A Phrasing That's A Single Tear Is Harder Than I Ever Feared

Where do I begin,when every step is another cut to bleed,and every moment of waiting feels like an eternity?

How do I say I love you,I love you...When tears won't stop falling even before I have spoken?

I want to tell you how much it hurts seeing you like that... Lifeless, limp, unmoving... I cannot describe my pain enough,simply because even the deepest words cannot do it justice. It's terrible...The way I have to wait around,uncertain if you will even open your eyes again to witness the light of day.

I want you to know how I wish I could take away your sleep and claim it as my own,because I have been having sleepless nights ever since you fell into the trench of that mysterious slumber. They want me to give up on you. They want me to accept the fact that you are gone,or that you might be gone any minute now. But I can't...Who the hell can?

I talked to you again.This time,I told you about how much our friends were missing you and your silly pranks.I, for once, miss the way you would twirl my hair on your fingers,when it used to piss me off big time. The way you would show your dimpled cheek just so I would giggle and slap you playfully because you were bragging again. I miss those times a lot. It's just not the same...Never the same... I miss you..

Are you happy that I lay in your bed tonight,wishing you were here? I'm here... Hugging your pillow,because for now,it still smells like you...I'm wearing your favorite shirt,too. I hope you don't mind. You probably wouldn't...

I want you to know that I am in so much pain right now,but I still manage to smile...Because I do not want to worry my friends,or to make them see right through me.But this pain...it cuts deeper than a knife would cut an onion in halves.Every beep of your heart monitor somehow gives me hope...That you will wake up and see me standing over you,waiting. They say it's all in my dreams now,but for as long as you are willing to fight,then so am I...

Seeing you there,motionless,silent,well behaved...It was the last place I ever thought I'd be a few days ago.It was all so sudden,that until now,I find myself pinching my palm or biting my lips until they bleed--anything to feel the pain,to make sure that this is all real.I so badly want it to be a night mare I would later wake up from,I wish it's that easy...

But you...are gone now. Try as I might to keep lying to myself,part of me knows what the bigger possibility is. I wish I could sit beside you once more,like I usually did before,and then we would just stare at each other making funny faces. Those were the better days of my life that I never would forget. If there's a wish I could make right now,I just want to pound on your chest and curse at you while you laugh at me,and the way you pulled this perfect prank on me. I would call you a jerk but I wouldn't really mean it, and it would be another day with you. Another happy day with you...

You,C, are so unfair for putting me throug something as heavy as this is...I just...I want to break down and cry and just complain about everything...After all, a girl has the right to just be vulnerable, right? I do not have that with you. I can't break down and cry because that would mean my faith is falling apart.It's not...It never will...

Please hold on for as long as you can. you would hurt me too much if you give up this soon...I'm starting to prepare myself,and it's the hardest thing to do... How, how could I possibly chase the warmth of your pale,pale hands and just stand there, stand there...And ask you to let go...?Call me selfish... But I can't ask you to let go just yet..Not yet,C...not yet...


Where do I begin,when every step is another cut to bleed,and every moment of waiting feels like an eternity?