If there is one four letter word that is stronger than love,it's supposed to be HOME.
Home,you are supposed to be my fortress,but why does it seem like you are the dungeon I am locked in? You are supposed to shield me from the painful blows of life,but instead,you give me the wounds that take the longest to heal.I don't know if I am safe in you...
Why do we like to hurt so much? Is it not obvious yet that I am too sensitive about this family issue that you don't even realize how much pain it causes me when we talk about it? I wish I could bury the bad memories that I have,so that I can just go on with my life with nothing holding me back. Each time we look back, I cry... Not because it hurts me,but because of the knowledge that it hurts you,too,but you look back anyway...
I wish I could ask you to just forget it and move on.I wish we were actors,so that we could just pretend that it was all acting,like it was a bad comedy that did not make people laugh.But it was all real,and try as we might to conceal the agony,the pain is still there.It lingers...
I wish you knew...I wish you could hear me sob silently each night.You have no idea what I am going through,even after all these years. You could not see past my perfect charade...Or maybe you could,you just chose to ignore it,since there was nothing you could do anyway.I wish you knew how much I loved you,and that I would do anything to make you happy...But I wish you would see,even just for once,that the things that make you happy at times,are the very things that hurt me.
I am trying so hard to glue the pieces of this family back together.No one said life was easy...Nobody said it was this hard,either.But I'm coping...Day by day,I struggle to save myself from the person I might become because of all this pain...Maybe you,for once,could look at me and tell me all the words I needed to hear to make it all better...
Tell me that it is worth it...and prove it.
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