Trying To Be Everything Can make You Lose Your Mind.

She grew up on the side of the road
Where the church bells ring and strong love grows
She grew up good
She grew up slow

Have you ever had that one lonely day when you realized that everything is just not the same?

You look back to what your life was like three months ago and you just can't help but ask yourself: What happened? Where did I go wrong?

People come, people go. What hurts the most is that our feelings stay the same.I wish it was as easy as letting go of money-you know how easy it is to spend money and you don't even mind handing it away to other people. But when it is someone who leaves, it's so difficult. Even giving away your favorite Teddy Bear is hard enough,what more,a person?

Sometimes we don't even have the chance to say goodbye. You just wake up one day and find that they are gone out of sight. What's worse is when they really haven't gone anywhere. You still talk, you still see each other,but somehow, the laughter doesn't sound the same. The tears are not so deep anymore,and as days go by,you don't realize how far you have grown apart.

I'm just lonely tonight. I miss having some people around.If I could,I would beg them to speak to me, but I am much of a coward to do so.I'm scared they might turn me down,and then I'll be left hurting even more. I don't get myself sometimes. I have always believed that if you love someone and you really mean it, you just do. You just love them and not ask for anything in return, but now I'm all demanding for even just one of these people I love to love me. I'm yearning for love. For once, I want to be loved.

It doesn't really help when memories are not on my side. Good or bad, they make me remember how happy it was with them. How happy we all were before I screwed things up. But of course, I fake it all with a smile, and say I am happy for them. I am happy for them-but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I meet cool people and introduce them,and then,all of a sudden, I'm not cool enough to belong with them anymore. It's like I am shoved out, and I keep getting locked out.

I am sorry for ranting here. It's not really a rant,you know?I'm just...I just thought I'd share my feelings. Sometimes, people treat me like I'm a saint. I feel like they forget that I have feelings too. Just because I let it pass when they bully me doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Of course,I do. We wouldn't be this far apart now if I don't get affected.

Anyways...I still can't believe it is September already. SEP. TEM. BER. And almost the 15th. How time flies. I remedy my loneliness by listening to Chistmas songs.Although to be honest,these Christmas songs only make me feel worse.I'm leaving you with my favorite Christmas Song of all time, composed and sung by Jose Marie Chan, a very talented Filipino composer/musician. P.S.- I'm sick, I have runny nose and I can't stop sneezing.Any medicine recs?

Softly,We Tremble Tonight

I think I blog too much, but you really can't do anything about it.

Today has been a day of keen observation. If you knew me well enough,you would know that I don't pay all that much attention to things unless I'm really bored. My mind is always floating with thoughts and ideas so most of the time, the hands of the clock would tick by and I would not even notice.

Today,I made it my business to just look around me for once.

I've never seen the road as beautiful as I have seen it today. The branches of the trees that swayed above me were beyond magical--I felt like I was in wonderland. On my way to school.I thought about stuff that I usually think about.Like why people die and why things happen.



Human beings are funny,in a way. Sometimes, we are annoyingly funny. Sometimes, it's just plain rude. I was sat in McDonald's all alone, eating my lunch in quiet stillness when a lady (she's about 25-28) asked if she could share my table.I said yes,of course.I mean what choice did I have? Even though there were tons of vacant tables, it would have been rude if I said no,right?

Well,I just realized that no matter how kind you are and no mater how good your intentions are,people would always push you to your limits and you must forgive them for that.Perhaps you make others feel like that too,at times. So the lady turned out to be VERY talkative.I was never the type who talked to strangers like we were old friends,mind you.I have trust issues. So I was wuietly nibbling (hehehe,nibbling) on my chocolate sundae, and I was having these really disturbing coughing fits in between,and she wouldn't shut up.

Nibble,nibble,nibble.She wanted to know where I lived,where I was studying,why I was at the mall, how old I was, what year was I in, what course I was taking, how long did it usually take me to get home, did I take the jeepney every single day, did I have anyone with me at the moment...The list could go on forever. Right at that very moment, I was mentally nagging myself for ever deciding to buy that chocolate sundae. All I wanted was to have some alone time with myself to be able to think things through,but her words were faster than bullet,so as soon as I put the plastic cup down,I politely excused myself and escaped the scene of the crime.

What I'm saying is, that WAS VERY RUDE. I really appreciate it when people talk to me,I mean,I do that a lot in Twitter and Facebook,but when I am eating, DO NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME. I am very strict with this ever since high school. I do not like being watched or talked to when I am eating, cause I respect and value the food. To others it may sound shallow, but why do we pray before we eat? To thank God for the blessing,right? Well, that is the reason why I like eating undisturbed. It makes the meal all the more special and sacred. That is just my opinion.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation one day,respect the other person's privacy and silence,please. As you can see,I was really pissed,and I still am,because I feel violated. I don't know why. It's just so annoying,even until now.

In Memory Lane...Again.

Look at this photograph...Every time I do it makes me laugh...

I'm toying with memories of the past again.That's so typical of me,I know.I just can't help it.

It's so hard to believe that so many years have passed,and so many things have happened already.My heart still feels young,like I'm still eight or ten,or maybe,fourteen. Back then,I was so eager to grow up and be a woman,have a husband and kids,a home to call my own, and go and visit my parents on Holidays. Now that I am close to that, I am not so sure anymore.

That's the problem with me.I change my mind a lot.I'm always uncertain... One day,I wanted to be a teacher. And then I woke up taking Food Technology in High School, and suddenly felt that I wanted to be a chef. I still want to be a chef,but I am just wondering... What if there's more to life than dreams and the future?

We keep worrying about the future.This I know,for on the rare occasions that I go out of the house to visit some neighbors, what they always talk about is the fact that they have no more rice to cook for tomorrow, or that the kid might be going to school with no lunch money. The funny thing is, they only talk about it; they never do anything to change their fates.

Anyway,enough of that,I guess. So why am I playing with memories again? Because I am so stressed right now,I don't know what to do. I have lots of things going on in my mind, and the past is the safest place for me to hide. I just miss running barefoot on what used to be a narrow dirt path in front of our house, or build haystacks in the rice fields during harvest season. I never get to do those things anymore. For one, I am too old for those, and two, I actually have no time.

When I was little I would feel like a princess, riding on a carriage that was pulled by a carabao. My grandfather owned a carabao, he still does. Those carriages were made to transport the rice sacks from the middle of the fields to the side of the road. It was so much fun, I felt free.

I guess I made these memories my sanctuary because I only remember what I want to remember. I find comfort in knowing that once when I was a child, classes were suspended because there was a storm. For three days,we stayed indoors with no electricity. I used to collect candle wax and round it up into a ball,then used a match stick for a wick. When the sun came up again one August afternoon, I was so happy to be outside the house again that I immediately went to play in the backyard. We had a papaya tree there, where I found a golden tortoise beetle. I loved golden tortoise beetles, and the colors they would project when hit by the sun.

I wish I had a photograph of all those precious moments when we all smiled and tackle hugged each other. They say photographs are good because they never change even if the people in them do, but don't they realize that photographs fade,too? That's why I rely on my memories. They are not that vivid now, I might get the faces wrong, but I clearly remember the exact emotions I felt during those days. No more,no less... And I wouldn't be lying to myself.

A Letter To An Inanimate Object I Hate

Dear Computer Speakers,

I wish you don't sound groggy.To be honest with you,you sound worse than I do when I have just woken up in a very bad mood on a hot morning in June.I don't know what exactly that means,but I'm sure it's a bad thing.

Anyways,can you please straighten yourselves up?Everytime I play Trading Yesterday you make them sound like there's phlegm in their lungs,I kind of lose my mood because of that.

All in all,though,if I look past all the crazy sounds you usually make,you can be pretty useful,too,when I want to drown out my thoughts,or the neighbor's inevitable NOISE. I'm sure we are one on this.You know what I mean.

P.S.

Please try your best not to fall of the table.It's getting anoying,really.

Love,
Seann

A Month Of Letters Prompt Table

day 1. A letter to an inanimate object you hate.
day 2. A letter to a dinosaur.
day 3. A letter to a movie character
day 4. A letter to someone you want to kick in the face expressing why you want to kick them in the face
day 5. A letter to a celebrity you want to kick in the face
day 6. A HEARTFELT letter to some food
day 7. A letter to a historical event
day 8. A letter to a giant space robot
day 9. A letter to the coolest person you’ve never met
day 10. A letter to an alien race.
day 11. A letter to your last bowel movement
day 12. A letter to a mythological creature
day 13. A letter to a word you don’t like
day 14. A letter to a word you love
day 15. A letter to your crotch.
day 16. A letter to your bed
day 17. A letter to a video game character
day 18. A letter to a website that ruined your life
day 19. A letter to an animal you like
day 20. A letter to an animal you think is fucking stupid
day 21. A letter to something you’ve owned for 5 years+
day 22. A letter to something you want to fuck
day 23. A letter to the drug of your choice.
day 24. A letter to one of your bodyparts
day 25. A letter to Gary Busey
day 26. A letter to the future cyborg version of you
day 27. A letter to band that really needs to break up
day 28. A letter to a movie you hate
day 29. A letter to a letter you’ve written
day 30. A letter to a bowl of fruit

She,Revealed,A Statue.

I don't know where to begin.

I just think life is funny nowadays.I shift from mood to mood,day by day. Well,last week was like a hurricane.This week seems more promising,so I'm counting on it.

Yesterday,a Youth Council meeting was scheduled in our Church,but my sister and I decided not to attend since we had lots of school work to do.Luckily for us,our Chairman called and informed us that it was cancelled,perhaps because it was raining really hard.

So my day was spent wholly at home,doing my visual aid for "Statue" by Jackson Rathbone,which I would later present in class.Sadly,I fell asleep while doing it yesterday,I was so tired.So I zonked off at about 3 in te afternoon,and woke up at 6 feeling groggy...My sister was on the computer the whole time.I didn't finish anything,but I think I liked it.

The thing is,I like lazy Sunday afternoons.If it's not lazy,then I'll make it lazy by being lazy.It was raining all day yesterday,and that's what I loved,bundled up in my blanket like a cocoon,listening to the sound of the rain and some piano lullabies.It is always good to spend some time with my sister doing nothing at all,just being in the same room for hours on end,ocassionally speaking to each other,is bliss.

I've met new friends too,there's Darcy who's really funny and I enjoy talking to her a lot.I stay up until the wee hours just role playing Alice on Chatroll,and if ou only know what I'm dong there...Haha! It's really fun,but I don't think I can get on there as much as I have these past few days.

I just feel contented today.No silly fights in the house,no shouting..There are still those ocassional cold shoulder treatments but I can't complain.So far this is better than the last few days,so maybe I should even be thankful.When I feel so down I just remind myself that there are so many kids out there who don't have families,and I have one,so I'm lucky.That keeps me going.

Anyhooo...A friend right now is feeling really down and stuff,I wish I could help her. :-/ The world is crazy and harsh,and she better learn that early,I think..That not all we want,we get. Perhaps a lesson is waiting for her in the end.Right now,I must help her hold on to the last shred of hope left in her.I'll be more than guilty if I just watch her give up,you know?

STATUE

She dances in the forest shade
in freckles of the sun
slight winds breach the trees’ blockade
and the shade succumbs

A sudden burst of brilliant light
the forest comes alive
illuminating scattered paths
where forest creatures hide

She, revealed, a statue
bleaching in the sun
her skin of stone
a marble tone
her dress a mess
of vines and nests
a kind distress
her mouth
smiles
yes

no
rest
for a statue
no less
for the trees
leaves dancing
in season
and reason deceived
as she seems to be
dancing, dancing for me

what shadows might allow at night!
when branches dip and sway
the disco moon, a trick of light
she sways on nature’s stage

her holly golightly gave her the reds,
my james dean savior will see me dead

bowing to the inscription a questioning sigh
could something less than rain make a statue cry?

-j.action

That's the poem I was talking about.Isn't it beautiful?

Some of the words Jackson used give a hint that he wrote this poem with his Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) in mind. Just read between the lines.Anyway,even if he didn't,that doesn't change tha fact that it is beautiful.

Hope

A gift.

A curse.

I didn’t know what I have.

The way.

The course.

The face of the man I love.

I traveled.

I lived.

I longed to meet him.

My past.

My humanity.

I searched,but it was dim.

I ran.

I fought.

I was alone and lonely.

I waited.

And waited.

I waited until he found me.

A monster.

A killer.

I was  the fear of many.

A puppet.

A fool.

I thought love has found me.

I ran away.

Far away.

Until fate intervened.

I was lost,he found me.

I was dying,she saved me.

She held out her hand.

He took it without stopping.

For the first time in years,

The puzzle was complete.

And we felt hope.

It's Just Another Day

I sit on the front steps of our house. It's a cold morning, but beautiful nonetheless. I wonder if people see the same things as I do.Gently,I rub my eyes and yawn. Fog is covering up the city.

"What are you thinking,doing nothing here?" My Momma asks. "Go to work,you fool!"

I reluctantly obliged. It is Sunday, but I have to work on Sundays to keep the family alive.In fact,I have to work every day,no rest.

I put on my daintiest clothes,and by daintiest, I mean an old donated shirt and a greasy pair of shorts. I sit on the dining table, my Dadda is not here, and like the usual, we do not eat in silence.

My five siblings fight for more food,food that does not exist;or at least,not in our plates.My Momma feeds herself and then scolds them; she pinches my little brother's arms.

"Goodbye,Momma." I say, giving her a hug before I head off for work.I already know what to expect.

She pries me away from her,annoyed. "Go now and bring money home!" She scolds, "We cannot live with these hugs and hugs alone."

"Yes,Momma." I say, cause all I want is to please her.

Outside, it is cold and the streets are wet. It has just rained last night,washing away the dirt in the road.Sometimes, I wish the rain can wash away my fears,too.

I skip from one street to another,looking for the best place to work. My feet bring me to the Church, so off I enter to pray.

I kneel before God and ask not for any material things, but for forgiveness.


I'm sorry for not being the daughter that my Momma needs.


I'm sorry for whatever trouble my Dadda is causing You right now.


I'm sorry for every single swear word that comes out of my siblings' mouths.


I'm sorry if sometimes, I blame You for all the wrong in my life.

I sit outside the church, just watching the people around me. If Momma sees me like his,she would scold me for wasting precious time,and maybe give me a slap or two across my cheeks,but I watch. I watch a mother hold her little daughter's hand,they are smiling at each other. She buys her a cone of ice cream...Oh,what I wouldn't give to have a taste.

I watch a man buy his son a blue balloon,playing with him all the while.I envy that boy;my Dadda rarely goes home,and when he does,it's either he's drunk,or he needs money for gambling.It doesn't matter though.It makes me happy to see him every once in a while.

It is afternoon now,and I still haven't got a single penny in my pocket.I look around,everyone is busy..Walking, talking, laughing, pushing each other off the road. It's funny how life goes on for some people while you badly want to end yours.

I walk over to a fastfood joint,a kind hearted lady gives me her half eaten burger.Ah,this will do.I sit on the curb,ready to eat my late lunch,when they came.

"Hey...A burger!"

I hid the food behind me. "Yes it is."

"Give it to me." The leader says, pulling my hair.

"No,this is mine!Earn your own food!"

"Ah,you're brave now,huh?" With that,he gives me one jab on the stomach,takes my food,and walks away laughing with his gang.

I lie on the dirty pavement, writhing in pain. I position a tin can on the side walk, calling "alms, alms" to the passers by,who normally throw me one glance, and occasionally put a penny or two in my can.

Evening comes and my earnings are still not enough. The skies are dark,signaling another starless night, another rain.

And I am not wrong.Minutes later it rains,and I have nowhere to turn to. I am soaked, my clothes are dripping wet, but I cannot go home just yet.

"Alms... Alms..."

But nobody seems to listen. Times like this,I appear invisible to everybody. After all, who am I?

I am just a five year old,asking for spare money.It is not the society's responsibility to give me some.

I start walking home,crying,because I know what is waiting for me. As I brave the storm, a battle is ensuing within me. Shall I just let the flood carry me to where I should be? Or will I swim against the current to where I want to be?

As I lay the coins on the table,I wait for the worst to happen. I watch the shadows dance against the walls of our poorly lit hut while my Momma count the money.

"This," she hisses at me,holding up my chin. A tear streaks down my face, and I start to shiver with fear. "Is simply not enough!"

"I'm sorry, Momma." I cry, but we both know she would not listen anyway.

She turns her back on me,lighting up a cigarette. "You will have nothing for dinner."

With that, my night ends, and I cry myself to sleep, clenching my rambling stomach.The crickets sang me a lullaby, and as soon as I close my eyes,I can't help but whisper...

It's just another day.

Can This Be Love?

 Can this be love I’m feeling right now? I love the feeling it’s giving me now…

At night, I toss and turn, thinking about him, his smile, studying his face in my memory. Do I remember his face right? Is the cute dimpled cheek on the left? Or should that be on the right? I browse my phone, reading and rereading his messages, looking for clues, hidden meanings, or just reading them to make me smile. It never fails. He gives me sleepless nights.

Can this be love I’m feeling right now? I am not sure of this feeling somehow…

When I see him, it’s like what happens in the movies. Everything stops, if only for a minute, and our surroundings are a blur. It’s like there’s nobody else in the world, just us two. But when he passes by and smiles, I don’t know what to do. Shall I smile back, say hi? He makes me nervous whenever he’s around. I feel self conscious, as if his eyes are only for me. Somehow, I am happy, and scared, too. If he holds out his hand, shall I put my heart in it and trust him not to break it? When that smile breaks on his face, I feel like everything is possible. I feel like I can do anything… I will do everything, just to see him smiling.

Can this be love I’m feeling right now? The voce inside me is guiding me now…

It’s telling me now to take his hands… When I hear his voice, I tremble inside. My heart fills immediately with inexplicable joy, it forgets about all the burdens. It tells me to take the chance and fall, even though I might not land back safely in his arms. What is this I’m feeling? Can this be love? Just the mere sound of his name blown by the wind to my thoughts is an intricately weaved lullaby, luring me to keep my eyes close and dream. It makes me feel peaceful, as if nothing could go wrong. If I take the risk and shut my mind down, I’m his. I’m his, to make or break, and try as I might, I just couldn’t tell myself otherwise.

Six Billion Secrets. I Have Two. What's Yours?

*click to enlarge*

Two of these posts are mine. Can you guess which of these are submitted by yours truly?

And can you state the reason why? Haha... State it on the comments section. :P

That's all for today. :)

If You Knew How Happy You Are Making Me...I Never Thought That I'd Love Anyone So Much...

Don't you find it funny or strange when a certain scent, song, color, or thing remind you of someone?

To me,it is like an imprint. That certain something will always be attached to someone's name, and wherever, whenever, whatever I am doing, when that thing presents itself to me,I will always remember the person.

It's july already. I can't believe how fast time passes by nowadays. You go to bed one summer night, and then you'll wake up and find that another year has gone. It's rainy season again, and just as the rain waters flood the streets, memories and dreams flood my mind.

The rain will always remind me of my dream life in the future. I may be high maintenance at times, but I will always remain a simple girl at heart. When it rains, I envision myself relaxing in my own home, curled up in a sofa positioned beside the window,just watching the raindrops fall, listening to the thunder roll, a cup of warm chocolate in hand, jazz music playing on the background.

I never wanted a huge house. I dream of a small but decent one, three bedrooms, a nice kitchen, soft beige colored walls, a roll of thick carpeting and oriental rugs on the floor.I want a front porch painted in immaculate white,with two lounge chairs perfect for viewing the stars at night.I want a huge garden, a really huge one where I can grow different breeds of roses and orchids, and dandelions.I want warm and dim garden lamps installed,and a willow tree in the back yard to serve as shade when it's barbecue weekend.

I want a stable job that would not require me to go abroad and stay away from my loved ones. I may want to have my own charitable organization someday. I want a car--not a fancy one, but perhaps a Toyota RAV4, Fortuner, or Yaris, or maybe a Honda Jazz or a Nissan Monterosport, a Hyundai Santa Fe, or, if I am lucky enough, a Ford Expedition. I really don't care about details, so long as it is a family car. A white family car.

Above all these, I dream of going home to a delicious smelling dinner made by the man of my dreams. He would serve it on the table, with thin white smoke still steaming from the bowl of rice. He would ask me how my day has been, and in the mornings I would knot his tie and kiss him goodbye before we leave for work. He would drive a bubbly little girl to and from school, and she would sit on his lap at home, her brunette curls reaching her shoulders, and together we would teach her how to draw a star. At night, we would make the time to say goodnight to her, and read to her about Cinderella or Snow White.

And as time progresses we would sometimes fall,but would help each other back up all the time. We would have our own share of misunderstandings, but we would always sort it out. We would watch our children grow, and walk them down the aisle, tearing up every time.

Eventually, we would sit on the porch, hand in hand, in perfect silence. We would look at each other and smile, and when it rains, we would always remember that it all began with a dream.

I'm Always Gonna Worry About The Things That Can Break Us..

I've been reading a lot lately. Within this week, I've finished Mates Dates and Diamond Destiny, Dear John (for the tenth time), The Last Song, and I'm halfway through The Time Traveler's Wife.

Tomorrow, it's Father's Day. Well, I do not want to elaborate about it right now. Mainly because it still hurts. After almost seven years, I still can't bring myself to think or talk about him without a lump forming in my throat. Until now, I believe it's my fault, and nobody even knows why.

Anyway, screw you, chicken pox. My days of suffering are over, but the scars are starting to appear now. It saddens me big time- if you know me well, you will know why. I'm upset because I won't be able to wear mini skirts and shorts and jumpers for a while. That is one hell of a big deal for me because I love wearing those items of clothing. Dresses are out of the question too. I have scars on my arms.

Earlier today, I made a CD mix of a soundtrack for my fanfiction, Chasing Rainbows. Yeah yeah, I'm crazy. But I love writing that story so much that I'm now stalling just so I could prolong its existence. Not that anyone cares, anyway, but I just can't end it yet. Anywas. I made the CD and imagine my frustration when our oh so fancy CD player won't read it because our oh so fancy CD player only plays original discs. Yes, yes. It's kind of bitching me out, really. So I had to use the China- brand player just so I could listen to my CD. Meh. But it is a pretty good mix. The songs remind me of certain chapters from the story. I guess that's a good thing.

One more thing, my grandmother subtly banned us from drining Coke or Pepsi in the house. Now all we get to drink is iced tea. I like iced tea, but.... I guess it's not a secret how I worship Coke. I CAN'T live without it, so forgive me, gran when I smuggle in some Coke as soon as I get back from school.

That's all that really happened to me this week. It's boring here. I wish I live somewhere else, you know? Like Manila or something.. Anywhere... Where there are city lights and bustling cars and young couples making out in the dark. Hahaha!!

I'm kind of loving and hating The Time traveler's Wife at the same time. It's a complicated novel, I mean, Henry travels back to the past and meets young Clare, and then Clare meets him in the present and he has no idea who she is because he is 40-ish when he traveled to the past and i the present he is just 28 so it hasn't happened yet. Hahaha. I do understand the complexities though. I can follow the timeline but as I have said, I'm only halfway through it so I don't know where it is leading, plot wise. As far as I have read, I think it still lacks sense. Maybe it will get better as it progresses, what do you think? Maybe they'd realize that you actually have to get up from bed in order to live. It seems to me like all Henry ever does is time travel or have sex with Clare. Haha!

That's it for now. I just joined MySpace, by the way. It's confusing.

I'm Not A Fool, And Neither Are You

I'm in love.

Like.... I didn't just stare at this picture the entire afternoon. I mean, I'm not capable of possessing such idiocy, and you know that, right?

Truth is, I did, and I am. Ha! I even had to remind myself that I am a girl, you know? She's just so gorgeous. Absolutely so.

For starters, my day's just fine. I have just finished reading The Last Song, and in my own humble and unreliable opinion, Dear John is so much better. I even got bored reading this one. I don't know why. Maybe because I read Dear John imagining Channing Tatum, while I read The Last Song imagining Miley Cyrus. See the difference? Good. I'm not a fan of Miley, either.

My chicken pox is on the verge of getting well real soon, but I'm obsessively worried about the scarring that will take place soon. I'm vain like that, and must I admit, it feels weird to say my chicken pox... As if I am owning them. Hmm.

I've been through a lot lately. Well, I've experienced being flamed in Fanfiction.net for the first time. Flamed means someone gave me a negative review, in case you were wondering. Anyway, I didn't take it so well at first, but now it's okay. I would not be pissed if my story was being criticized, but it was I that they spoke about as if my life was exposed in front of them, and they knew everything about me, when in fact they didn't know anything at all. That just ticked me off for a while but I've cooled down, so I'm back to writing. No one can stop me. I love what I'm doing. :)

And lastly... Twitter is sick, like, seriously sick, don't you think? It's worrying me a lot, really. I mean, when someone you love shows serious signs of sickness, you would worry, right? You would. you definitely would. And that's what's happening right now with Twitter. It's sick and it shows signs of dying... Aaah no Twitter!! You can't die, I mean, what about me? What about us? What about stalking Andrea and Caitie and Ashley? We can't end like this, you know? I can't handle it. I can't live without you. You're my life now... Okay, that's so Edward-ish, but still.. i can't go on without Twitter, it will kill me too. Twitter is my only family. That's so Alice. Aaaaah I'm going crazy. Insaner. Ha.. Ask Yasmina. :P

That's all I want to say. It's back to school time but I'm not back to school yet because I'm sickity sick with the chicken pox, as I have mentioned earlier. I'm so bored. Maybe I'll begin reading The Time Traveler's Wife. One more thing, kids. Do you...You know, fold your books' pages when you want to mark what you're reading? Let me advise you against it, then. Respect the book. Use a book mark, it's not that expensive anyway. You'll never regret taking care of your books, I promise. Just do what I said. Okay?

Okay, bye!

Poof! *vanishes*

Find Me Again

Good evening...

Half an hour ago, I decided to turn in early as I am not feeling well. But the moment I closed my eyes, this line just popped into my mind, out of nowhere. That is FIND ME AGAIN.

I don't know where I got it. Maybe I've been watching too much Korean dramas or reading way too many romance novels (I love you, Nicholas Sparks), but either way, it lead me to this realization, that once in my life, someone found me. I was astray, but he lead me home. I tried to ignore this inkling feeling to write, believe me, I did, I even made a compromise with myself, that I will blog it down first thing tomorrow morning, just not now cause I'm really tired, spent, wasted.... Whatever you want to call it. But here I am. I ended up sighing and giving in, because if I let these emotions go, they might not be the same tomorrow. That was one thing I learned from him.

Back to those days, when I was young and naive (I still am, but I improved a little. Or maybe that's what I like to think.), I was a crumpled piece of paper. There's this someone who kept on shaping and misshaping me as he pleased, trying to make me be who he wanted me to be. As I have said, I was young and naive, maybe even stupid,  and I thought I was in love so I let him dictate where my life should be headed, because when you love someone, you feel happy even with the slightest glance. Even when he treats you like crap.

It was not a good relationship, and after my heart broke enough, he threw me away like trash. Now, looking back, I feel like if I had been there watching my stupidity, I would have slapped my younger self in the face and tell her that love is not as simple as I made it out to be.

That was when the other one found me. You see, after I was thrown, carried away by the wind, he picked me up and told me that I was worth so much more. We met in April, and until now, thinking of it, what we had was what you would call a summer fling. There were problems that lay along the way, but when you feel the way I felt about him, I swear you would have no fears too, like I didn't. I was secure.

We began hanging out on May 6, this I clearly remember, because the excitement of dating for real for the first time rendered me sleepless for a few nights. He was kind hearted and easy to talk to, and believe it or not, I fell for him every single day. He had the ability to make me believe that I was somehow beautiful, and he didn't just say it; he showed it, too.

He was my first love, and when I told him that I loved him, I meant it more than I let him see. I did everything for him, like he did everything for me, and everything felt so perfect. I was literally sitting atop a cloud those day, those few months that I was with him. But what we had-it was never official.It was something special that only we could see, and we were a couple, but what kind of couple, I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I loved him, and I was living in a bubble where he was a Prince, and I was a Princess, and every love song ever made was written for the two of us.

What I didn't know was that bubbles tend to pop easily. One innocent argument grew to be two, until they multiplied before my very eyes, and one day, I woke up by reality's side. It was the 6th of August when he said goodbye. Again, this I clearly remember, because it was a beautiful and rainy afternoon, just two days before our Acquaintance Party. I was on my way home when he told me that he didn't feel the same for me anymore, just when I was about to apologize for not letting my real emotions flood through. It was the worst day of my life, my lips were quivering, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't, because I was on a passenger jeepney.

It took me more than a year to get over him. Not completely, because on the back of my mind I know that once I love someone, there's no turning back. No matter how much pain I've gone through because of them, there will still be a little space in my heart where they would reside forever. It was not easy, the first few months that I tried living without him. I forced myself to forget immediately, but because it was all so special, it was not easy. It was never easy, it never would be.

The day after he walked out of my life was the hardest. I woke up pinching myself, hoping it was all a dream, and it wasn't. And I was almost suicidal. My days were like an empty pit, and as time flew by, it got more hollow and it seemed to get darker. It was embarrassing to sit in a corner in my classroom and cry, with my classmates thinking they did something that upset me, but I did anyway. There was this one guy in school who had the same name as his, and I swear every single time he walked by and his mates called him, my head would jerk up automatically in response, hoping against hope that it was the guy I was longing for.

If all the love songs seemed to be written for us when we were together, all the heartbreak songs tore my heart a little bit more as I struggled to continue living without him. I used to have sleepless nights thinking what might have happened if he knew how strongly I felt for him. I used to regret not saying all the words that I kept within me, when they could have been my saving grace. My friends would always look at me with pity back then, because all they could read in my eyes was sorrow. They were puffy and red, and I was tired.

It took me so long to partially realize that our destinies were etched in the stars, and that stars have the tendency to explode and fall. I wrote my first name with his last, now, I don't have any idea where I put the paper.

Still, there are times when I'd stare at the stars and make a wish for someone I deserve to find me again...

Dreaming of Falling...

I just feel like I'm the loneliest girl today. *sigh* I don't want to bore you with my stories about days like this, but what else can I do? I need to blog to get this all off my head if only for a good ten minutes or so.

First of all, I really miss you, Louise and Vicky. You know, we keep denying to ourselves the fact that we have somehow grown apart... But it's not hard to see that we have. Or maybe it's just me that grew apart from the both of you. Well, whatever, really. Either way, we're not as bonded as we used to be. We used to be so eager to talk. I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, I love you. I do. And every single minute, it hurts to think that maybe I'll only be with you in dreams. I live in the Philippines, but part of my home, you bring with you wherever you are.

I miss Rani, too. Our random Twitter conversations with Leslie always pick me up. She's busy with studies though, so I totally understand that. I'm looking forward to talking to her again soon.

And then there's this uneasy feeling. I feel sick. They say I might have chicken pox any minute now, and I'm really scared because pain is the greatest of my fears. School's approaching, and how will I go to school if I'm sick? I don't want to be absent on our first week, cause then when I'm able to attend on the second week, everyone is already friends and I'd be left out like some kind of a freak.

I want to skip the next five years of my life, to be honest. I just want to fast forward and see what I'd be like after all these years. I want to have a regular job already. I want to go out of the country and see if the rain is just as chilly there as it is here. Mundane things like these keep me going. Sometimes, I feel like stopping everything altogether and just don't move, but somehow I keep pushing through. For reasons even reason can't find.

Even The Song Lyrics Don't Fit

Good morning. :)

It's 7 am, and I'm thinking about the future. My future. Sometimes, it scares me.

I have regrets and fears inside me. They are buried so deep that even songs can't describe them for me to explain or help you vizualize them. My dreams, my goals, my life in ten years.... What would it be like?

I'm not really sure what I want now. I think the problem is I want to be too many (people) at a time. I want to be a pastry chef and a bartender. At the same time, I want to have my own restaurant or hotel...But I don't want to start at the lowest point. See? I want to take the stairs two steps at a time, and I don't think that would get me somewhere, cause I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

I think I'm just being pressured, being senior and all. I really hope I pass all my subjects this year. I don't know...I feel like I can't endure them. I just want to get this all over with, once and for all, cause people are counting on me.

Sometimes it feels good to slack off cause I need a break too, but it's just so easy to throw away everything when it's ONLY my future that's at stake. Now, thinking of my family's future prevents me from falling to the sides. They put their whole trust on me. I might as well be grateful and give them what they deserve.

I hope all my dreams come true, but I think I have so little time to even prepare myself for the onslaught on the way. Finding a job is hard enough. Finding a good paying job is an endless hunt. I'll strive to be the best, not for myself, but for the sake of all the people tapping my back in pride.

Hello future, ready for me?

I'm Creative.

Yay. My room is squeaky clean. Hahaha.

That's hot it looked before I decided to clean it up. Err, I'm sorry, but someone said the most creative people have the messiest room. So there ya' go. I'm creative. :P

See? I could actually clean!!! yay!!! Party!!! hahaha ... I've nothing left to say. I also don't know what Tweety was doing in my bedsheet. I mean... I'm team Hello Kitty. D: MY aunt bought that for me so don't blame me.

Kay. I'll leave you with some of my favorite movies.

Twilight And It's Characters-In Five Sentences

For years now,we are all obsessed with Twilight. Anything Twilight. Sure,we do know all the characters but what about the others? The non-twi-hards who don't have any idea who Bella or Edward is? Well, here, let me help them. ;P In five sentences each, I will introduce you to Twilight. ;P

TWILIGHT

Twilight is a romance novel created by Stephenie Meyer who dreamt of a girl and a vampire in the meadow. It's main characters are Bella and Edward but for me it's really Alice and Jasper, cause I said so. It is a saga made up of four novels, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, respectively. If you don't know anything about it yet then I am so sorry for you. Many fan girls will aspire to kill you.

EDWARD

Edward is a vampire,more than a hundred years old, who falls in love with a clumsy girl (see: Bella). He is strong and romantic and has really nice hair. He has a family, too, though they are all adopted. He likes Volvo and for him Bella smells really really good. Oh, and he sparkles.

JACOB

Jacob Black is Bella's best friend and Edward's biggest rival. At first he has long hair but maybe because Edward looks gorgeous with his locks,Jacob decided that he would be gorgeous too if he cut his hair,so he did. He's a creepy stalker (he jumps into bedrooms quite easily) but not as creepy as Edward. He likes naps and he can't keep a secret. He runs around topless, all the freakin' time.

BELLA

Bella Swan started all this Twilight craze because the novels were told from her point of view (Jacob shares his POV in Breaking Dawn). She's the clumsiest girl ever made and she likes making out A LOT. She's a bad liar but she still tells lies. She likes papercuts, and later on, she cuts herself with a sharp rock cause that's how she rolls. She mumbles and blinks a lot.

ALICE

Alice is Edward's adoptive sister and Bella's best friend. She's always hyper like she just drank a liter of Coke or something, and she LOVES shopping. She can see the future based on the decisions made, but she can't see the future of the werewolves. She can pitch for baseball like crazy, and she likes walking on tree tops. Guilty of stealing a yellow Porsche.

JASPER

Jasper Whitlock Hale is Alice's husband who used to be the youngest major in a Confederate Army in Texas. He has a sexy Southern drawl and a sexy voice. The production made him wear horrible wigs but he certainly pulled off the look, and proved to be the sexiest and most beautiful vampire ever (in my eyes,okay?). He growls at the smell of blood resulted by a silly papercut,and even when he growls he is sexy. He gets to ride a horse and kiss Alice Cullen, which is totally fine with me (okay, NOT.).

ROSALIE

Rosalie Hale was described by Bella as the most beautiful face on Earth or something like that. She acts like a beeeyotch toward Bella most of the time because Bella is human who wants to be a vampire while she is a vampire who would give everything to be human because she wants to have a child. She pretends to be Jasper's twin sister in Forks. She's the wife of Emmett Cullen. Her favorite expression: my monkey man.

EMMETT

Emmett likes arm wrestlings and other things that let him prove that he is strong. He's goofy. He likes bears for food because a bear mauled him before Rosalie found him in the woods. He likes teasing Bella and Edward and the rest of the family. He and Rosalie destroyed a number of houses while having S (soup).

**
That's all because I'm tired. More to come (maybe) soon. I do not mean to offend anybody here,okay (sorry to the fans of Twilight who might get mad--I am a Twilighter too! This is purely for fun) Thanks.

Guess I'd Rather Hurt Than feel Nothing At All

I missed my 12,000th tweet. :( I was planning to dedicate it to who else but Andrea and Caitie and Ashley? Yes, it's official. I am obsessed with them. I should have admitted it ages ago but I've only come to that realization now.

I don't know what's wrong with me. As the song above says, I am tied together with a smile.Whether I am coming undone or not,though,I have no idea. All I know is that I am fine (I think).

I really don't have that much to say. I think, I am on the road of acceptance, taking each blow as they come without any complaint. But I'm afraid I've lost my shine,if you know what I mean. I think I became more serious,more mature...Sometimes. Other than that, it's still me,being myself.

I will blog again when I've stepped on an inspiration. I'm tired now,kind of. Although I didn't do anything tiring all day. I just need to procrastinate.

Truth Was Injected In The Cliche

When you love someone as much as I love Alice, it wouldn't matter if she's causing you pain. It wouldn't matter if you know you're waiting for nothing. When you really love someone, Edward, you'll wait. Even if it takes forever.

 -Jasper Whitlock in The Day You Said Goodnight (FF)

I've just finished writing this chapter for my fanfiction, and I initially thought I was making Jasper too sappy or too much like a loser, but then I realized the truth in his words (that I invented).

It may sound like a cliche, like it came out of a movie character's lips, but that's reality. If you really love someone, you'd be willing to wait for them, even if it means pushing your own happiness aside, you would, just so you could cater to the wishes of the person you love.

Waiting, I know, is not one of my talents. When God showered the world with patience, I was hiding under a roof, so nothing rubbed off on me. You could ask anyone about my patience, and their answer, I'm pretty sure, would be that it is non-existent.

This is why the very minute I finished typing that line, I confronted myself: if I was ever put in the same situation, would I have said the same thing? Truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I would be patient enough to wait for love with no assurance. I've always been impulsive, jumping and falling without knowing what's waiting down below has never been a problem to me. I am a risk taker, but when that risk involves possible emotional pain, I back out.

Funny how it seems, a strog girl like me who could endure endless (no, just kidding) physical pain would chicken out when it comes to love. I am well aware that love itself is a risk, but I have the tendency to be depressed for days just because of one flicker of emotional pain. Maybe that's why none of my past relationships worked. I like being committed and having someone there, but as soon as insecurity strikes, I quit.

I wish I could change myself, but as much as I want to, I wouldn't. Maybe this would sound selfish, but doesn't it feel great to have someone who loves you for exactly who you are?

For once, I have waited, and I was right.

There's someone in this world who's looking for me--for the girl that is me exactly. No conditions, no additions, no subtractions. Just the plain old little me. And that, I could say, is totally worth the wait.