Would You Know How To Fix Me?

I'm home again. I buckled under pressure and ran away from all my problems, too scared to face my family, the people, the things that haunt me. I left my family a letter that told them everything, from my depression to my being irresponsible, asking for forgiveness and help.

Yes, I ran away from home. Yes, I cried the whole time I was on the bus because I was scared. I was scared of being forgotten, that nobody would look for me, that they'd confirm what I feel-that I'm nothing but a nuisance to our family. Yes, if you'll lift my shirt up, you;ll find cuts on my stomach. Yes, I starve myself to the point of having a very upset stomach because of eating just a piece of bread for days because I feel fat and ugly. I feel like no one will ever love me. Yes, I only have a handful of friends that I can turn to, and most of them are people I met online. Yes, most days, I feel like locking myself up in a dark room and crying till I run out of tears. Yes, I've thought about taking my own life multiple times, and I'm still thinking about it now.

I came home and my grandmother acted as if I was never gone. As if nothing happened. I headed straight to my room and blasted my music, almost tearing the walls down. Do you want to know why I ran away? Picture this. Picture my aunt cracking my bedroom door open, turning the lights on, staring me down. That's exactly what she did just now. She spoke a sentence of blame, stared at me for a long time, turned the lights off, then shut the door closed behind her. It was the most degrading thing I've ever experienced and I know I'd have that look in my mind for the rest of my life.

I just wish I could undo all the things I've done so she'd be happy with me for once. I've had enough of her trying to mold me to perfection or whatever her idea of being perfect is cause I'm not. I'm not perfect. I'm depressed and flawed and lonely and suicidal and they all refuse to see that and I don't know why.

I need help. I so need help but they won't even acknowledge that there's a problem. I'm so tired of life. :(