I'm Spinning and Swirling

I have nothing to say tonight. Do you know that feeling,when your mind is so clouded with things and you just don't trsust yourself to talk anymore?

What will I say now? I was supposed to be in Manila, but the trip was moved to next week, so I'm stuck here trying to review my lessons, but my mind just isn't feeling like a sponge. It would not accept anything I try to memorize. I'm just too distracted.

If there is any part of my body that feels like a sponge right now, that would be my limbs. I am so freaking exhausted and hungry. I have just eaten but I'm starving again. Shake my actual head. So I'm eating eggnogs here, trying to update you with what's going on with my life. It's not really so bad,noh? That doesn't make it so good though.

I miss everyone. Here I am again, being emotional and all, but Twitter is so quiet. Last night we tried to make Greenbone trend but we had no luck, I guess. Ashley was seen again kissing another guy. This time it was Joe Jonas. Mind you, I have nothing against him, but... I don't know. I just don't think he's good enough for her. But then again, her dating record isn't too good either.

When she was papped making out with Brock, I cried. Now, I didn't. I should, I know I should, but I think I'm used to it. It will only take a matter of time before she's back in Jackson's arms again. It's hard to judge her or the relationships she gets herself into because no one really knows the truth behind them except herself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I want to just ask her to come right out and tell us what's going on. Sometimes, we deserve to know.

But that is her private life. I just wish she would keep it private, because with what I am seeing, it's like she's having a party in her bedroom and the door is slightly open, giving us all a glimpse, but never allowing us to enter. Wait--does that make sense to you?

I wish it will all stop and she'd just settle down and stay with one guy,you know? I'd love it if it was Jackson but if she prefered someone else and I saw that she was truly happy, I would never go against it. Only she knows what's best for her. I love Ashley more than anyone else (not my family and friends,ah whatever, if you are looking up to someone right now you would know what I mean), and I only want her to be truly happy, but when you are a stranger looking from the outside, you will never understand what she is doing with her life. I'm trying to make sense of all of it though.. She's young and beautiful. She has the right to make the most out of it in any way she wants.

I just swear to God, if she ends up getting hurt because of Joe... I don't know. I just don't know.

P.S.:

I changed my blog music again. It's the fourth one now. First was She Is The Sunlight by Trading Yesterday, followed by May I by Trading Yesterday, then, Gone by Jim Chapell, now it's I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. Mainia introduced me to this song. I can't stop listening to it now. I can relate to the lyrics.

Off I go to munch on crackers.

Every Flower Has The Right To Be Called Beautiful.

Yesterday, I made an avatar in Ameba Pico. It's a virtual world game in Facebook where you get to decorate your own place and interact with other players from all over the world.

When creating my avatar,you have like,tons of choices on how you want your Pico to look like.You get to choose the skin color,eyes,hair,make up,and so on.

I've seen my friends' avatars before.They were all pale or creamy skin with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. For a change,I chose the darkest skin tone for my avatar. I also gave her black hair and black eyes. Guess what? She looked so pretty. :')

Anyway,my point is that I still don't understand why anyone would make a girl feel like she's not beautiful. Every girl is beautiful,in one way or another. That's what I believe in, that's why when I feel like pigging out on cakes or ice cream or chocolates when I'm feeling down and my friends don't want to go with me,I hate it. I hate it that they feel like they have to deprive themselves of something they truly deserve.

Now,don't get me wrong.I also feel "fat" and "ugly" sometimes,in fact, I was on my way home yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror and noticed that I gained weight. I passed a gym by the road and was thinking of signing up,but then again, I stood in front of a glass wall to check myself out. My hair was all messed up and my lip gloss was smudged,giving me that slight frown and my uniform was wrinkled.It was true,my stomach was sticking out a little,and I was starting to feel depressed. I decided I would start a diet but as soon as I did, my tummy came rumbling. I realized I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Immediately, I went to 7 Eleven and bought doughnuts and Coke. I forgot about the diet thing.

You know,there's nothing wrong with avoiding chocolates and pastries as long as it's all for the right reasons. But if your reason is "it makes me fat", that is not reason enough. If there is one thing that can cure a broken heart, that will be those sweets that you are trying so hard to ignore. I just want to say relax. Give in. You deserve that chocolate bar or that bag of chips every once in a while.

I don't even know why people like looking so much on the outside when there's more to see on the inside. Maybe that is human nature,but you know,no matter how physically attractive you are,if you have a rotten attitude and all you do is step on other people's feet just so you could stand taller,you are nothing but an empty box wrapped in fancy paper.

I know this may sound like a cliche,but let's face it.Most cliches speak the truth. I,for one,look past all the expensive make up and porcelain skin.No matter who or what you are-a mother,grandmother, student, vendor, nurse, teacher, plain housewife, bank teller, writer, laundry woman, household helper- as long as you have a heart that cares not only for yourself,but for your fellows, you are beautiful.

Today, I woke up with this one realization. This one phrase that I have been denying myself for God knows how long...

I am beautiful, yes I am. And YOU are,too.

I Look Deep In My Eyes...I've Never Felt So Alone.

So here's the thing, I came here to vent about my life,how sad and lonely and miserable I am. Now, I can't remember what I wanted to say earlier.

Anyway,the skies were really pretty today. It was cloudy and gray,mostly, but on my way home,the silhouettes of the mountains bordered the river view. It was sunset, part of the skies were pink and orange and teal, and then the mountains were just shadowy shades of blue. Lovely. Very.

I'm proud to say I'm slowly retreating out of my shell again,you know?Although sometimes it's still so hard,like when I'm happy,then I will remember him,then I will feel guilty for being happy. I scold myself,asking WHY ARE YOU HAPPY,YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. I don't know.

I'm very  thankful that I have my friends who never get tired of me.If not for them,I would have given up a long time ago.It just proves that I am lucky,in spite of all this sh*t that I am going through.

Anyway,I have some reason to be happy now.All's fine again with me and my Mom, and my grandma isn't mad about it like I thought she would be.Sometimes,people have to remind me how kind hearted my grandmother is.She deserves more than I give her credit for.

School's draining all the energy out of me.I swear I'm not going to live until graduation if we keep up with this crazy schedule.I sleep mostly at 2 or 3 am and wake up SO early.I feel like a zombie.Sometimes I find myself drifting off to sleep at the most random places/moments/situations.

I'm a bit disappointed cause I was supposed to go to Trinoma on the 22nd (Sunday) to meet up with Mainia and Ate Li to watch Vampires Suck, but Mainia found out that it wouldn't hit Philippine theaters until the 25th,so we moved the date to the 29th. Big sigh. My clothes were pressed,folded, and hung already,and now they'll be sitting on my closet for another week.I was so excited for that trip.

Lastly,I'm going crazy looking for gray boots right now. I am downright obsessed but they are so expensive and if I ordered now,it would take them until October to arrive.I cannot wait that long!I need to have those gray boots NOW.

Because I had a dream that I met Ashley Greene while I was wearing gray boots.I know,I know I'm crazy...I'm just chasing my dream. What have I got to lose,anyway? Plus I have always wondered what I would look like with boots on.

So you see,I feel lighter now than I have ever been in the past few posts.It feels so good to just lie on my own bed and think about stuff and have a good cry. I guess someday I will move on and smile completely without feeling guilty. Just not now.Not yet..

I'll Put His Picture Down And Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight.

 Tonight,I wanna cry.

But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.

This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.

I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.

I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.

C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and  I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...

Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.

If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.

Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.

See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.

It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.

So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.

I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.

If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.

I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.

That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...

And it kills me.

Slowly.

Painfully.

For You The Future's Easy,For Me It's Getting Steep

Your best friend says you are such a pushover.

You let people take what they want from you. You let people say what they want. You let people win cause you don't want to fight.

The love of your life dies. You need someone to hug you...Just one single hug. Someone hugs you,but simply,it's not enough.

You are ill,and she's not the right medicine to help you heal.

Your Mom doesn't know...Cause she works away from you,and when she does call and you're not busy enough with studies,and you have the time to answer,all she says is how hard it is to work,how her job kills her, how lonely she is. You want to tell her about how miserable you are feeling, knowing she might understand, cause she went through this too when your father died, but she says goodbye and ends the call right after she asks if you have eaten yet. You check the call time duration, your phone says 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Your sister doesn't care. She's not aware that you are always there for her...That you will always be. You love her more than anyone else in the family, but she doesn't feel the same for you. She knows... She knows your heart is hurting,but that isn't reason enough for her to really look at you and for once,make you feel like she feels responsible for you,too.

Your aunts don't notice. When you are home, they avoid looking you in the eyes. They don't know what's going on with your life outside the house,and it may hurt to admit,but they don't seem to care.As long as you graduate soon,work soon,bring home money soon...That's what their world revolves around.

Your garndmother is the most caring woman on the face of the planet.Still, you don't tell her. She doesn't want you to have a boyfriend just yet. You are nineteen years old. You want to tell her,but a lot is going on with her life right now,too,and you worry about her. She lost her brother,and she puts up a strong charade,just like you do,but you know that deep inside,every part of her is crushed to pieces--just like you.

You start showing your feelings,your friends start avoiding you. You feel like they cannot deal with your pain,with the pain of your loss because they are not on the same boat. You think to yourself what you would do if you were in their shoes and they were in yours. You answer, you would be there for them no matter what,to help them through it.

Your mind is filled with unhappy thoughts. You feel so alone-left alone,while the world keeps going on around you. Your abruptly stopped living while the rest of the world,even your so called friends, walk by...They walk past you and throw you one sympathetic glance, and then that's it. They go on with their lives as if you were never a part of it in the first place.Within days or a short week,you find out who your real friends are.

You feel the pain flooding your heart,tearing you to pieces. You want somebody to say you're fine like this, that you have the right to mope, to let your heart heal...But no one does.

You cry yourself to sleep,wishing you will one day wake up and see him smiling at you,telling you that you had a bad dream. You curl up into a ball, hide in dark corners, avoid everyone because you are scared you might lose them, too, if you let them see how broken you are.

Because no one wants a broken thing. They would have no use for them.

And that's what you are right now...Broken, useless.

Why Are We So Distant Now?

She sat by the door,craning her neck to watch the skies.


Tonight,the moon's chin was pointy and sharp,and part of its face was but a beautifully hidden shadow. A star shone brightly by its side,reminding the moon that it was not alone.


She was never the type to run away from problems.She was always one to believe that if she faced it earlier,she'd be out of it earlier.


Today,she ran away.


Not because she felt like giving up...But because she was scared she would not feel like giving up.



I'm just so confused...Why does she keep on trying to bend the truth? She told me what she thought: that I was brainwashed. That's what she always says. This was what I told her: I am not being brainwashed by anybody. I am old enough to know the truth and to choose what I should believe in.

Mom and I had a heated conversation on the phone.Well,they were only text messages cause I didn't answer her calls...Don't judge me just yet..I have my reasons.

When she lied to me face to face about her boyfriend,we didn't say anything.I've been trying so hard for so long to be happy for her,with her choices because she deserves to be happy,but why does her happiness always have to hurt us?

I just hate it when people lie to me. It always ends up badly when people tell lies. What's so wrong with the truth? Sure,it will hurt and it will not be always nice, but it will all come up eventually anyway,so why not just get it over with as soon as possible?

I just don't get people sometimes...We always make empty promises and say some words that mean nothing at all to us,when we know they mean the world to the people who receive them.I just want to get rid of all the complications we human beings make.They make life all the more difficult to live.

Like for example when we say "I am always here for you," we go wrong right there. You can't always be there for someone. You know that,at some point in time your lives will drift apart,or you would stop caring,or they will stop needing you.At some point in your lives things will change.They will take a turn for the better or for the worse--we don't know which will be which,but the point is,they will change with each passing of time.With every falling leaf. With every broken promise. With every hoping heart. With every lesson learned.

Now everytime someone tells me something,I catch myself wondering what is real and what is just added to make the story sound better.

People grow tired of believing,of trusting,hoping,and having faith when all the time they get deceived.

I am deceived of the truth. I've heard one too many empty promises.

I'm tired.

Love Is Stronger Than Death

Life is odd.

I mellowed down tonight and watched Griffin and Phoenix. It was all about doing whatever makes you happy while you are still alive. Pretty good, it made me cry.

Now,I'm waiting for "City Of Angels" to load on Youtube. Yes, it's 10:41 PM and the first part isn't even halfway loaded. It has 10 parts or so,if I am not mistaken.

Somewhere in here Mimi is playing The Sims 2. I'm not really sure where exactly she is right now,for all I know she might even be on the roof. She has this uncanny (I just want to use this word okay?) habit of dragging the laptop wherever she pleases. She came busrting out the bedroom door earlier to check on me. Apparently,I was sobbing loudly...Don't judge me,I wasn't aware.

I'm still super lonely but my friends are doing a very good job in distracting me from feeling the urge to lock myself in a dark room and cry.Maybe they are all conspiring against me.I really don't mind...It's nice to know that someone cares every once in a while.

There's Mainia and Ate Li,Ching,Ate Pat,Darcy and Mar and Ketty who never fail to remind me that I am not alone.I cannot thank them enough for putting up with me. There's Sofia and Leslie and Mailen and Ani and Rani and Lika and Yuannita and Lauren and Maddie and everyone else in between. Pretty pretty hearts...They make me feel loved. Then there's Yasmina and Monica.They save me...Day by painful day. I want you all to know how thankful and lucky I am for having you all in my life. I feel your presence lingering beside me.Whenever it gets too lonely,too dark,I think about you and I'm alright again.

I can't say I'm happy now. It's not that easy,but I am just starting to accept it.I think it's safe to say that I'm starting to heal and learning to let go of the things that hurt me...Not only him,but everything else.

It's not that I don't love you anymore...

It's just that I taught myself to stop caring about you. We fell down this hole and you helped yourself up and left me all alone.

If you think it's you,so be it.

C, I love you.With every single heartbeat.

Is It Even Worth It?

Whatever you love the most,you fear might be lost-you know it can change.Why do you look from left to right when you cross the street? Because you're afraid you might get run over. But you still cross the street.

I'm An Empty Cup.

Every day I write the book
And how the story changes,
The people come and go
The feelings stay the same

Tell me whats wrong
Show me the moon that I fell from
Help me to find where I belong,
Here on this earth

Its getting harder to return
All the lessons I have learned
The knowledge I have gained,
Somehow the tables turned

Was I lost out in space?
Was I looking to find an altered state
Wanting to save the human race?
Here on this earth

I weighted it down
Across my heart
But when I fell back
I had no start

I have to pretend
To make my amends
But I must admit

This was not my plan
This was not my plan
This was not my way at all
This was not my plan...

It's So Hard To Let Go.

It's unfair how the world keeps spinning when I am stuck in the past and cannot move on.

You know,I tell my friends I'm okay. I laugh and smile and try living my life,but only few of them notice my pretenses and are actually brave enough to call me up on it.

Truth is,I am nearly suicidal. These thoughts run in my head all day and I find myself weighing my options. Who would cry?Who would get hurt?Who would actually feel like I am feeling now?I don't think somebody loves me this much.

Some of my friends are avoiding me now... Maybe,they just don't know how to deal with me anymore... I would say it's fine,but it isn't.It hurts even more because I need them now,and they only turn around and walk away from me,because they do not know what to say,or they do not want to hear what I have to say.

What they don't know is I really have nothing to say.

I just need silence. A shoulder to cry on. A hand to hold while I fumble in the dark.

I don't need them to be sorry for me...I just want to know that they are here for me.

That's the hardest part of losing you. It feels like I have lost everything,too.

Or maybe,because you're all I really had,and I've been denying that to myself all this time.