When I was a freshman in High School, I attended this super exclusive school, where the total number of freshmen was just equal to 88 pupils, the smartest and richest ones. I guess we can say I'm smart. I was a consistent honor student, won numerous awards for Feature Writing and some quiz bees, and bagged the title Best in English every year. It was an award my friends and I always competed for.
In spite of my school being the best high school in the region, I never felt like I belonged there, not even once. My classmates were rich. Their Dads were architects, engineers, masons. Their Moms, teachers. They spent their free periods wondering where to hang out after classes. I walked home alone.
As much as it embarrasses me to admit it, I flunked out of that school that same year. First of all, I was shy and quiet. I never had friends except for two girls in my class, but they, too, were rich and very smart. Secondly, my father died that year, and it only added to my depression, Iguess you could call it that.
I skipped classes and only went to school when I felt like it. I lied to my family, and soon enough, they discovered the mess I made. And then they helped me stand, so stand I did. My grandmother talked to me and asked, what do you realy want to do with your life? Do you want to be like this forever? Can you live like this forever? The next school year, I transferred to a different school. There, I felt safe, because I could blend in with the commoners. I was still bullied, of course. No one can escape that, right? Still, it was better than the previous one.
Fast forward to 2007...
There I was, a seventeen year old, wearing my favorite pink ruffled top on my first day of College. After two classes, all my classmates already have groups they hang out with, while I sat there in the corner, my head bowed down. I never talked unless I was spoken to, ad I never made friends till the first month. It was a nightmare, but I had to deal with it. I didn't feel like I belonged there, either, but I tried. Honestly, if I were to choose, I wanted to go to College in Baguio City, in St. Louis University. But my family wouldn't agree, so I ended up in my school.
Everything went well at first. I was possibly the smartest student in my class, and I lead the scores in tests and quizzes. When we had homework, I'd be the one my classmates would ask about it. But my enthusiasm didn't last for long. Soon enough, I was back to my old lazy self, skipping classes and what not. I dreaded PE, Chemistry, and Math classes, and the hours during those were agonizingly slow. My grades, needless to say, suffered.
But my family didn't know anything about it. I knew right then that I should've told them the truth, but instead, I went on enrolling and flunking my subjects. It went on for years. It's still going on now, and I was supposed to graduate now. I'm not going to graduate this April, and my family doesn't know. They're planning my future now, and I don't know how to tell them that I, their "golden child", am failing my classes. That I'm not as good as they think I am. That I used to hate my Bible classes, so I went to school late so I could skip them. That the reason I didn't invite my friends over for my 18th birthday was because I had no friends to invite, and I was scared they'd find out that I messed up again.
I remember that one time when I was in second year, and I woke up to my aunt crying in the living room. She figured me out, asked me about it, but I denied everything. I said all was fine, my grades were fine, I was fine. She believed me. I wish now that she didn't. I wish now that I rushed to her side and hugged her and told her how sorry I was. I wish I asked for her help. I wish I realized how badly I needed someone to help me.
Now, my mom just called. I overheard her talking to my sister, asking her if I have problems in school, because I promised I'd text her when I found out when my graduation is. The truth? How will I know when the graduation is, when I'm not graduating? And then my sister got irritated and told her to talk to me instead, so she called me.
I was playing on my phone when she called. When I tried to answer, it lagged, and I was in a really bad mood, so without thinking, I screeched. "Tawag kasi ng tawag, ang kulit kulit!" Then I realized that my Mom was already on the line, and she heard me say that. She apologized and said she didn't know I'd be mad.
Maybe I was a bit irritated, because honestly, I think my Mom is bored with life. She calls every freaking day for no reason at all, and she never did that before when she had a boyfriend. Still, I know I'm in the wrong, and I should've been patient. It was my guilt, building up inside me, that made me defensive.
I never had anyone I could talk to about this. I wish I could just pull someone aside and tell them everything. I wish I could tell my grandma without breaking her heart, or my aunt without having her slap me. I know she will slap me once she finds out. She always does that. But they've given me everything I wanted, everything I needed, and everything I asked for. How could they understand what my problem is? I don't even know what my problem is. I'm just a twisted, ungrateful child.
I don't have any idea how to get this out of this mess. Suicide crossed my ind multiple times. It's the easy way out, but I'm too scared to do it. I can't leave them like that. I want to fix everything, finish my studies, then give them the life they've always wanted. Because that's what I am to them...someone who will pay all the debts, drive them around in a fancy car, pay for all the expenses in the house, build a mansion for us to live in. You see, I never had a say in my life. I was never allowed to have a boyfriend, and my sister has a boyfriend, and she is fifteen. Yes, you have the right to say I was shallow and selfish, but that was not the case. In College, I had the freedom I've been deprived of all my life. You see, I never intended for any of this to happen, but it just did. I know I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm taking all the blame...I just need someone to listen.
I need someone to grab me by the arm and talk to me, make me realize what my life is worth because I don't see it now. I want someone to not believe me for once, and see through my lies. I want someone to yell in my face and reprimand me and punish me and fuck, I don't know. I don't know.
I fucked up...I really fucked up and I want to just get it all over with. I want them to know that no, there's nothing they can do to pull me out of the mess I'm in. I ruined my life...And what I need is not someone to tell me what to do again or to do things for me. I just need another chance. I want to be the person I am, not the person people expect me to be. I want to stop wondering if it's too late, or what will happen to my life now. I just want to be alive again.
I'm so,so,so,so sorry for the pain I'll be causing you... :(
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