My Hero:"Dad"

Vividly,I see you in my dream.You were there,you are here.I wish I could feel you..before you drift away..

I was never a daddy's girl.When he was alive,my father was the authority in our home.What he says,we do.That used to be the situation.

As a child who never really grew up with my parents,I was afraid of him.I was informally adopted by my grandmother since I was two,that's how I like to put it.

When I was young,my father used to walk me out in the streets.He was a young father.He had me when he was 18,I guess.He would always ask me if I want some "sorbetes" (ice cream) and I would say yes,thinking he was offering me beer ("serbesa").I loved those days with him,we were nearly always apart with him working in Manila,he only went home every once in a while and I really missed him a lot when he was away.

Coming home from work,he would always buy me things like pencils and rulers which made me happy.I was a bright child so he always bought me school supplies.

When I was eight,Mom went to work abroad.My sister and I were left to my grandmother's care,since Dad spent most of his time going from one place to another,what he did,I didn't know,or maybe I didn't want to know.He would go home carrying grocery bags for us to consume.One time,he took us to the cinema to watch E.T.That's one real reason why I like that movie.It's the only memory I have of us ever going out as a family.

We often visited my mother's parents when we have time.Even if I was just a child,I was never oblivious to the tension between Dad and my grandfather.They do not like each other,I supposed.On one of our visits,I accidentally read a letter addressed to my uncle.It was from my mother.It almost made me cry when I read it,but I tried hard to stop the tears and I succeeded.She was detailing how my father spent the money she sent us on other women and vices.It was like my father was labeled very bad,and it hurt me.It hurt me to know that my parents' marriage is on the verge of breaking down and I could only do nothing.

After that incident,I was a wreck.I didn't talk to anyone about it,and it felt heavier on my chest as time ticked by.

When I was in sixth grade,we came to live again in our almost forgotten house with Dad.I never spoke to him directly unless he was asking me a question.Whenever I have school projects or whatever it is I need,I asked my sister to tell him.That was how our lives were.I knew he was there,yet I didn't seem to care.

I graduated from Elementary with honors and he was the one to go on stage with me.I've got six medals,and I knew he was beaming with pride.I'm happy that he was proud of me.I took the High School entrance exam in CLSU and of all my friends who took the exam,I was the only one to pass.He was very proud of me that day.

The only thing he said that I couldn't get off my head was that whoever takes interest on me should face him first.That very moment,I felt protected.I was able to tell myself that I had a father.

One night,he went home drunk.We were hopping into bed when he asked for a goodnight kiss.We politely obliged and he asked me to make him a coffee.I did.Being drunk that he was,he talked nonsense and started shouting at us.I was really scared.He got into a fight with my aunts,and my aunts took us away,fearing that we might have trauma.That day,I swore to myself that I'll strive hard to be a nurse someday.I was very mad at him that if he would get sick because of drinking and chain smoking,I'd be snob enough not to treat him.I felt tears running down my cheek and I felt stronger when I wiped them away.

A month passed and we haven't talked to him.He came to my grandmother's house begging us to come home with him as he was getting lonely.My grandmother begged us too,to give him another chance for he is our father after all.Scared,we said no.

The next day,he asked us again.We said no again,and he went away drinking with his friends.That night,as I was eating my dinner,a neighbor rushed into my grandmother's house saying my father got into an accident.For a minute,I didn't move.I felt my eyes get hot and suddenly,tears were streaking my face.My aunts went to the scene and left us at home.I sat there staring at my food while our neighbors said everything would be fine.I believed them.

On his second day at the hospital,my family were going to visit.I wanted to go but I have a major exam that day so I wasn't able to go.The day quickly passed and I was going home again.I can still remember the song playing in the radio as I was on my way home.It was "Broken Vow" by Lara Fabian.I could relate to the lyrics and it made me want to cry.

As I walked down the street,I could feel eyes staring at me.In those eyes,I could see pity.I had the idea running in my head but I kept denying it.He's alright,I told myself.What made me more suspicious was when our family's friend asked me to come with her on our house-my father's house.I asked her why.She said just because.I obliged and soon enough,I can see it.I saw the men struggling to plant the bamboo poles in the ground.I saw the chairs and tables all lined up.I saw my grandmother crying.I ran to her,throwing my stuff on the ground.I cried,but I found no comfort.It was my fault.And he was gone.

All these time,I never have forgiven myself for causing my father's death.Although we didn't have a strong bond,we didn't have the chance to be a daughter and a father to each other,deep inside me,in my blood,in my mind,in the punctured hole through my chest,I loved him.I love him.I wouldn't ask for a different father if I'd have a chance to have one again.He is my hero.he might have not been showy about it,but he loved me,he loved us.He gave us what we needed.He never laid a hand on me.He had always been proud of me and I didn't see that.All I saw was my grief over our miserable family.I never thought about how it might have been hurting him too.I felt awful,I still do.Everytime I see my grandmother's defeated expression for the lost of her favorite son,her only son that she loved so much,I feel guilty.Everytime I see my sister,all I think about is the fact that I took away the father she had always needed.I blame myself for not coming home when he asked me to.I wish I wasn't so stubborn.I wish I could have been there when he needed me the most.I wish I was there in the hospital during the last moments of his life.I wish I was able to ask him to come home with us.I wish I've had the chance to take him home.I wish I said I love him.Things might have been different..