When Will I Feel The Magic In The Air?

If nothing lasts forever,will you be my nothing?

That's just so corny,I know,I know...But I've been waiting for months now,where is he?Why isn't he here yet...?What's taking him so long to find me?

I sound desperate,don't I?Well,I am desperate.I'm at wit's end.When I broke up with my last boyfriend,I felt free--I would never deny that.It's like I've been suffocated for so long,then finally the strangler let go of my neck,letting me breathe again for the first time.I thought I would be happy,but now that I am free...I guess I might have been wrong.

We always have our regrets,don't we?I don't regret breaking up with him--I still think it's the wisest decision I've ever made.But I was wrong for thinking living without love would be as easy as breathing.You see,I've been in a relationship for two years--that was something really serious,and it got me addicted.Being in love is like a drug,even if it's slowly killing you,you'd get hooked somehow.That's what happened to me.

Now that I'm single (for 6 months,I guess?),I really miss having someone to lean on to when things are bad.I miss having someone to talk to on late nights,abut the most trivial of things that don't make sense at all.For once,I'm seeing how love has brought color to my life.And now that everything is dull and lifeless,I just want to have someone who would be willing to listen to me rant about my frustrations,wipe my tears dry,shush me and assure me that it will all work out fine.I want someone here,beside me,lying on the grass,gazing at the stars,tying our handkerchiefs in knots as we whisper our wishes,watching a meteor shower on the coldest and darkest of nights.

You know what I'm talking about,right?I've always said that life could be so lonely at times,and I do not want to take it for granted,but in times like this,all I really need is love.

Call me a hopeless romantic,I don't care.I just want to have that feeling back.

Those moments when the radio would play "Today Was A Fairytale" and I would instantly have that idiotic grin on my face,while my daydreams take me to wherever he is,also dreaming of me.♥

Best. Day. Ever. So Far ;)

Today,I'm thankful for summer.

I don't know why, I feel like this has been the highlight of my summer this year,so far.I mean,we've gone swimming and traveling these past few weeks but I've never been this happy.So here are the most important events of my day.

Last night,one of our raised hogs gave birth to 14 piglets, 13 of which died. Sad,I know.A piglet costs Php1,800.00 each in the least,I guess.Because of the super hot weather,the mother got weak and she could not get better anymore,so the veterinarian suggested that we just slaughter her so that we could still at least profit from the meat.My grandmother agreed,but she was almost crying.She loves animals,just like I do.

That hog weighed about 300 kilograms.Yes,she was big,really really big.We distributed the meat in the neighborhood,telling them to pay whenever they have the money.Originally,we could have sold the meat for about Php30,000.00, but because it was all so sudden,we can only expect half of the money.We did not profit.

When I woke up this morning,I walked to the refrigerator only to see it brimming with pork meat.Everywhere.My initial reaction was that I needed to throw up.Since I've seen Dread,I had this slight aversion to meat that would not go away.We had pork nilaga for lunch-my favorite,but I did not eat that much,because I really couldn't bear eating an animal that I once saw alive,which,if you are confused,means I don't eat the animals that we raised.I only eat those meat bought from the supermarket.

The time I was dreading for came today,too.If you are following me on Twitter you should know by now how these past few days,I came up with the most creative and imaginary excuses to not go to the bank.I had to,since Monday,because I had to pay my internet bill.I have been very lazy to get out of my room and get dressed and just pay.For so many times,I've said I'm going, but I always ended up stalling. To make it all short,I had the much needed enthusiasm to go today.

 My awesome procrastinating skill always gets in the way when I have to do boring things.

Since Cabanatuan City is an hour away,I decided to pay in BDO Talavera.I had to endure fifteen long minutes of boredom,riding a jeepney that was possibly slower than a turtle,and when I got there...BOOYAH!!!! The bank welcomed me warmly with a sign on the glass door that said: CLOSED. What.The.Hell.Good thing I brought my PSP with me.I blasted on some feel good music and told myself that since I was already dressed,I'd just go to another BDO branch--in Munoz.

Munoz is situated 30 effing minutes away from Talavera.You could even pass by my hometown on the way.So yeah,I arrived in Munoz quite exhausted, and then I realized that the bank is located far from the bus stop..well,too far for my liking.So I walked...for miles and miles...Okay,I just walked two long,dirty,and noisy City Market streets without an umbrella or any magic shield to protect me from the scorching heat of sun,and when I arrived...BOOYAH!!!!The bank was closed too.On the glass door,a note was also taped.It said: Hello Loser,today, April 9, 2010, is a non-working Holiday.We are closed,so go take your lazy bum back home and come back tomorrow,we will be here to save you.Well,to be honest,it only said that today is a holiday...But it sounded so harsh to me,I have no idea why.*Sigh* I have to go back tomorrow.

My very artistic representation of the distance I traveled today.I know,I'm  a great artist.Thanks!

I went home really disappointed until I found my aunt and sister skewering barbecues on sticks.That cheered me up a little.We had barbecues all afternoon,and I forgot about my meat aversion for a while.We also had tons of Coke and these really huge raisin muffins that I loved.They looked like those ones that Emily baked in New Moon.I completely forgot about my bank failure. ;) We had so much fun eating and cooking...And now,I am sooooooo full that I would not step out for dinner.

So there yah go with my detailed diary entry for today.It has been a hot summer day, but the afternoon was breezy.So far,today is my favorite day of Summer 2010. Staying at home can sometimes be a lot better than going out,I must admit.My sister and I had "So Long,Sweet Summer" and "Hands Down" on repeat on the stereo, and it was the best feeling ever!So that's it...I'm about to end the day with a session of stargazing.

Confession #3

I used to be left handed.

I learned to write my name when I was 4, and when I was in Kindergarten,I used to write using my left hand.One day,when I was doing my homework on an activity book,I was required to draw a star.It was then that my aunt first noticed that I was left handed.She taught me how to draw a star using my right hand,but it was so difficult that I insisted drawing it with my left.

When I graduated from Kindergarten,I still had lessons even during summer vacation so that I would not forget what I've learned.My aunt took that as an opportunity to train me to write using my right hand.When I entered elementary,I was right handed,and eventually forgot how to write with my left hand.

I took the seat that my teacher gave me,and when I stirred,I saw that my new seatmate,Eunica,was left handed.We managed to get ourselves through first grade,bumping elbows unintentionally every time we had to write on our notebooks.

Fairytales and Giggles:A Journey To My Past

I just want to share my thoughts before going to bed,cause yes,just like you,I always have this little thinking session before I finally close my eyes and drift off to a hopefully dreamless sleep.

In these little thinking sessions,I often get lost in a trance.My mind seems to like wandering off to the past or to the future,whichever I prefer to think about on a certain night.

Tonight,it's about fairy tales and giggles. It's about the past.

I just miss those days when I was little. I used to make forts out of our blankets.Sometimes I'd wrap them around my body,then go on parading around our shabby little house.Things like those used to make me happy.My favorite show was a noon time show, there was this segment called the "Calendar Girls". It was a beauty contest.It was what always inspired me to secretly snag my mother's make up and smear lipstick and mascara on my eyes, and all over my face.I can still remember bugging them to please take me to audition for "Little Miss Philippines" but they never got around to it.

As a child,I was a loner.I do play with kids my age but oftentimes,my parents and family were overprotective,since I was the only child in the family back then. My sister was born when I was five years old.Back to my little self,I used to spend every afternoon of everyday in Jollibee.That was because my aunt and I had a deal that whenever I get perfect scores on quizzes and exams,we'd go to Jollibee.I used to have every single toy they made.

We had this huge backyard where I liked to play alone,running around,talking to my doll,or picking blueberries.Yes,we did have a blueberry tree,and it was my best friend.When we had our house renovated,it was cut down,and I missed it.I was never that fond of milk,I preferred Milo or Sustagen.I could never live without them.

I lived an easy life back then.I was treated like a princess.What I wanted,I got. They used that method to motivate me in school.Whenever there was a poem to memorize,my mother would lock me up all afternoon in our bedroom,and I could never be let out until I memorized the damn verses.After that,she would take me to the store where I could pick everything I want,and she'd buy them.I always picked Ring Bee cheese sticks,only because I loved putting those sticks inside my ears or nose,and that always got me in trouble with my father.

I remember swallowing a 25 cent coin,and being operated because of the earring lock that got stuck in my ear.I remember overhearing my mother say she'd name my sister "Rhiza May", and I remember asking her to give my name to my sister instead,and give me the name "Rhiza May" in exchange.That's how much I hate my name.I remember climbing trees,sneaking out with my friends to the ricefields,dreading the time my father would find out that I sneaked out.

I remember bringing my best friend to our house.My parents were in the farm that day,so we raided the food cabinets,and found two kilograms of uncooked pasta.I remember putting water on a pot,waiting impatiently for it to boil,putting the pasta sticks eventually,and when they were tender,I sprinkled it with soy sauce, fish sauce, and ketchup. I would never forget my best friend's face when she took a spoonful of the sauce to try it.

I remember running on the street with my playmates--the rowdy boys and the prissy girls--playing hide and seek when the moon was bright.We also had to attend two of our friends' funerals, who both died of illnesses our young minds didn't have any idea about.Their parents asked us to play,to lighten the mood,and even though we were sad,we did,cause that was all we could do.We played several games which,in the end,had my face all messed up with charcoal doodles.

I remember bathing on the water irrigation system for the fields,resting under a tree shade in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.We used to play with haystacks,and then when we were bored,we would go to the pond and catch tadpoles using our bare hands.I got a lot of disciplinary acts for those,but they were fun times I would never regret.

I remember having this one doll,which I did not name,but I loved so much.I had her when I was two,I last saw her when I was 17.Now,I have no idea where she might be.She was the prettiest doll ever,and I would never forget the way I cried one morning when I saw that her neck was slashed open with a knife. Despite the inflicted wound,I could not afford to lose her,so I decided to keep her.I had so many toys,like a Teletubbies plushie,but they could never surpass the bond I had with my nameless doll,so my parents gave up in trying to replace her.

I still can't believe that almost 15 years have passed since all these happened.In my blurry memory that seems to choose the events and moments to save for me to remember,it's like they just took place yesterday.As I curl up in a ball,closing my eyes,I can still hear our giggles and screams,the fairy tales we used to write in small booklets of bond papers when we played "bookstore".I can still recall those moments,the sparkle in our eyes when we exchanged gifts for no apparent reason at all.It's like magic.It's like I don't want to pull away from this trance,reminiscing those days when innocence was so genuine,those days when instead of looking back on the happy things that just happened,I was looking forward to the brighter things that were sure to happen the next day.

Time really is a mist.You go to sleep on the night of your 5th birthday party,then the next morning,you'll wake up,and you're nineteen.

Confessions Of The Normally Abnormal, Usually Unusual

Yesterday, someone asked me if I have gone bonkers. The answer,of course,was no. "This is just me being normal,actually." :D

You might be wondering what lead to the question.This is exactly why today,I am having a confession...Confessions,actually.

Confession #1: The Gummy Bears' Demise

I like killing gummy bears. And I spell it as "gummii", to be honest. It's just cruel...But it makes me happy. I set the color for the day,then kill. Yesterday it was orange. They caused my Barbie's death, so I gave them punishment.I drowned some of them in a glass of Coke and I was amused.Ha! Taught them to be nosey. ;) Before the killing spree,though,I first organized a gummii wedding. An orange gummii bear's last wish was to marry a red gummii bear,so I agreed to do the wedding.After that, I beheaded them, leaving the gummi bride a widow.

Confession #2: The Soldier And The Pixie
You might find it strange for some reason,but I do ship Jackson and Ashley more than Robert and Kristen. You don't know who they are?Shame on you. That's Twilight's Jasper and Alice. I seriously hype up everytime I see a photo of them,or read an article,which is like,always.I am totally hooked,and no,I don't need psychological help,thank you very much.

That's it for today,since I have to run to the stupid bank to pay my internet bill or else I'll be disconnected.I would never want that to happen.I would rather die.Seriously! Okay bye!

I think I might make it a habit to post some confessions here. It's quite fun. ;)

A Place In This World

I don't know what I want,so don't ask me.I'm still trying to figure it out.

Well,seems like Taylor Swift is taking over my life.Yes,the title and the first line of this post is from her song, "A Place In This World".

Sometimes, I really don't know where I belong.I don't know who's with me,I don't know who I could run to in rough times.I wish there were no oceans and seas,and that every place in the world is accessible by feet.I would have been happy.

There are those times when all we really need is one tight bear hug from someone--whoever that someone might be-a friend,a sister,a parent,a stranger.But we can't have it,cause there's no one to turn to.I hate feeling like there's nowhere to go cause it sucks...It just makes it clearer that I am alone.

I'm pretty much sure that I am a good listener.I could stay listening to a friend rant and vent about her f*cked up life for hours or days on end,I wouldn't mind,cause that's what I am.What hurts me is that there are times when I have to be the one to speak of my pain,and they wouldn't be there to listen.Isn't that a little too much for my torn heart to bear...?They wouldn't even ask how I am,or if I am alright...They'd just go on wallowing about their sh*tty lives like they own all the problems in the world.Well here's to you, friends: I'm taking the crown.

Currently,I am caged.I can never show who I really am without being ridiculed,to be honest.It's just so mean that I want to be myself--I want to care for nature,I want to be an animal rights activist...But nobody would get on my side to defend me because they think what I'm doing is pointless.What if this is what I want?What if this is where I belong?

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission, but I'm ready to fly...

The Things We Take For Granted That We Will Someday Lose

Has anyone ever told you to first put yourself in others' shoes before you start judging or complaining? I believe that is definitely fair.

Life--it's all about balancing and moderation.For every good,there is bad, same with darkness and light.We will excel in some things,fail in another,but that's just life.It's up to us how we work these strengths and weaknesses to our own advantages, without devising harm against our fellows, of course.

It's never easy to juggle everything when you only have one body-two arms,two feet,two eyes,two ears.We only have one heart and one mind,and 24 hours a day,we use them to survive being a student to our teachers,a child to our parents, a sister/brother to our siblings, a friend, a social aggregate, a neighbor, a stranger.But the hardest part of being ourselves is being ourselves itself.Because it is not all the time that we will be right with the words we say, with the things we believe in, and with the paths we take.

Despite all the negativity,life will still be beautiful for me.I believe that everything happens for a reason,but it is all entirely up to us on how we deal with  the difficulties.As for me,in spite of all the things that go on hurting me,I'd smile and remember that He created darkness for me to appreciate light,noise so that I'd appreciate silence,and goodbye for me to know how lucky I am every time I say hello.

Even though my life is completely effed up at the moment,I can't bring myself to blame anybody,cause this is my life--I chose my fate.Still,I do not regret the way I tried juggling my life in my own two hands,and at the end of every single day,I could still thank Him and feel blessed.I just always bear in my mind that no matter how bad I think my life is,somehow,I'm still lucky to have food in my plate while somewhere,someone is completely famished and hungry.I'm still lucky that I am going to school,taking up the course I want,while somewhere,someone is ready to gamble their life in exchange for a chance of having a good future.And that somewhere,someone is soaked up in rain,spending the night bundled up in nothing but their tattered old clothes,shivering in the cold,while I lie in a comfortable bed under a roof in my own home,never satisfied with what I already have,taking for granted all the things that I should be thankful for.

I've Lost Myself....And Something More

I think I need to find myself.

I've changed a lot,and people are starting to notice,especially my friends.
I don't know how,where,or when it all began...But I've definitely lost my old self,and I want it back.Not because nobody likes the new me...But because I don't like how I turned out to be.

I could not care less if people don't like me or my attitude.It is not my job to please them in the first place.Of course,nasty comments hurt but why would I let their words bring me down?After all,I live in a world where I bend and mold words.I can change them and turn them into something good,whatever bad they say.

When I deal with these people whose ideas of having a life is to bring a girl down,I just remind myself that if there is someone who knows me best,that someone is me.I live,eat,laugh,talk,and sleep with myself every single second of the day,so why would I care what they say?If it would not make me feel better,I'd let it enter one ear,then exit the other.That way,they'd never win,and words would never betray me.

As for the change in me that I hate...My friends seem to hate it too.I think it drove some of them away.I know I must be sad and wallowing,but I am not.I just figured out who my real friends are.Now I know who among them only loves me when I'm sunny and bubbly,and who stays even when I am moody and pessimistic.I will bring back my old self,but I don't think the eliminated friendships will ever find their way back to my heart.

When trust is broken,even if you kill yourself trying to fix it,it will never be the same.

Different Paths,Same Star For A Guide

I've just read Lauren's blog, which inspired me to write.I have no plans at all in blogging tonight,since I have posted more than enough entries for today,but this thing is just so petty that I have to point out how ridiculous it is to me.

We all have our own religious beliefs,opinions,and preferences,because we are each entitled to one.She is Jewish,I am Catholic,and Rani,a friend of mine,is a Muslim.What's wrong with that?What's wrong with being a Jew?What's wrong with being Muslim,or Catholic,or whichever religion there is?

Until now,I still find it very useless to start an argument about these differences in religions.It's just like racism.What's wrong with being Asian or American,black,or white?Why do we always limit ourselves to these thin borderlines when we could doubtlessly cross it and broaden our purpose in living?It's sad.And pathetic.

I can't believe how people manage to be so mean to each other.After all,what really matters is that we believe that there is someone up there,right?Whether you call him Jesus, God,Allah...I think what's really important is that we have faith in whoever He is,in whatever we conceive Him to be.Am I wrong?

Please...Let us begin with ourselves.Stop acting like we are superior over someone.We are all created equally.He,in the heavens,loves us all equally,no matter what we believe in.We don't have any right to tell someone that our religion or race is better,because if we just look past these differences,we are all human.We have the same human rights.We live in the same planet.We pass by each other everyday.And believe it or not,without each other,we would never survive.

P.S.
Lauren,don't mind them.We really can't please everybody.I do believe you are a great person.

Puddles of Joy

Okayyy so hello again! I'm back to blog about my day for the second time.And to...well,to tell you that my day isn't really that ordinary.Funny how in five minutes you're all depressed and pissy,and the next moment you're absolutely happy again.

I had a nice bath time with my sister and our neighbors' children.Haha ;) I'm a kid at heart,that much you could say.I set up the water hose and connected it to the faucet in the laundry space,and then I dragged the hose outside,and the fun began.

I was the masterrrrrr!!!I sprinkled my playmates with lotsa waterrrrrr while singing along to Taylor Swift's Love Story and Stay Beautiful. We chased each other around the neighborhood,people stared of course...But I really couldn't care less.

We played around for about an hour or so,until the concrete pavement in front of our house was flooded.We then stomped on puddles of water,and call me a loser if you must,but I have never been happier. ;)

I'm now back here in my room,blogging,of course,but not without a smile on my face.God never fails to remind me how beautiful life can be if I just keep looking on the brighter side. ;)

Tomorrow, we're going to the beach.I'm looking forward to it,as well as our trip to the burger stand later. ^^