In Memory Lane...Again.

Look at this photograph...Every time I do it makes me laugh...

I'm toying with memories of the past again.That's so typical of me,I know.I just can't help it.

It's so hard to believe that so many years have passed,and so many things have happened already.My heart still feels young,like I'm still eight or ten,or maybe,fourteen. Back then,I was so eager to grow up and be a woman,have a husband and kids,a home to call my own, and go and visit my parents on Holidays. Now that I am close to that, I am not so sure anymore.

That's the problem with me.I change my mind a lot.I'm always uncertain... One day,I wanted to be a teacher. And then I woke up taking Food Technology in High School, and suddenly felt that I wanted to be a chef. I still want to be a chef,but I am just wondering... What if there's more to life than dreams and the future?

We keep worrying about the future.This I know,for on the rare occasions that I go out of the house to visit some neighbors, what they always talk about is the fact that they have no more rice to cook for tomorrow, or that the kid might be going to school with no lunch money. The funny thing is, they only talk about it; they never do anything to change their fates.

Anyway,enough of that,I guess. So why am I playing with memories again? Because I am so stressed right now,I don't know what to do. I have lots of things going on in my mind, and the past is the safest place for me to hide. I just miss running barefoot on what used to be a narrow dirt path in front of our house, or build haystacks in the rice fields during harvest season. I never get to do those things anymore. For one, I am too old for those, and two, I actually have no time.

When I was little I would feel like a princess, riding on a carriage that was pulled by a carabao. My grandfather owned a carabao, he still does. Those carriages were made to transport the rice sacks from the middle of the fields to the side of the road. It was so much fun, I felt free.

I guess I made these memories my sanctuary because I only remember what I want to remember. I find comfort in knowing that once when I was a child, classes were suspended because there was a storm. For three days,we stayed indoors with no electricity. I used to collect candle wax and round it up into a ball,then used a match stick for a wick. When the sun came up again one August afternoon, I was so happy to be outside the house again that I immediately went to play in the backyard. We had a papaya tree there, where I found a golden tortoise beetle. I loved golden tortoise beetles, and the colors they would project when hit by the sun.

I wish I had a photograph of all those precious moments when we all smiled and tackle hugged each other. They say photographs are good because they never change even if the people in them do, but don't they realize that photographs fade,too? That's why I rely on my memories. They are not that vivid now, I might get the faces wrong, but I clearly remember the exact emotions I felt during those days. No more,no less... And I wouldn't be lying to myself.