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Friday, March 4, 2011

I Don't Know Where To Go From Here.



Am I crazy for wanting something and NOT wanting it at the same time?

That's exactly where I am right now. It's like eating something you know isn't good for you, and might kill you in the long run, but somehow, you just can't seem to get enough of it.

Sometimes, I wish I can make up my mind and tell myself that was it. That it really won't happen, ever. But one smile....one hello...that's all it takes for me to fall all over again and it's just wrong. It's so wrong, but I can't help myself.

Sometimes, I wish we could choose who we fall for. It's crazy how we all seem to want everything we can't have. There's an easy way, but no one wants to take it. Maybe because life is all about the chase, the challenge, the feeling of holding the very trophy in your hand, waving it in the air, scoffing in front of the world's face, yelling "I won, I won." Maybe because people are naturally stubborn and hard headed, and we just LOVE pain. I don't really know.

I keep telling myself that maybe it will be worth it in the end. I keep hoping that someday this fairytale will come true, but my chances are so small, they can fit comfortably into a needle hole. Still, I never give up. I keep praying and wishing to die and be given a new life as a new person, the very person you want, the very person you need. Every night, I clasp my hands so tight together they hurt, and every morning, I wake up looking forward to the rising of the moon. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic, but I love you.

I want you to know how I can't take my eyes off you, like your favorite song says. I badly want to be beside you right now and feel your lips tremble against my ear as you sing. Tell me, will this all remain a dream? Is this really the best I can do?

You got my head spinning. I don't know where to go from here.

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