Tonight,I wanna cry.
But my tearducts seem to finally dry with the last flow of tears. I'm still in pain,but I can't cry anymore. My eyes got tired,I guess.
This is so hard,but I promised myself that starting tomorrow,I will wake up with a big goofy grin on my face and go on with my life.I'm not going to force myself though...I will do it step by step.What matters is that I will stop moping around and being such a nuisance to the universe.
I'm letting go now...Not giving up.I know this is for the better,so I'm going to start explaining to myself that I am in reality,and that I have to deal with it sooner or later.I'm doing it now.Acceptance is the first step.
I will always have him in my heart forever.His name will be embossed there,and no one can ever take that away.I will remember him each time I look at the skies and watch the stars burn,and I will always long for those nights when we lay on the grass with our fingers laced together. There will always be this empty space in my heart that will long for him,ache for his love,but I will never let this pain beat me.
C, I miss you so much and I feel guilty when I'm happy when you are not here and you never will be,but I know you are watching over me somewhere,and I only want you too see beautiful things about me.I can conquer this.I have gone through the saddest part...
Aside from these sentiments, I am so confused right now.I got a phone call from my Mom,she bought us a new laptop and PSP and jewelry,and is booking a vacation to Baguio in December for us.
If you are a typical teenager,you might say "Wow,cool,yaddayaddayadda..." The thing is,I appreciate it,but that doesn't mean I'm happy.
Last Friday,we had a fight.It goes way way back,I sincerely can't remember,but it's one of those things that you keep pushing underwater but keeps floating back to the shore,if you know what I mean.
See,I told her to just forget my sister and I,in a very nice way cause I did not have the heart to talk to her harshly.I was on a bus,sending he text messages,crying.My lips were trembling. I told her everything I have buried deep inside me for so long.That she didn't prioritize us.That she had no time for us.That we were just an option for her.That she only talked to us when she had no one else to talk to.That she had no right to scream at us saying we live like we have no Mother when it was her who first went on living like she had no children.
It pained my heart to say those things to her but that was how I felt.All our lives,I said yes to everything just to make her happy and avoid arguments and confrontations.She told me that she loved us more than anything else and that she'd rather die than have us disown her.
So today she told me about all those things she bought for us.Her voice sounded so excited.I wanted to tell her not to do that but I couldn't,because I was afraid I would hurt her. The thing is,I haven't told my sister yet.
I feel like a bridge,you know?I want to connect the gap between my Mom and my sister. Rhiza kind of hates her right now. She wouldn't even talk to her. It's just so hard to be in my shoes right now cause I don't know what to do anymore,especially with all the other factors that I have to consider.
If I accept what Mom gives me,I might hurt my grandmother's feelings (they don't get along well) and my aunts might judge me. I don't know. If I don't accept it then I would hurt my Mom and she'd say I am brainwashed. See? I don't know where to place myself.
I just want all these stupid fights to end. They're childish and immature,and I want a normal life.Is that too much to ask?i'm thinking of talking to my grandmother and telling her that even though Mom hurts me,she's still my mother. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone at home in a note as serious as that.
That's the problem with us. We do not have an open communication...
And it kills me.
Slowly.
Painfully.
No comments:
Post a Comment