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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I'm Not Strong Enough To Carry On...


Thought I heard your voice yesterday.When I turned around to say that I loved you,I realized that it was just my mind,playing tricks on me...

I can't describe how I am feeling right now. One thing's for sure... I don't want to go to Twitter or Facebook for now, because I make my friends sad, and I don't like that at all...

I could always tell them that I am fine,but that would be a lie,and it will only make things more complicated. But if I could not tell them that,then what should I say? It's not only my heart that is breaking... Every part of my whole being is. My soul, my mind, maybe even my sanity... I cannot just pull them down with me in this cold dark prison...That would be too selfish...

It has been two days...Still, part of me wants to destroy everything--the flowers, the casket, the candle holders...everything. I want to scream and put up a fight and tell them that this is all wrong, that he is not dead, that it is not him... I want to be sure that I have done everything I can to make him stay. I just want to know that there really isn't anything I can do anymore...

Every time the skies are gray, I miss him. Today, the rain poured heavily, like my tears, washing away all the hope I had, the faith that I would never lose him. It hurts, and no one will ever understand my pain, because no one has to drag theirselves down in that aisle in between the pews, feet shaking, heavy body, to walk towards him, locked up in brass copper and glass, knowing it might be one of the last few times they would be able to see him...

I spent the afternoon in his bedroom in the apartment,and I could almost cut the air with a knife...The atmosphere was so thick and loneliness embraced me...It's just not the same without him...I sat in the middle of the empty room...Picturing him playing the piano where it used to sit in the corner... Remembering how messy his room always was...Missing the t-shirts and pieces of paper that always covered the floor...

And to think,this is not the hardest part. It's only just the start... I'm scared. How will my life get back to normal after I watch them bury him six feet under? I don't know if I will still be able to cry... it feels like I have run out of tears...I just feel so empty...Like a robot...

And I don't know how to go on with my life without him. For years...I have counted on him. I have leaned my head on his shoulder for all the times I cried...I laughed, got drunk, pushed him off the road. We rode bicycles together, bathed in a waterfall together, watched horror movies together, ate ice cream together... We did everything together... I can't do those things alone now without thinking of him and feeling the pang of pain hit me like a tsunami... It just hurts so much...

I don't know what to say anymore...I still wish to wake up tomorrow and find out that it all was just a bad dream,but I won't...And so i ask myself what I would be willing to give away to have him back...

And then I answer...

What wouldn't I? :'(

1 comment:

  1. Binibini,
    you are right, i won't understand how you feel cuz i've never been in the same situation...
    Don't ever think that you will make us sad by sharing your feelings... i will be more sad if you don't!!!

    I won't be too worried about you ...just buzz me when you need me kay...

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