you asked me to stay for a while.I was supposed to be going home,but I didn't voice it out.If staying for a little while longer was the least I could to to ease the pain a bit,it was my responsibility to never say no.

I still do not know how long we sat in silence.I was a little surprised to see the stars the moment you got up and took my hand in yours.

Reluctantly,I stood up,dusting my pink summer dress before  I turned and saw the shadow of what used to be your sweetest smile.I should know--it was one of my favorite things in the world.

You touched the crest of my choker,beaming as I sheepishly blushed.I once told you that whenever I'm wearing it,good things happen.

You pulled something out of your side pocket.The night was clear enough for me to recognize what it was.An orange ribbon-the one you pulled out of my hair when I stole your favorite cap a year ago.Only now,it was adorned with beautiful little flowers from your Mom's garden.They were the ones I used to pick when she wasn't looking--orchids and baby's breaths.

Delicately,you tied it on what I used to call "something close to a ribbon knot" on my wrist.I stifled my laughter as you tried hard to tie it--we both know how you really couldn't make a ribbon.It was not one of your talents.

You put my hands around your shoulders.You kept yours protectively on my waist.To the sound of the humming crickets and the birds weaving a lullaby,with you in your faded bermuda shorts,while I was on my bare feet,with the breezy night as our only witness,slowly,under the stars,we danced.

That was when I realized it:
Whenever you want to,without intending to do so,you could always make me forget how badly I want to forget you.

I kept my gaze away from your eyes,it was getting way dramatic than originally planned.

To my utter amazement,you pulled me in an embrace suddenly,and I didn't have the heart to pull away.All that mattered to me was that you felt better.All things other than that simply hold no interest for me.

Without meaning for them to,tears streaked down my cheeks.You were crying secretly,and it broke my heart when you hugged me even tighter.It was like you wouldn't ever let go.

"I love you,you know that..."

I nodded,even though it was not really a question that needed an answer.

"I know this would be so hard.This would hurt...And there would come a day when I would wish I just died..."

You hesitated,and I began sobbing.My tears pooled a darker spot on your shirt.I've held them back for as long as I could remember.I knew where it was leading to,but I waited for you to continue.

"I'm letting you go..." You whispered.I felt your lips tremble against my ear,followed by your sudden outburst of emotions.I saw you cry once,twice,maybe three times...But not with that intensity.Not with that resigned and pained expression on your face that made me want to blame myself for not feeling the same.

I pulled away so that I could look at you.Smiling,but still crying and torn apart,I spoke.

"Thank you..." I was still shaking with tears so I covered my face with my hands. "Thank you..."

The long drive home was silent.You kept your eyes on the road while I watched the lights flicker by and blur as we drove past them.

I mumbled my last goodbye as I stepped out of your car.For the last time,too,you held the door open for me.I stood by the road as you sped away from me.I don't know if you noticed but I waved goodbye to you,to your car...It was the last time I'd ever be there.

Part of me is grateful and relieved that you finally found the courage to move on and start looking for the love that you truly deserve to have.

Part of me is thinking of what might have been if things turned out differently...if I happened to feel like you do...We would have been happy.

There's a lump in my throat,I still couldn't speak.We used to be inseparable.

Part of me is in grief,mourning at the thought that I have just lost you.

I Can't Find The Words To Say Goodbye

Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past.Knowing that my heart will break, but at least the pain will last...

How do you describe pain?Pain...I grew fond of blurting out the word whenever I'm in actual pain.Because nothing could ever define pain if not pain itself.

It's that undesirable feeling you have when you see him with the wrong one,knowing you're the right one.It's the fang of twisted emotions that feels like a thousand shattered pieces of broken glass are being injected into your chest.It's the destruction.It's the hopelessness.It's defeat.

It's hard for me to put pain into words now.If I am a good blogger then I should be able to write something that could make you feel pain,as if it is emanating from this entry.But what I'm feeling now is not pain.It's longing...It's regret.It's wishing for a second chance to bring the things back to how they were when it was all so simple.Now,I can't even look at myself without disdain.Cause I have hurt him.Again.

It has been two years since our friendship walked the long and winding road.You see---there are some things that are meant to be good and feel great,but you should know your limits.It's like riding a bus...It's fun,seeing the countryside,but you should know that at some point,you'd get off at a station,cause that is all you could afford.

What am I talking about? Friendship.Love.Pain.Someone wanted more than the other could give...And so it dwindled,while all I could do was sit back and watch.

Seriously...If you were in my place,would you have done otherwise?Would you have chosen to lie and say you felt the same way,or would you have gone straight out and tell it to his face that you just didn't like him?I didn't do either...And that made it worse.

Apparently,when you are given two choices,you have no choice but to choose.Even if it would end up hurting you,or whoever it is involved.Even if it meant suicide.Because choosing not to choose is not one of the options.I was so wrong.It killed me.It killed him.Because it put an end to the great friendship that used to be ours.

I hope he'd understand that I am hurting too.Had I chosen to lie to him and pretend...That would be like hell.I could have acted good enough to convince him that all was well,but how would my conscience be able to handle all the guilt if I did?All I wanted was friendship.That's all I could give him...


Had I chosen to say I didn't feel the same...What would become of me?I used to feel like I could never live without him,and if I told him that I could never be what he wanted me to be,he would have walked out of my life right there,right then.And I could never live with that.

I was selfish enough to keep him waiting for so long.Two years--I had been in a relationship with someone else,and he and I remained friends,all the while he was hoping that someday it would be the right time for us.I was selfish enough to unintentionally lead him on.I was selfish enough to never see his heart breaking everytime I tell him how happy I was.I was selfish.He'd had enough.

Recently,we talked.He asked me how long would he still have to wait,and I was shocked.I didn't know he was waiting all along.It was only then that I realized how he must have taken my actions seriously--like how he would close his eyes everytime I leaned my head on his chest,how he would unconsciously stare at my hand when I casually put it on his knee.Those things didn't mean anything to me in a romantic way.I now realize,to him,they did.

That's why I feel bad.All these times,he'd been keeping his hopes up,and I had no intentions of being someone to him other than a friend.In my own desperate way of striving hard to keep him in my life,I've ruined him.Because I didn't want to hurt him,I've hurt him.

I could have been a better person,if not a better friend.I wanted to shield him from his own pain.Turns out,I was causing that pain.I wish there's somehow a way to turn all this around.I wish I could take away all the things that make him die inside.

If only it could be done,I'd do it for sure... :(

Butterfly Kisses...

I miss my father again. Who would go on stage with me on my graduation day? Who would walk me to the aisle on the most important day of my life? :(

I don't think I could ever get used to this loneliness and pain....

Betrayed by Yesterday

It's funny how we think someone's perfect when we're in love.We see past the flaws,we try hard to believe every single lie.And when it's over,that's when we'll find ourselves asking "Why did I ever love him?".

I guess what they say about love being blind is true.

There was this one time when I was so in love with this person (who,after reading this,will probably assume that I wrote about him;he is that self centered) that I did not even notice how I was losing myself piece by piece in the process.The thing is,when you are (I am) in love,you put yourself last in your line of priorities.It's always the other person's feelings and views and needs that matter first.What you don't know is that while you were busy trying hard to be what he wanted you to be,the real you was falling slowly apart.

We will never realize how blinded love has made us until it is actually over.It's like a mural.You will only see the bigger picture once you take a step back as if you are actually watching it from a distance.Only then will you see what was really happening while you were unaware,poking your head in the love clouds.

As for me,I feel like yesterday betrayed me.I know though,that it really wasn't the past's fault,but it was that girl who used to be me's fault.That was my yesterday.I hate it that she let herself be changed,therefore here I am now,feeling bad for my naivety.

I would never regret falling in love...But I would always feel bad for falling in love with the wrong person,at the wrong time.

I'm Alive!

Good Morning :)

I woke up this morning with a terrible pain on the left side of my stomach. I've always been feeling that--but this morning it was different. I felt paralyzed, because everytime I move, it hurts.For the first time, it scared me.

I'm scared of death, I mean, everybody is, of course, but I've never felt like this my whole life. I felt so close to death (well, maybe it is an overstatement, but still..), I was thinking, what if I die here alone?

So while I was dramatically waiting for my last breath, I was thinking: have I done everything I want to do?Have I lived my life to the fullest?Who will cry when I'm gone?Things like these...they matter to me.

I eventually fell asleep and woke up after two hours,feeling well again,but cautious.Ridiculous,but yes,I checked if I was still alive,which I clearly am.What I did first was thank God for no letting me die alone and helpless here, and then, I made a list of the things to do before I die. Here it is:

1. Go to Paris
2. Meet Ashley Greene/Jackson Rathbone
3. Marry, and have kids
4. Have my dream house built
5. Go to Sanrio Puroland!!
6. Shop till I drop.

That's all I could think f for now. I will be updating this list as soon as I can. ;) Today, I've learned not to take even the smallest things for granted.You never know when they will be gone...

Rewind

There will always be that one day,that one single moment,when you wish you could go back to the past and change something...There'd be times we wish we could pick up the remote control and press rewind,and that it would actually bring back those days we've lost.

Honestly, letting go is not my thing.I guess I've made myself clear enough in my past posts that I'm not that good in forgetting the past,especially the times that meant the most to me.

When you lose someone that you truly cared for,it leaves an aching wound in your heart.It will take days,weeks,months before it would heal,but there will always be that scar.It will never be the same,and it will hurt,time and time again.

I've experienced this pain quite a lot of times.I've been in and out of relationships,good and bad.They burned me,that much I could say.I was like a candle back then,and everytime I let go,everytime I cried,I gave a piece of myself away,until one day,I was a total wreckage.I did not recognize who I was when I looked into myself.

What I've learned from these past experiences is that life is like playing the piano.You wouldn't always get the right notes,but you should try,until you play the perfect melody,and always play from the heart.As for my life back then,perhaps I wanted to play a perfect piece,that's why I kept using the same notes.I refused to accept that the keys I used did not fit to a perfect harmony,so I ended up playing an ugly tune.

How I wish I could go back to those days I was naive,and tell myself that I was worth so much more than being a guy's pastime,crying shoulder,trophy girlfriend.

I wish I could go back to those days I was head over heels in love with that someone who was more than a friend but less than a lover,and warn myself that it will all be over sooner than I expected.


I wish I could go back to those days I was blind,and tell myself that I deserved to be trusted,and I had the right to fly,before he could ever set my wings on fire.



I wish I could go back to those days I was strong willed,and point the lack of assurances to myself,I could have saved that girl that was me from a lot of unnecessary pain.

On the other hand,if a fairy godmother appears and hands me that remote control to life,I would never press pause to freeze myself into a magical moment forever,for I want to know how to truly live and make each moment,even the most awkward one,magical.

I would never press fast forward to go see the future,for I want to see each coming day as a gift that I am about to open.A little surprise is always nice.

I would never press rewind to go back and change anything in my past,for surely,those things that happened,good or bad,were the reasons why I became who I am right now.

Instead, I would press the record button...so that I could store all the scenes in my memory, and one day, when I am old and wise,i could press play,and see my life flash before me.All the mistakes I made,all the laughter and tears,all the friends I had,my winning and losing moments,my kick-ass decisions and indecision, my silly games--they will all be laid before my very own eyes...

When that day comes,I know I would nod,smile to myself and whisper as I close my eyes, it was all worth it...

Dreaming Old Dreams,Wishing Old Wishes

I've always known fear.Since I was a child,I've had them.

I used to be scared of dogs,snakes,strangers.Now I've learned that there are so much more scarier things than those that could physically hurt me.

I'm scared of change.There are always those perfect moments that I luckily become a part of. There are always those times when I would wish the world would just stop and freeze because I love the feeling I am currently feeling, and I am scared that it would one day end. Because life will go on, and the moment would have to move on, eventually. Not even the prettiest photograph could capture the butterflies in my stomach.I am afraid that things might change after that.It will never be the same,but I have realized that if I hold on to just one moment forever,then it would be like I'm stopping myself from experiencing another perfect moment to happen.Change is the only permanent thing in this world,and I am scared,but I wouldn't let it get in the way of having the chance to experience as many fairy tale scenes as I could.

I am scared of losing.Not literally losing a game,or a bet,but losing the people I love,the things that have the most significant importance in my life,or a vital piece of myself that would defy my purpose in living my life the way I do.Sometimes,losing and change are strangely intertwined.When we lose something or someone,our lives will drastically change.We might not notice it,but that's the way it goes.I've always felt alone,I do,but that is just self inflicted loneliness.A deeper part of me knows that I really am not.I always have someone to turn to--I just don't because I like solitude.But knowing that someone's gone for good is different.It's the most painful part of saying goodbye: the knowledge that you have taken something or someone special for granted.In competitions,competitors almost always mutter "I could have done better".That's how it goes,too,in real life.The regrets that I could have done better makes it hard for me to let go of the past.

My fears are the strongest chains that bind me with this tree of permanence. I could be running,chasing pavements,flying with fireflies,contradicting time.But because I want nothing to change,because I want it all sure and planned,here I am,dreaming old dreams,wishing old wishes.The universe unfolds like it should,while I figure out how to push the demons down.

Sweet Nostalgia

The course of true love doesn't ever run smoothly.It's like a roller coaster ride;it gives you the thrill,it makes you scared,but when it's over,you'll find yourself rooting for more.

What we had is even harder to forget.More than a roller coaster ride,it was...something.There's no name for it.There had never been us,but it was definitely something.

But time has its way of ruining even the most intricate and detailed love stories.Even Romeo and Juliet didn't have a happy ending.Who are we to wish for one?

Being with you was as easy as breathing.It was comfortable.It was like a lazy and rainy Sunday afternoon,curling up with a good book,and I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be than there.It was bliss.But it was never meant to be.

You know what I loved about us?The way we knew each other so well.Do you remember that day when I started walking away from you,and you tried so hard to stay mad but still ended up running after me?The things like that are what I miss the most.You made me feel loved and important.I don't know now how I could start from scratch...It's harder than starting over with nothing at all.

We were inseparable.Pencil and eraser,pedal and wheels,that was what they used to say.We'd never function very well without each other.I still have no idea why or how we've drifted apart.Maybe it was me,or maybe it was you.But I am pretty sure it was us.It was the lack of effort to make it work.We both were aware of our feelings...but we kept denying them.

Now,where are we?Here I am,pretending to be happy without you,while there you are,painting the town red,acting as if you're not affected.

There's just one thing that I've learned.Loving someone isn't always about fairytales and fantasies. It's about truth, and realities...And there's one question I've been meaning to ask...

We were almost there...What happened to us?

The Detour

Sometimes,no matter how much faith we have,we lose people.But you never forget them.And sometimes,it's those memories that give us the faith to go on.

Saying goodbye has never been one of my favorite things.I hate it.I hate it with passion,just as much as nearly all people do.Why do I have to meet people,if in the end they'd all be gone too soon?

Some will enlighten me by saying,maybe their purpose in my life was over.Maybe they've done their parts.What if their purpose was to make me happy?And their leaving would cut me to pieces?Isn't that a little ironic,cause instead of fulfilling their purpose to make me happy,they're causing my sadness and pain?

They say that goodbye is only truly painful if you know you're never going to say hello again.That's the whole point of the word.We're never going to say hello again,cause if we are,we should have instead used farewell.

I want to understand why people were born,raised to be somebody,make people love them,and then eventually,die.Why do we have to say goodbye when everything will never be the same if we do?

I've always been positive about these things.I used to just cut the strings and shrug,but this is different.I've found a place for myself.I am happy in that place but I felt the need to go.I don't know now how much longer I can live.

It's the fear of letting go.It's the fear of waking up each morning,feeling alone.It's the fear of meaning nothing to them.It's knowing I've cried a million and five times,and yet they have never felt a bit of my pain.It's not fair.It's not fair...

The Regrets of an Ungrateful Child

Our journey always begins at birth. Your first cry, the first word you learn to speak, the first time you spelled your name, the first step you take---these were the easiest tasks.As we go on with life, these tasks become heavier, harder, and sometimes, they seem impossible to overcome, and you'd feel like giving up.

It is not always rainbows and butterflies, we all know that by now. When you were a kid, you had skinned knees and ant bites, slight fevers and constipation, and your Mama and Daddy always had a solution. A bribe, and some loving words to keep you calm, and they always succeeded.

As you grow up, you realize that fairy tales aren't real, and you'd learn the hard way at times. There would come a point in your life when you will feel like you know what's best for you better than your parents do, and you'll prove yourself wrong,always almost too late.

They would tell you that you're not old enough to handle a relationship, but you wouldn't listen, because you tell yourself they don't know how you feel. You'd experience your first heartbreak, it will hurt like hell,but you could not tell them, because you disobeyed their words.You will nurture your own broken heart alone,wishing all the time that you listened to them.

You'll learn to let go and move on,quite proud that you managed to fix yourself without anyone's help. You will make new friends,bring them home,but you will not introduce them properly to Daddy who passes by as you watch a movie,throwing you a hopeful glance,wishing you'd proudly introduce him to your friends.You will not introduce them to Mama,who anxiously moves around the kitchen to make you snacks,and when she brings it to the living room,she will see your friends' feet propped on her white silk couch,with their shoes on...But she wouldn't say a word.

After your friends' visit, Daddy will call you to his study, where he and Mama will be waiting for you to tell you that your friends are up to no good.But because you had a really nice time with them,you wouldn't listen.You'd think they were only saying this because your friends messed the house up.

You'd continue hanging out with the wrong crowd because they accept you for who you are.All these times, Daddy will never stop reminding you that you are worth so much more, and Mama will always tell you how much you mean to her, and you will pull away from her hug, because you are now too big for them,and that it embarrasses you,especially in front of your friends.Mama will be hurt,but she'll never let you see her cry.You'll go on with your own life and just go home to eat and sleep.If only there's a way you could move out,you definitely would.

You will still go to school, cutting classes occasionally because your friends asked you to.You'd lie to your parents just so you could attend the coolest kid's house party,making an excuse about a school project that you have to finish. Daddy will have an idea about what's really going on, but Mama will ask him to let you off the hook every once in a while,because you deserve to have some fun.

Your occasional house parties will drastically be held more often,until it becomes as often as everyday.You will chew candies before going home so that Daddy wouldn't smell the alcohol in your breath.Mama will always remind you to do good for your future,you will always nod just so she could shut up already.You'd have enough of those talks.

As years pass by,you grow more and more irresponsible and selfish, until one day,the world you knew will be so different from the world you live in.You now have a child with no father (or you're the father,the child is with her mother), or married at a very young age. You will walk down the aisle between Mama who would not be able to stop her tears, and Daddy,who will be weak and bald because of years of work just so he could give you a bright future.You will live in a little house with your new spouse and your mother in law,who will serve as your alarm clock every waking day of your life--she will never fail to remind you how you ruined her child's life,even though you would honestly think it's the other way around.

You'd spend most of your days working your butt off to pay for house rent and buy your own child's necessities, all the while, your relationship with your spouse falls badly apart. You will live in hunger, hatred, and regrets, and it will all boil down until one day. you'd find yourselves bursting with frustration because the relationship isn't working anymore. You'd go on your separate ways.If you're a girl,you'd take the baby with you.If you're a boy,you'd go back alone to Mama and Daddy, and your ex wife will be giving you limited amounts of time to see your child.

You'd sleep in your own room,but the house will never be the same anymore. May nights, you'd lie awake in your bed, wondering what might have happened if you listened to Mama and Daddy.You would cry yourself to sleep,feeling useless and worthless,because of all your mistakes in the past.

Daddy will not talk to you for sometime,while Mama will give you some much needed hugs for comfort.After a while of healing and grief,Daddy will speak to you again, his grandchild in his lap.Mama will talk you into going back to school, and you would agree. Your child will grow up with Daddy and Mama, and if you're unlucky enough,she or he will treat you like a brother or sister,because while you are away,Mama and Daddy will come to love her/him like their own,therefore they'll treat her like she's their child.

You will graduate,you will be successful,and back on the right track, but you will never be happy. Your child did not grow up with you, so you will never be that close. You'll feel your heart breaking everytime he/she runs to Mama or Daddy for comfort, not you. You'd wish you made a different choice.

Time will pass,and you'll all grow old. Mama and Daddy will probably be six feet under now, and you're living your life with your child, and perhaps, a new spouse. As you watch your child grow up,it will be like you're watching your little self through your parent's eyes. You will realize how right they always were, and you'll try and raise your child like they tried to raise you. Your child will resist, just like you used to do. You sit back and watch as he/she ruins his/her life step by step, and there will be nothing you could do, but wish to be able to turn back time and do it all over again,only this time,you will listen to them.