This Is The Part Where I Break Down And Cry

Where do I begin? I guess I want to say I'm tired of the drama.It seems like a puppy,following me everywhere.


Although I must admit,I never assumed we'd come to this point where there's no turning back,or so it seems. You were my best friend. I was ready to give up anything to stand up for you. I tried my best to be there for you, to help you get through the rough days when your heart was bleeding in fire.I just wanted you to be there.To stay,to keep me company sometimes.But the moment you found happiness, you disappeared from my sight,quicker than lightning, and before I knew it, everything else was different.

I loved her like a sister. Mainia and I-we used to be inseparable, but things change,and people do,too. Before she met this guy C, she was in a personal crisis and  I was always there for her. No, I'm not saying this to count the good things we've done for each other and compare. I'm just trying to paint with words how close we used to be. She was heartbroken,and so was I,so we clicked. We made each other laugh and cry.Then one day, she was gone.She slipped away like I didn't matter at all.

My point is, just because people meet new people,does that mean they have to throw someone away to give space to the new ones? Cause that was how I felt when I realized what was happening. I don't care,call me sensitive,immature,whatever you wish to call me.I felt like she kicked me in the curb just because she now has her "personal bumble bee", and then when he hurt her,she turned to me and said, "blame C, blame C."

That was what got me annoyed. I'm not like some toy that you get to play with again the moment your new one loses its luster.I have feelings,and they're pretty delicate. I give my all when it comes to three things: family, love, and friendship, but that doesn't mean I don't runaway when I see pain.I'm no saint, I'm only human. I want you to be happy, but surely, you can be happy without hurting me.

This whole thing makes me sad. I told her last night the reason why I'm so distant, but I was misinterpreted before I can fully explain. It's not about you coming back to Twitter role play.I don't even go there anymore. It's you coming back to my life.I want my best friend back but it's not that easy. I don't want to ever feel worthless again.

I was trying to bring it all back to the way it was,but healing takes time.I never forgot you. Stop acting like I was the one who ended this friendship.

I was there the whole time. Where have you been?

It's Not Much,But We Can Make A Life Out Of It.

 

 Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Faced myself in the mirror early today. I've been spending some time holding my head between my knees,trying to shut everything out. I miss my friends. I miss going on vacations with my family,no matter how short the times I got to spend with them were. Today was my grandmother's birthday,and reality hit me square in the face.She's getting older,weaker,and each minute I spend with her should be priceless. I watched her every move.The way she took a piece of my fish for luch,the way she sipped Coke from my glass. I'm scared cause I don't know how much more time I have to see her like this. I'm scared...

My phone is filled with notes I type late at night when 'm up,trying to drown my thoughts with music. What would become of me? I don't know,but I know what and who I am and who I want to be right now.

I'm young,and I know I shouldn't be scared. Hell, I know what kind of music I want to listen to,and I will blast it out whenever I want,wherever I want. I'm entitled to make as many mistakes as everybody else, wear whatever suits my fancy, say my thoughts aloud.I can dance in the middle of the street and NOT care what strangers say. I can skip school whenever I wish to just because I can. I can say "Fuck Mondays" and I will never wait for Friday,it will come to me. 

I'm young,and I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could admit to my mistakes and just shrug it all off in the end. I get mad at my friends for doing stupid things WITHOUT me. I hate it that time passes by so quickly,that we barely have time to breathe and watch the world around us because we're all so occupied with our own needs.

I'm young, and I'm scared. I'm scared of not being who I want to be. I'm scared of not blending in with the crowd, when all I really want is to stand out. I'm scared of growing old alone,and I can't wait to fall in love again. I'm scared that Christmas will be lonely just because I have no one special to share it with,and seeing happy couples make me jealous,but I say they make me sad,because I can't admit to jealousy. I'm scared that one day,the world will look at me through my very own eyes and see that I really am no one special at all, just a piece of twig wrapped in pretty ribbons. I'm scared that the future isn't as secure as it once seemed. I'm scared that I might find him.My dork with the black framed glasses, dark, messy waves, suspenders and intelligence.

I'm scared that I'm wanting all the right things at the wrong time. 

I'm scared, cause I know this life is mine, but I might never be able to actually own it.

My Happy Ending ♥

I know that nobody's perfect,but this won't stop me from hoping that someday,someone who's perfect for me will come.He will be simple, loving, and a gentleman. He will have a great sense of humor and a tender heart that cares for others, and he will not,by any means, tell a lie just to impress me. Every time I'm with him, I will feel safe and fuzzy inside. We will be good together, and good for each other.

Someday,I will fall in love with the right person,at the right time,and for all the right reasons.And when that happens, I will not get so caught up in him that I will forget all the little things I love about myself, like my long,curly hair, the way I love laughing at the silliest things, and how I love spending some time alone. He will help me achieve my little goals every day (like doing something good for another person's benefit at least once a day, and be able to express myself through the smallest things), and support me in pursuing my grandest,craziest dream: to be a published author of a free style memoir.

I may not run into the person I deserve anytime soon,but that's okay. I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not in a hurry. I know the Prince Charming kind of guy is out there,and he is also looking for me.And when we do find each other,it will be real and wonderful and magical and just unbelievable. And I will know for sure that the long wait-and maybe even the heartbreaks that came with it-was totally worth it.♥
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Hello,My Name Is Meh.

I started the day feeling really good. I had a wonderful evening and a nice and funny dream that I actually remembered when I woke up,only to have everything ruined by my aunt.

Don't get me wrong. I love both my aunts.They spoil me,they give me mostly everything I want,but they can be really mean at times. Like today.

I cleaned my bedroom at home and my grandma helped me,together with my sister. We carried everything out to have them sorted,and I decided that I wanted to move the bed frame out permamnently and just sleep on my matress on the floor.As a compromise,my grandma insisted that I use an extra matress,so that I'd be more comfortable.I agreed just to get it all over with. I then arranged my things and furniture inside the room,and now I'm so amn tired and my muscles are sore.

My aunt peeked in on me while I was arranging my books. She saw the two matresses on the floor and demanded that I give the soft one back,and said that she was just gonna use it for herself. Avoiding an argument,I pulled the mattress away while she went on with her business. When I was carryng the matress,which was not very light,by the way,on my way out of my bedroom,she stopped me and said I could keep it. In my very calm and collected voice, I told her that she was annoying, dumped the fucking mattress on the living room floor, and went back inside my room. I never talked to her again.

You see,I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I wanted to avoid an argument,for God's sake,that's why I pulled the mattress away from my room as soon as she instructed me too,even if that meant I had to rearrange all my stuff because they were all on the way of that mattress. My point is,I don't know if she was taking pleasure in getting me annoyed,or if she was just being plain selfish. It's not like I stole the thing anyway! It was my grandma who insisted on it!

I know,I know.I'm making such a big fuss out of it but I'm just really pissed right now.She does that to me all the time but when they're the ones who touch and take my things,they think it's no big fucking deal. I just had to write it all down here. I think it's better than taking it all out on her.

And I Know...This Love Grows.

Today has been really good. Really,really good. I went to the movies and saw Till My Heartaches end,which,by the way,I was supposed to see with my sister but she went to school,so meh. I also went grocery shopping and I LOVED it.Believe me,I'm the only one I know who loves buying groceries.

I've never felt prettier than I did (and still do0 today. I don't even know exactly why,I just feel so happy,so contented. I'm in my room now,I've just finished watching Message In A Bottle.It made me cry buckets of tears! It's such a good movie,I almost made it my favorite Nicholas Sparks work,but I think nothing can replace Dear John...yet.

Anyways,so I haven't been blogging lately,eh? I'm not so busy anymore,I admit.I'm just too lazy.HA.I only open my RP Twitter account.I don't even go on Facebook that much anymore.

I'm at some point in my life wherein I don't really know what I want to do or happen. I still remember C,and I always will,but I've moved on.I'm not the suicidal-take-me-with-you kind of girl anymore. I've let go of the thin string that tied him to me so that he'll be at peace,now.

Honestly,though. It's almost Christmas and I can't help but feel so alone at times. I mean sure,I have my family and friends...But I love sharing Christmas with someone special. I want to have a reason to wake up at 3 AM for nine days to complete the midnight mass so I could have my wish.I want to be happy again.I can't wait to fall in love.

I have a little crush on someone now but I don't know if he likes me back.That's quite impossible,I think.Haha. Who am I to even be worthy of five minutes of his time? Tsk tsk. Whataver though. I'm still pretty. Haha!

I've just heard that my *former* best friend and her boyfriend broke up. It doesn't really surprise me,I mean how many times did this happen?One too many. I know I shouldn't even be talking about it anymore,but you see, M, two people might be speaking to each other,but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're having a talk. One might be hearing what the other says,but that doesn't necessarily mean she's listening. Think about it and you'll see where things always go wrong. I just care a lot for the both of you,that's why I'm still hanging on even if you're trying so damn hard to cut me off.

Anyway,enough of that. I'm gonna be bold and honest here and say I miss K. It's just not the same without him,you know?

I only have five days left till school begins again.I'm not even enrolled yet.I just want to get it all over with! I'm so tired of studying and I can't wait to grow old and see how my life unfolds. It's a bit scary,but it all comes soon enough.

The Sun Will Be Burning,Eventually You Will Be Gone.

Errr, I got this title from Ching's Tumblr post. I woke up yesterday feeling very miserable for reasons unknown. I usually have days like that when I just want to be alone,think about my future,my mistakes,the things that worry and bother me.

I don't know exactly what hurts.All I know is I keep trying and trying to forget about the past. But is it really that easy? Is it really that easy to forget about something and want to go back to it at the same time? I think I'm crazy.

Anyway,I'm happy cause Yasmina seems happy nowadays. That's all I could ask for-I just want the people I love and care about to keep smiling like everything is perfect when in fact,nothing is.They say life is too short to dwell on your grievances,but no one can really help it,you know? I like being like this. I like feeling the pain. It makes me believe that something is real,and that's e=very important to me right now cause honestly,I feel like everything is a lie.

Even myself.

I feel like I'm a big talking ball of lies,and I wish I could explain why,but there'd be no words for me to use. I'm just tired and I want to hear nothing but the awful,ugly, breath-taking-in-a-bad-way truth.

I've been taking three hour bus rides to Pampanga these past few days just for the heck of it,and no one knows. That makes me waste six hours of precious time, and like a fool, I keep hoping that maybe a minute in that long stretch of time might bring your smile back to my memory,where it slowly starts to fade. It's hard. I miss you.

I keep listening to those sad songs to force the tears out of my eyes,because they are cold and unmoving,and my heart is frozen. I just want to run away,far,far away from here. I feel so miserable and happy at the same time. I want to be here,and I want to be anywhere but here,too.

I wish he was here to save me from myself.

My Heart Is So Broken,Rejecting Your Love.

I'm not supposed to be acting this weird. I just went home,kicked my shoes off, collapsed on the couch and slept with my school uniform on. I feel so blank. I want to be someone else, somewhere else.

I saw a girl walking home,towing her huge school bag behind. Scattered paths of sunlight blinded me for a while, and then it hit me.I don't know what I'm living for right now. It feels like the past few weeks are just a blur,like I'm some kind of a stray leaf being blown away by the wind. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere new.

I need an escape and I don't even know what I'm running away from. I just feel so completely lonely. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. I want to be able to skip away and giggle and just be pure again. I want to have my bright eyes back,the eyes of a child that only saw wonders and beauty. Right now, pain is all around me. When I was little, I saw the stormy days as break days from school, not a threat for my fellows' lives. I wish I could be that innocent again. I wish I could...just...fly. Away from this horrible world.

I walked the concrete pavement,listening to the sound of my heels kissing its muddy surface, listening to the vehicles roaming about,listening to my neighbors gossip about the latest who's who, listening to the buzzing of the bees,the swaying of the trees.All of them were doing something.What was I doing?What am I doing?Why am I still here?

My mind is ridiculously messed up right now but I'm trying to erase it all with a smile.Why can't people see how hard you're trying to be good enough for them? It's all beyond my understanding. I just want to take each person who feels as terrible as I do now and pull them in for a hug. I miss everything. I miss my friends. I miss the sound of our laughter and the way we would sing a song on the bus for hours on end. I just want to feel like I'm not as useless as I think I am...

With Every Breath I Take,I'm Calling Your Name

Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny.

I'm in that incredible mood tonight wherein all I want to do is stay in bed and watch some sappy old movies for the umpteenth time,and cry. Cry for the tragedies, cry for the happy endings. I'm that type of girl.

I've been busy dealing with life these past few days,and even I myself can't say exactly how I truly feel. I'm confused. It's October, today is Ham's birthday, and I just sent her a greeting through text. I was meaning to ask her to maybe have lunch with me or something, but she was busy with exams.

On my way home I bumped to Shiela,one of my high school classmates. In the old times, maybe a year or two ago,we would be chatting endlessly and it would be hard to bid farewell. This afternoon, we barely spoke to each other. It still surprises me sometimes when things change so abruptly. I guess I'll never be ready for change.

Anyway, I'm not feeling very well so I plan to stay home and make myself some nice tasting soup, anything to warm my rambling stomach, and just lay in bed watching old movies. I pretty much deserve that-a break. My throat is itchy,my nose is runny, and I can't even breathe properly. What a nice state to be in on a Friday night.

I don't like the heat at all. It's October,for God's sake. My skin is aching for the cool Christmas breeze.Sure,there's the Christmas breeze but it's not cool at all. It's very warm. The air,however,smells of dried rice stalks. It's making me nostalgic at times. How I miss running through the fields or just hanging out with my uncles there. One day, it will happen again.

I'm not really excited for anything right now. I'm in that time in my life when I just want to find love in a certain form. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all of, in the hopes that one day I'll wake up to my fairy tale. But life doesn't work that way,so I'll just wait and enjoy my alone time. Everyone's life sucks...it just depends on how a person deals with it.

 Nowadays,I see a lot of people moaning about how their lives are so hard to live,how they just want to end it all. I was like that a few months ago. Now,I realize how selfish it sounds. Why do people like hurting so much? Why do we keep complaining about the things we don't have,when we have something and others don't even have anything? Why,just like I'm doing now, do we point out how some people are so dramatic,how we don't like drama,when clearly,we all are drama queens and kings somehow? You know... I just learned to shield myself away from all the horrible things in this world. If I can't heal it,no way in hell will I let myself be infected. That will be the last help I can offer.

Nothing can hurt me unless I permit it.

Can You Feel Me Burning?

I don't know if one can cry illegitimately,but let me say it now: I'm legitimately crying.

I spent this morning worrying about Mainia. I was tweeting with her and she was like giving me the cold shoulder so I was sat here wondering what I did wrong,thinking back on the previous days and nights. I couldn't remember anything I've said that might have offended her so I decided to just ask her straight out if she was mad.

She was not,she said. She was just annoyed at me because it seemed to her like I have changed,and that we were losing each other.

My tears fell faster than bullets as soon as I read that,and I must admit it here that I have changed. In my RP account I became careless and carefree, but I never told anyone why.

The truth is,I was so busy being there for my friends and no one even bothered asking if I was okay. I was not. I still am not. And if anyone dared ask, I said I was fine and they believed me. Sometimes I just want to feel as loved as I make others feel.

Right now,I feel so alone. I'm losing everything I have,they're all slipping right out of my hold and I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute now because of all the pain and the worries I have been keeping inside. When I help someone pick up the pieces of their broken hearts at night,I wonder if they even realize that I am crying at that momet because I have to deal with my own pain too,together with theirs,alone. I wonder if they even care.

I'm hurting so much.I have been hurting for the past two weeks and no one knows because I decided to grow up for once and stop bothering people with my drama. I may have seemed distant but I was not. I never was. I was just trying to figure out how I would make it through another day without breaking down in front of anyone. I was thinking of a way to be there for everyone without forgetting myself. I was trying to stick to my promise that was to just make one stranger smile every day so that I could feel better about myself. I was busy trying to give myself a reason to believe that I was worth this life I am living right now.

In my RP account,I go on flirting and stuff with the other RPers,and truth be told,they make me laugh and smile. I figured it was a nice world there.A world full of pretenses.A world where I can do whatever i fancy,say what's on my mind and not get judged for my actions. It is a free world, and I enjoyed its perks for a while.

But now,seeing that it might cost me my best friend's companionship, I think I will stop. it's not worth it,you know? It doesn't make her happy and I don't know if it will make me happy knowing someone's unhappy. Some people might hate me,but I think I have to quit. Time to go back to the real world.

Oh,reality. How I despise you sometimes.

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You.

Another timed post from me. I just don't feel like publishing this right now,so bear.

I just hung out with my family yesterday. Hung out doesn't seem to be the right word to use though, when you spent two hours on the mechanic's, waiting for your ride to get fixed, but that was the closest we had to hanging out.

We went to Jollibee after that and bought take home meals. Ate Rachel was working there. I lined up on the counter she served and when it was time to give her my order,I was so giddy I had to stop myself from bursting into fits of laughter. She and I are close (she's my Mom's half sister) and you know, having her tell me "Can I get your order,Ma'am" in a very formal manner was just too much for my little heart to handle, when usually when I am in their house she would always pick on me and call me silly names. Revenge is truly sweet. Heheh.

Anyway, so yeah she took my order and I said two TLC burgers with fries and Coke, one cheeseburger, one spaghetti with fries and coke, and one chocolate Sundae. I was surprised when my take out bags arrived and they had four TLC burgers.. -,- She punched my order wrong, so I paid four instead of two B3 meals. Guess she was giddy too. Ha.

Yeyey was with me all day. She has changed a lot in the course of three years. Gosh,I sound like a mother or something but she really has. I remember I just had a talk with my Mom on the phone and she was like "Do you still hang out with Yeyey? Does she still wet the bed and the couch?" LOL. It was strange when I realized it. I have been with the little girl all her life. She doesn't wet the couch or the bed now, but she's growing up spoiled and bossy. She keeps ordering everyone around. Sounds like....me.

My sister has been pestering me about her money. I owe her Php25.00 (half a dollar,haha) which, in my defense, we used to buy a pack of tea powder and ice that we had for lunch. So I did not pay her yet but I will, promise. :P

On the 3oth it's our Patron Saint's festival day. Bah, I will sponsor another baby's Christening and I don't have even just a small amount of money. Maybe my grandmother will take care of that. It's kind of fun here,these days. It's a shame I don't get to scour the shops outside (there are rows of tents of vendors selling EVERYTHING by the roadside on the highway at this time every year). On Thursday there'll be visitors and people I really don't know who will come over our house to eat and such. I'm a little excited.

Hmm what else? Oh,yeah,that song. The title of this post is another song lyric I ripped off Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You". My PSP just randomly blasted it out yesterday and since there was that warm September Christmas season kind of breeze, I felt like it was 2008! Certain songs remind me of certain seasons in certain years. Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", for example, reminds me of 2002's Summer when my Mom came home and it was my father's favorite song. Matchbox 20's "Unwell" reminds me of 2003, like Stephen Speaks' "Out of My League". Trading Yesterday's songs will always remind me of Summer 2010. "Fall For You" was all over the radios back in 2008, and it reminds me of CLSU's Lantern Parade that year that I spent with my ex-boyfriend. We were hanging out with his friends in his car, and that song was playing on the background. I can't remember the feeling anymore,though.