"Please wear your seatbelt," the driver said.
She was covering her face with a towel, letting the rough fabric absorb her tears. Behind her, people were exchanging curious stares. She looked at the side view mirror and faked a smile.
Of all the days her iPhone has to fall to the floor and have its earphone slot broken, it chose today. Of course, it chose today. Sarcastically, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, wanting for the day to be over and not end at the same time. Music was the only thing to save her, and music couldn't save her when she most needed saving.
For a while, she threw her head back on her seat. Four years, she whispered. Four years have passed since I first set foot on that school.
A week and a day from now, it would be her graduation day, or it was supposed to be her graduation day. Unfortunately, it would be more appropriate to say it would be her classmates' graduation day. She, like many juvenile nuisances today, was one of those left standing outside, nose pressed on the glass. She wasn't graduating, and she wasn't graduating anytime soon.
Looking back, it never really occurred to her that this would happen. She was one of those girls you could always go to for advice. She laughed really loud, she was shallow, she had everything anyone could ask for, except one: someone who listened without judging.
Her family was a bunch of nice, middle class people. What she wanted, she got...Only at the right time. In that family, saying I love you was an embarrassing thing to do. The last time she was hugged was when her father died, seven years ago. She received awards and medals from school, but no one ever said I'm proud of you. To them, it was just right. It was her obligation to bring them honor, a responsibility.
She tried telling them for days now about her problems in school. But everytime she did, they'd block her with you can't possibly fail, you took all the units necesarry. We gave you all you needed. You joined all the events. How can you possibly fail, right? And each time, she ended the conversation with a nod and a smile, wishing to somehow be able to unload everything from her chest as soon as she could, and get it all over with.
Today, she made up her mind. The car ride home was spent thinking about how she would run away and leave a note, or maybe just kill herself. The thoughts were quick and blurred. She pictured herself stabbing her heart with the knife she always kept hidden in between her CDs. And then, she realized, she was scared of blood. So instead, she wondered if drinking poison or liquid soap would kill her immediately.
She thought about asking her friends to let her stay in their house for a while. She didn't want to be a burden, but it was the last choice she had. She was creating in her mind the words she would scribble on the paper. How she was a failure, how she didn't want to turn out to be such a disappointment, how she wanted another chance so badly, how she wanted to fix everything, and come back home as soon as she was allowed to.
Her heart was aching with so much pain as soon as these thoughts were built on her mind. She has never been away from home for that long. Her family has always been her world, and she couldn't imagine living without them.
But she had to.
She had to runaway because if she didn't, she was afraid one of them will kill her, or she will kill herself voluntarily. She was scared. She was so scared of death that the thought of it makes her skin crawl. She was also afraid of the future, and she didn't know which was worse.
As of now, she just wants to sleep. She wants to get out of her own head. It's dangerous in there.
No comments:
Post a Comment