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Monday, August 23, 2010

I Know You're Tired.


And so am I.

I read this blog today, and honestly, these exact words describe how I am feeling now.

Just because I appear happy on some days doesn't mean that I am completely over the pain. Most of the time I go hiding what I truly feel just so I would not ruin someone else's day. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to place myself.

Rolando Mendoza held a bus full of tourists hostage today. Many of them died. They were innocent people who had nothing to do with him or his problems, and they died. They were probably people who were taking a break from life. People who had spouses and children waiting for them back home, but are now waiting for corpses.

So I told myself, if only I could have been there,I would have given my life in echange for someone else's. Someone who had the utmost will and drive to live. Someone who will never waste the chance if it were given to him or her.

Ate Liahn got mad at me for saying that.


I know she only cared for me, but I couldn't help but be hurt, too, even though it was true that I was being selfish. We had different views, you know? I tried to understand her point, though, so I apologized. She did not send me any reply... I guess that confirms that she's mad.

Honestly, it's okay with me. I don't want anyone to worry about me anyway...I just wish they would believe me when I say I'm fine. I'm okay, that's what they want to hear in the first place.

Even though my heart is breaking every single time I reach out fo your empty desk beside mine. No one would know the pain that rips me in two when a ray of sunshine hits the window sill and I look for your eyes immediately because they used to reflect the light all the time.

I know my friends are tired of me being all mopey and lonely, but what can a girl do? If only I could just tell my mind to shut up and stop thinking about you, I would. But that is impossible for now. I need time. I need time to heal and to grieve and to cry whenever I want to because it makes me feel better. But it affects everyone when I do, so I decided to just go on pretending everything's okay. Maybe then no one will hate me anymore. I already asked Mimi to never talk about me to anyone,too. It will be easier if no one else knows.

I wish you were here now. I miss your scent that carries me to sleep,to endless beautiful dreams. As time passes by, I find myself thinking what it would feel like to be with you again. I wish I had the courage to follow you but that would not make you happy, would it?

But what else can I do? I feel like a big failure here.

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