Truth Was Injected In The Cliche

When you love someone as much as I love Alice, it wouldn't matter if she's causing you pain. It wouldn't matter if you know you're waiting for nothing. When you really love someone, Edward, you'll wait. Even if it takes forever.

 -Jasper Whitlock in The Day You Said Goodnight (FF)

I've just finished writing this chapter for my fanfiction, and I initially thought I was making Jasper too sappy or too much like a loser, but then I realized the truth in his words (that I invented).

It may sound like a cliche, like it came out of a movie character's lips, but that's reality. If you really love someone, you'd be willing to wait for them, even if it means pushing your own happiness aside, you would, just so you could cater to the wishes of the person you love.

Waiting, I know, is not one of my talents. When God showered the world with patience, I was hiding under a roof, so nothing rubbed off on me. You could ask anyone about my patience, and their answer, I'm pretty sure, would be that it is non-existent.

This is why the very minute I finished typing that line, I confronted myself: if I was ever put in the same situation, would I have said the same thing? Truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I would be patient enough to wait for love with no assurance. I've always been impulsive, jumping and falling without knowing what's waiting down below has never been a problem to me. I am a risk taker, but when that risk involves possible emotional pain, I back out.

Funny how it seems, a strog girl like me who could endure endless (no, just kidding) physical pain would chicken out when it comes to love. I am well aware that love itself is a risk, but I have the tendency to be depressed for days just because of one flicker of emotional pain. Maybe that's why none of my past relationships worked. I like being committed and having someone there, but as soon as insecurity strikes, I quit.

I wish I could change myself, but as much as I want to, I wouldn't. Maybe this would sound selfish, but doesn't it feel great to have someone who loves you for exactly who you are?

For once, I have waited, and I was right.

There's someone in this world who's looking for me--for the girl that is me exactly. No conditions, no additions, no subtractions. Just the plain old little me. And that, I could say, is totally worth the wait.

Map

I'm trying to be happy. Well, if I am honest, I am happy.

There are those moments in our lives when we could just smile to ourselves while looking back in the past, reminiscing all the troubles and heartaches we've been through, and then suddenly putting up all the pieces together, and finally we could tel ourselves, "ah, so that was how it was supposed to be."

You know that feeling when you've cracked all the passwords up and you've got all your cards together, that moment when the things you didn't understand in the past suddenly make sense? That moment, everything's complete. You've finally figured out why things went this or that way, because you're now living the best life you ever could.

I'm in that state now. Most of the torn fabrics of my past dwellings and battles have come together to build me a map so as to let me know where I am headed. It should be bliss, but I am scared.

See, unlike others who strive so hard to reach the top,be the best, all I ever aimed for was to just be me. I have never dreamed of being so rich,in fact, what I really want is a small cottage in the middle of a really large garden. Just that. I am never praying for a mansion or a palace. All I want is happiness. That's why I'm scared, cause I am happy.

Have you ever heard of that saying, that when you are up, there's no other way to go but down? I've always lived up to that phrase. Today, I'm feeling like it's the best day of my life and I hate it cause I'm scared that tomorrow will not be as good. I don't even know if someone gets my point,and frankly,I don't care,but I need someone to understand, because sometimes,knowing that you are not alone is a big deal.

But what can I do, except to accept this pure happiness that life is offering me? I mean, it's no return, no exchange anyway. Life works like that. Nothing beter will come out of it if I refuse to grab this moment.

So...Hey LIFE, I'm all good, and I'm siezing the moment. Thanks <3

Book: Ghost Girl

So, I've been reading this book to pass the time. It's called Ghost Girl by Tonya Hurley.

It's about a teenager, Charlotte Usher, who's always ignored in school. As far as I know she might as well be invisible,since nobody acknowledges her presence, and when she died (she choked on a gummy bear) it's like nobody even cared.

I don't know why, but this just reminds me of Yasmina. Don't get me wrong, okay? I don't understand why it seems to me like when Tonya wrote the book,she had Yas in her mind, mainly because what was written is exactly like what Yas is always thinking of herself: unnoticed, alone..Something like that. Charlotte Usher feels like that.All she ever wanted was to fit in,to stand out for a change.

I don't have much to say about the book. I'm not done reading it yet. But so far, it's good. It's just...unreal, cause she became a ghost and things like that, but it has so many things to say. Teens should really read it.

• I was about to sleep,but being the obsessed fan that I am, I creeped into Andrea Kelley's Twitter first, only because I love her so much. Then, as I was browsing through her tweets, I saw her video which made me want to blog.

First of all, let me say thank you, Andrea, if ever you're reading this. These past few days, I have been feeling lonely and unloved, and it once came across my mind that maybe if I had been born pretty enough, taller, smarter... I thought maybe more people would love me.

You know what,though? I incidentally faced a medical crisis. I haven't been able to go on Twitter for days (do I have to get a life?), and when I went on it again, I saw that there are so many people who love me for who I am, not for what I can give or who I should be. And then I saw your video.

What I'm trying to say is that you are right.I don't know,but I want to ask, do you even know how much help you are giving to girls like me,just by saying those words? I bet you know that every single day, teens commit suicide and hurt theirselves because they think they are not good enough,but truth is, everyone is beautiful,we just have to tell ourselves that we are,and then it would show.

I didn't even know it was possible,until today,to love you more and more each passing day.You are so incredible,really.You give me reasons to believe that life truly is beautiful,just like you.In your video,you said I am the most beautiful person I would ever know.I beg to differ,but I think YOU are the most beautiful person ever,for making us all see that real beauty can never be seen with the eye.

ANATOMY OF ANDREA KELLEY

Eyes that can see the very best in people.

Ears that listen to our problems and worries without judgment,with the intention of providing comfort and reassurance afterwards.

Lips that always speak the truth and can offer us an intellectually stimulating conversation whenever we need one.

Arms that can wrap her loved ones in a warm,big hug at the end of a really bad day.

Feet that can walk with all of us towards our dreams without forgetting her own.

A heart that's compassionate and caring,not only towards her family and friends,but towards other people (and even animals) as well.

That makes you the most beautiful person alive, Andrea. ;)

P.S.: I really love your hair. Did you style it, or was that naturally "just got up from bed" looking?

Anyway, this ends here. I absolutely definitely truly madly deeply love you. Not as gay as it sounds.

The world needs more Andrea Kelley. <3 <3

It's The Things We Have To Bear That Shape Us

All I really want to do is to turn into the person they think I am.

Seann,the easy go lucky.

Seann,the life of the party.

Seann,the optimist.

Then again,if I become who they want me to be-what would happen to Seann,the real me?

I'm being caged again. I feel like I am stereotyped and expected to be stable all the time. You know,when you go on pretending to be fine all the time,you get so used to it that sometimes you even start to convince yourself.

I hate it.

I hate being put inside a box. I hate it that they expect me to be in a good mood all the time.

Have people forgotten that I too,am human? That as much as I don't want to, I need to sleep, eat, and clean myself up, just like them?

This feeling....the quiet sound of my heart breaking inside my chest,the numbness that follows shortly after,and then that creepy stinging sensation that occurs afterward-no one hears or feels them but me. I once again confronted myself: what's wrong with me? Why is it that people leave just when you need them the most?

"I'm okay." I'd usually lie. Deep inside,I'm hoping someone would say "I know you are not,and I am here for you," or just give me a hug without a word,instead of letting me get away with my little lie.Sometimes, it helps to know that someone cares enough to see past the barriers I build to separate myself from the world just because their hearts can't bear to even think of me,hurt, alone, crying.

Maybe I am supposed to live like this-a nomad. I'd like to think I have a decent bunch of friends who care whether I have eaten my breakfast or studied for my Math quiz the next day,but if I am completely honest, I don't think I do. But sure, there are some who do care,but they are to busy licking wounds of their own to accommodate me and the drama that never seems to get tired of following me around.Either that,or I've completely gone out of my mind and created these friends in my imagination with shadows.I don't know what's real anymore.

All I know is that when you truly care for someone,the moment they talk about something that's bothering them,you stop whatever it is you're doing to make sure they're okay.Maybe not even stop--just let them know that you're listening.Let them know that they have you.You might not know it,they're tongues might not be able to spell it out for you,but their souls-they're longing for someone.They're longing for you.

Put it this way-you go on ranting about how gloomy your life is and you know they can hear you but they do not even ask if you're okay,but instead,continued with whatever it is they're talking about as if you don't exist,how would you feel? Terrible. Trust me, I know. I know what it feels like to wander in my friends' own little world where I do not seem to belong or blend in,and day by day it gets clearer to me that I really don't,and I never will.When people created fairy tales of their own and you are not a character in their story,would you even try forcing yourself in it?

Doing what's good for someone else occasionally means doing something that is bad for you.That's what friendship means.That's what love means,too.In order for them to remain happy,I took a step back and watched them shine,even if my heart was breaking because for once,just for once,I wanted to be included in the picture.I wanted to see my name when the end credits rolled,but that was their moment,and if I brought my problems to share with them,I would have ruined the whole scene.

The problem is,I'm tired.I'm tired of saying I'm okay,because I am scared that with saying that lie too often, I would one day wake up and find that I too,am convinced with my pretenses.If that happens,I'd be losing myself,and all this time of clinging onto that teeniest bit of what was left of the real me would be wasted.

Although I've been feeling like this for as long as I could remember,I never did ask anyone why they unconsciously kicked me out.Why I didn't ask--I still do not know.One thing's for sure though,it had less to do with me not caring enough than with me not wanting to hear the answer.

We did not even say goodbye.I don't know where exactly I am at in their lives right now,and as much as I would love to pretend that everything's alright,I can't.Just because we do not use a name for something does not mean it isn't there.One big proof of this separation is the pain I am feeling right now.It never left me since last night.

I guess life rolls like this.Everytime I'm down,I tell myself that there are so many people in the world who go through worse day by day,but they manage to survive.It's either you let the waves toss you back to shore,or you swim against the current to be able to go where you have set your will upon.No matter how hard it is,I'm learning.I feel like I don't belong anywhere,but I'm learning. By being the third wheel, I'm learning. I'm learning a lot of things,and one of them is how the things that we have to bear,shape us,mold us into a better person we never thought we could be.

I Wish I Live Inside A Snowglobe

This post was written last April 28,2010 in my personal journal. I'm posting this here for future reading purposes,just that. I do not mean to offend anyone.

Under Your Wing , Take me Home To My Dreams

The stars are never far enough for us to reach.

I have always been a dreamer. Oftentimes,I would lie awake in my bed in the wee hours of the night,dreaming about the future I was born into. It makes me scared,but all at the same time,it makes me hopeful.

It's never a sin to dream. We could have our own heaven on Earth just by dreaming. And with a lonely broken heart,that's what I usually do.

 My dreams vary. Most of them are just blurred sequences of what my subconscious self is always wishing for. Sometimes, I dream of dancing with the dandelions. Sometimes, I dream of watching the sunset. Oftentimes, I dream of going to Europe and ending this pain.

They have always provided me with a nice and easy escape from the harsh reality. When I'm dreaming,there are no vast oceans and seas. Heaven and Earth are not miles apart, and people could sleep on clouds or play among the stars. In my dreams, there's a huge rainbow arched above my roof, and  as a bridge it serves,connecting the gap between our lands.

My heart...It has always been pretending to be numb. For so long, I kept on ignoring this pain I'm feeling inside. But now,it's a throbbing ache that renders me sleepless nights.

I force myself to close my eyes and drift off to oblivion,to that only place where I could meet  them.Temporarily, my heart would smile again. And the pain that sears through my whole body would be gone in a snap of a finger, for there they will be,standing in front of me. There we will be, sitting on a perfect shaped log, surrounded by the greenest grass, with wildflowers blown by the wind, together with our hair.   The sunset will paint the sky a marvelous pink, and it's beauty will reflect in a lake. Dancing,  the trees will be dancing, and we will hear the birds chirp.

....We will tell each other stories, and soon enough,our laughter will fill the air...

And I would wake up, certain with myself that if only I could have that dream,I would sleep for eternity.

Hanging By A Flimsy Thread

There's a purpose to this pain inside...

I've been listening a lot to this song lately. It has been my medication cause my girls are barely around anymore. I'm not blaming anyone,nor am I mad... Is it bad to miss them this much?

Life hasn't changed a lot these days. I've joined Youth Camp and my faith was strengthened but that doesn't imply that I  could now be labeled as a Saint,believe me,I'm not on that road.

I still make mistakes,I judge people easily like they judge me,maybe.What has changed is the way I look in life. I have known that there are more to a story than two sides. That when you love,naturally,you'll get hurt, and whatever comes, goes. That's the way life is,and I have no right to question God with whatever is happening in my life. Sure,He lets these things happen, but in the end,whose decisions are these,anyway ? Mine. So I am the one to blame,cause I was made with free will and clear understanding.

 I have made new friends again. But no one could ever compare to them,to what the three of us have. It's easy to say I'm waving goodbye,but believe me,it's easier said and done. No matter how hard I try,I could never leave them cause they have been a part of my puzzle. Without them,I wouldn't feel complete.Ever.

I once said that I was feeling lost again. The good thing about losing things is that you have a chance to look for them,and find them,eventually if you try hard enough. That's what I did. I found yet again that vital piece of myself that I keep on losing,dropping to the muddy battle grounds. All I could say is that I never gave up. I always try to say  farewell,but at the and of I day,they'd see my silhouette, saying hello,like nothing ever happened.

That's what we are. Nothing can ever come in between the three of us. We have only known each other for three months,more or less,but it feels like a lifetime. All my life, I have been looking for them,I just didn't know it until they were standing in front of me. Now that I have them and everything is right, I'm never walking away.

Maybe We're Trying Too Hard.

Have I mentioned how strange it is that one single moment can make a whole lifetime change course forever?

When you feel like there's no more hope left for you....How would you even fight? When you feel like you can't stand up anymore?

Life has its annoying way of turning everything upside down. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse,it would. But trust me when I say this...Every drop of rain is worth the beam of sunlight that will shine through your windows the next day.

It's funny how from the simplest of things,we find the most valuable ones.It feels rather strange that three months ago,I thought I was complete. I thought I had all the friends I could live with,and the people I couldn't live without. But fate has its plans, and I met people who are now the most precious ones for me.

They say for each time you are happy,you'd have to be ready for the sadness that would come next.I believe in this,and as for now,I am in a raging storm.

I've lost a vital part of myself. I've lost the person that I am only when I'm talking to them. Now I'm gone,and I don't know how to catch up,cause I feel so left out.

One thing's for sure: I miss them so much.It's like doing things with only one hand when I'm without them.I feel incomplete and uncomfortable, and I feel so helpless.

We've gone through a lot,but this one's killing me. Still, I try so hard to hide the pain,cause it's enough for me to see them happy,even without me.What benefit would it give me if they were to see my pain,right?I'll only make it hard for them...and that's what I am avoiding to happen.

It touches my heart when I see that they're still talking about me,writing about me.After all,it just means that they don't forget me totally. Somehow, just one simple sign of affection melts down all my defenses.I guess I was made this way: human, fragile,with emotions.

For so long,we have been fighting for what we have. Sometimes I could not help but ask if it is worth it. Maybe it is. maybe we're trying to hard to fix what was broken, but you know what? I'd rather bleed in trying,than just do nothing,but inside,feel like dying.

Holding On To His Words...

I attended a Youth Camp this May 3rd-6th, held in Holy Joy Church, Carranglan, Nueva Ecija.

If I am honest, I would say,at first I was so eager to get out of that camp,because it was so boring. The moment I saw the schedule,I asked myself, "What have I gotten myself into?".

Unlike any other camp,it was rather strange,initially. They shouted their prayers and everybody started getting hysterical when they speak in tongue. I will admit it: I was scared. All I could ever think of was how time dragged slowly by,as I watched the clock's hand tick away. I was lonely.

If you would read my journal entries earlier on the camp,all I wrote about was how I wanted to be home right at that moment. And then we started having Group Bible Studies or GBS sessions. That was how it all started.

You see,I am not an atheist,but I was never a firm believer.All I knew was that God loves me,and I always thought that was enough for my soul to be saved. But through our GBS sessions and with the help of my GBS Leader and Subleader [Rea and Joseph], I have learned that it was not enough.It was never enough that I knew that He loves me.

Oftentimes at night,I would lie awake on my bed and feel empty. I would cry without reason, and even though people envy me for leading an almost perfect life,i have always known that something was missing. I never thought I would find that missing piece in this Youth Camp.

I have learned that to be saved, I must believe in God's every word,and never doubt Him, because only He knows what's true and what's righteous.I used to be a senorita. I used to be bossy and moody. I used to commit mistakes carelessly,knowing that if I ask for His forgiveness,He would forgive me. CBA Youth Camp helped me understand that He is hurting too,everytime I betray Him.Of course I already knew that,but frankly,I didn't care.Now,I do.

CBA Youth Camp taught me that nothing is impossible with Him. Before,I would mumble to Him what I was asking for,and then let the demons whisper in my mind that He would never hear me.Earlier this day,I was cynical. Miss Anna wanted to help us receive the Holy Spirit and the gift of speaking in tongue,but I never believed I would actually receive them.

We started to pray,and again,I mumbled Filipino words silently.because I did not want anyone to hear me. I thought it was embarrassing, but Miss Anna came behind me and said, "You already received it." I looked at her and she asked, "Do you believe?"

I said yes,and started speaking in tongue.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I continued praying,using strange sounds no one understood but my spirit.Even I did not know what I was saying,what I was praying for.Suddenly, I believed. It was my spirit---the Holy Spirit that dwells upon me,and God---who were talking at that moment.

Now I'm back home,and I could not believe how my life was altered in 4 days.I could not believe that I actually miss being in the camp--the people roaming around,the Koreans having fun in the river, the times Pastor or Kuya Yoyoy would come knocking on our door,asking us to hurry up for the Worship Services,and falling in line for food,taking a bath, washing the dishes and brushing our teeth. It was so much fun and I feel light and happy. It was one refreshing experience.

As we said our goodbye to out new friends, we shook hands and they said "it was nice meeting you", I answered with "see you next year", for surely.I'd be more than happy to join again next year.

In my journal,for so many times,I wrote "All I want to be is home". Now I realized...Wherever I am,as long as I'm with God, I'm home.