Vulnerable

Hello schmello.

It's 9:40 PM and I'm wide awake. It's not good,really.

I promised myself I'd never stay up again,but boo,you know me. I often break promises. Maybe that's why I hate them.

Anyway,I'm feeling really sad right now. I don't even know why, I mean I was perfectly fine earlier, until I decided to write at around 6 PM.

What I was writing was a chapter of my fanfiction wherein Edward kisses Alice and Jasper sees them. Basically, it was told on Jasper's point of view, so I had to speak of his pain and anger. Here's a piece of advice that you really should take from me: if you are writing based on experience,you should be ready to feel the pain all over again once you recall whatever happened.

I injected my pain in Jasper's character. I breathed in him everything I felt when the same thing happened to me,and surprisingly enough,I ended up crying more tears than I would have expected.I knew at some point that it would somehow make me cry,but I never,for God's sake,I never expected to bawl my eyes out like it all just happened yesterday.Writing about it felt like scratching the scar and letting the wound bleed once again, cause honestly,back then,I had no one to talk to about the incident,so I was forced to keep it all inside-my pain,my story,the words I could have said,my frustration.I dealt with all of those by myself,and now, writing Jasper like he was I,it just felt like talking to an old pal about my burden.It's comfortable,and it made me cry hard because finally,there was a release.

One more thing, listening to mellow music was like putting salt to the wound,if you get me.Especially when it's Taylor Swift,God,that girl had it all. She sang exactly the words that would not escape my lips,and boy did that tear me up.

So...in all honesty,I didn't finish writing the chapter cause I'm a softy. Maybe tomorrow I would be able to handle it if I'm strong enough to face my own questions.I never thought a fanfiction could dig this deep into my soul that for a moment, it felt like I was writing an autobiography instead of a fiction.