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Sunday, May 16, 2010

It's The Things We Have To Bear That Shape Us


All I really want to do is to turn into the person they think I am.

Seann,the easy go lucky.
Seann,the life of the party.
Seann,the optimist.

Then again,if I become who they want me to be-what would happen to Seann,the real me?

I'm being caged again. I feel like I am stereotyped and expected to be stable all the time. You know,when you go on pretending to be fine all the time,you get so used to it that sometimes you even start to convince yourself.

I hate it.

I hate being put inside a box. I hate it that they expect me to be in a good mood all the time.

Have people forgotten that I too,am human? That as much as I don't want to, I need to sleep, eat, and clean myself up, just like them?

This feeling....the quiet sound of my heart breaking inside my chest,the numbness that follows shortly after,and then that creepy stinging sensation that occurs afterward-no one hears or feels them but me. I once again confronted myself: what's wrong with me? Why is it that people leave just when you need them the most?

"I'm okay." I'd usually lie. Deep inside,I'm hoping someone would say "I know you are not,and I am here for you," or just give me a hug without a word,instead of letting me get away with my little lie.Sometimes, it helps to know that someone cares enough to see past the barriers I build to separate myself from the world just because their hearts can't bear to even think of me,hurt, alone, crying.

Maybe I am supposed to live like this-a nomad. I'd like to think I have a decent bunch of friends who care whether I have eaten my breakfast or studied for my Math quiz the next day,but if I am completely honest, I don't think I do. But sure, there are some who do care,but they are to busy licking wounds of their own to accommodate me and the drama that never seems to get tired of following me around.Either that,or I've completely gone out of my mind and created these friends in my imagination with shadows.I don't know what's real anymore.

All I know is that when you truly care for someone,the moment they talk about something that's bothering them,you stop whatever it is you're doing to make sure they're okay.Maybe not even stop--just let them know that you're listening.Let them know that they have you.You might not know it,they're tongues might not be able to spell it out for you,but their souls-they're longing for someone.They're longing for you.

Put it this way-you go on ranting about how gloomy your life is and you know they can hear you but they do not even ask if you're okay,but instead,continued with whatever it is they're talking about as if you don't exist,how would you feel? Terrible. Trust me, I know. I know what it feels like to wander in my friends' own little world where I do not seem to belong or blend in,and day by day it gets clearer to me that I really don't,and I never will.When people created fairy tales of their own and you are not a character in their story,would you even try forcing yourself in it?

Doing what's good for someone else occasionally means doing something that is bad for you.That's what friendship means.That's what love means,too.In order for them to remain happy,I took a step back and watched them shine,even if my heart was breaking because for once,just for once,I wanted to be included in the picture.I wanted to see my name when the end credits rolled,but that was their moment,and if I brought my problems to share with them,I would have ruined the whole scene.

The problem is,I'm tired.I'm tired of saying I'm okay,because I am scared that with saying that lie too often, I would one day wake up and find that I too,am convinced with my pretenses.If that happens,I'd be losing myself,and all this time of clinging onto that teeniest bit of what was left of the real me would be wasted.

Although I've been feeling like this for as long as I could remember,I never did ask anyone why they unconsciously kicked me out.Why I didn't ask--I still do not know.One thing's for sure though,it had less to do with me not caring enough than with me not wanting to hear the answer.

We did not even say goodbye.I don't know where exactly I am at in their lives right now,and as much as I would love to pretend that everything's alright,I can't.Just because we do not use a name for something does not mean it isn't there.One big proof of this separation is the pain I am feeling right now.It never left me since last night.

I guess life rolls like this.Everytime I'm down,I tell myself that there are so many people in the world who go through worse day by day,but they manage to survive.It's either you let the waves toss you back to shore,or you swim against the current to be able to go where you have set your will upon.No matter how hard it is,I'm learning.I feel like I don't belong anywhere,but I'm learning. By being the third wheel, I'm learning. I'm learning a lot of things,and one of them is how the things that we have to bear,shape us,mold us into a better person we never thought we could be.

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