Goodbye Is The Only Way For Destiny

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Acceptance...Love...Understanding...

Where have all of these gone?

My eyes are so puffy from crying last night,and today I'm planning to just lock myself up in this room,because I don't want to see the world.I'm not yet ready.

Being respected and understood is a big deal for me.Maybe it's because I've experienced and am still experiencing a phase in my life wherein I can't be myself.I have to mold myself to whatever people expect me to be just so I wouldn't disappoint them.And I hate that.I really really hate that,and I am so tired.

That's why when I'm in here,I always make it a point to be the real me,or the closest I could get to that.When I'm talking with my friends,I make it a point to be true and honest,because I expect to be heard for a while,even if I oftentimes sound ridiculous,even if I talk nonsense.I'm showing them the real side of me that only they are allowed to see because I expect them to understand.I expect them to laugh it off,then in the end,make me feel accepted and loved,not ridiculed in front of my own self.I deserve to be respected,if not as a friend,a sister,a neighbor,a student,a daughter...then at least respect me as a human being.

I was just expressing my opinion.Just like all of you,there are things that matter to me.There are things that i couldn't live without,and there are things that are not worth my short attention span at all.And you should respect that because I am trying my damndest every second to respect you and your choices no matter how trivial they appear to be to me.You don't even have to ask me to understand because I do.I do understand how people can be so passionate about one thing,because I feel the same about certain things too.I understand you.Now ask yourself if you understand me.I need a friend who understands give and take...I can't be the only one giving...Nothing's left of me...

That might have sounded unfair,but it isn't.Look at it this way: I make my own choices here,okay?This is my f*cked up life and it's up to me to live it the way I want to.I don't force you into taking interest in the things I love.Should you do that to me?

I hate being put inside a box...I'm so tired,so tired of all these.It's so painful.Until now I feel like my heart is being shattered to pieces and just thinking about it makes me cry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry for ever existing in your perfect lives.I don't want to ruin in anymore with my stupidity,so goodbye.

I'm sorry for leaving this way.You know I don't want to.Just thinking of it makes me cry.But I have to.I have to go on and be myself and I just found out that you can't accept who I really am.How am I supposed to feel,finding that out?I've laid all my cards on the table,and I've lost.Maybe I've been too dependent on you...I expected you to say it's okay,it's okay even if it's not.Because for so long you've been doing that...You've been my fortress of comfort when the rest of the world turned their backs on me.

Now I want to run to you to make it all okay again but I can't.I used to say I'm alone but not lonely.Now,I am alone,and lonely.And it sucks because I can't find comfort anywhere.Everything tells me how I cannot be me cause I will never be loved for it.How am I supposed to feel?I thought I found somewhere to show the girl behind the mask-that is until I realized you're too good for me.And no matter what I do or who I become,I can never be enough...