Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past.Knowing that my heart will break, but at least the pain will last...
How do you describe pain?Pain...I grew fond of blurting out the word whenever I'm in actual pain.Because nothing could ever define pain if not pain itself.
It's that undesirable feeling you have when you see him with the wrong one,knowing you're the right one.It's the fang of twisted emotions that feels like a thousand shattered pieces of broken glass are being injected into your chest.It's the destruction.It's the hopelessness.It's defeat.
It's hard for me to put pain into words now.If I am a good blogger then I should be able to write something that could make you feel pain,as if it is emanating from this entry.But what I'm feeling now is not pain.It's longing...It's regret.It's wishing for a second chance to bring the things back to how they were when it was all so simple.Now,I can't even look at myself without disdain.Cause I have hurt him.Again.
It has been two years since our friendship walked the long and winding road.You see---there are some things that are meant to be good and feel great,but you should know your limits.It's like riding a bus...It's fun,seeing the countryside,but you should know that at some point,you'd get off at a station,cause that is all you could afford.
What am I talking about? Friendship.Love.Pain.Someone wanted more than the other could give...And so it dwindled,while all I could do was sit back and watch.
Seriously...If you were in my place,would you have done otherwise?Would you have chosen to lie and say you felt the same way,or would you have gone straight out and tell it to his face that you just didn't like him?I didn't do either...And that made it worse.
Apparently,when you are given two choices,you have no choice but to choose.Even if it would end up hurting you,or whoever it is involved.Even if it meant suicide.Because choosing not to choose is not one of the options.I was so wrong.It killed me.It killed him.Because it put an end to the great friendship that used to be ours.
I hope he'd understand that I am hurting too.Had I chosen to lie to him and pretend...That would be like hell.I could have acted good enough to convince him that all was well,but how would my conscience be able to handle all the guilt if I did?All I wanted was friendship.That's all I could give him...
Had I chosen to say I didn't feel the same...What would become of me?I used to feel like I could never live without him,and if I told him that I could never be what he wanted me to be,he would have walked out of my life right there,right then.And I could never live with that.
Recently,we talked.He asked me how long would he still have to wait,and I was shocked.I didn't know he was waiting all along.It was only then that I realized how he must have taken my actions seriously--like how he would close his eyes everytime I leaned my head on his chest,how he would unconsciously stare at my hand when I casually put it on his knee.Those things didn't mean anything to me in a romantic way.I now realize,to him,they did.
That's why I feel bad.All these times,he'd been keeping his hopes up,and I had no intentions of being someone to him other than a friend.In my own desperate way of striving hard to keep him in my life,I've ruined him.Because I didn't want to hurt him,I've hurt him.
I could have been a better person,if not a better friend.I wanted to shield him from his own pain.Turns out,I was causing that pain.I wish there's somehow a way to turn all this around.I wish I could take away all the things that make him die inside.
If only it could be done,I'd do it for sure... :(
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