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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Desperately Need You...


Just tell me what you want...

Cause I can't figure your mind out. All my life,I have been longing for love and acceptance. From you, from my Mom, from my sister, from my friends...I've tried so hard to be the best,not for myself,but for all of you...Because you made me feel like I am only loved when I went home with a gold medal in hand, with a Certificate to hang on the wall. If not for them, I would never be part of this family.

For two consecutive nights,I went to bed hungry because you didn't make dinner. One morning before going to school, you never spoke to me directly,but you made sure to make loud banging noises whenever you put down whatever it was you were holding, which was quite often.

It hurt me,but you didn't know.Did you even care? Do you even care?

I accidentally put on my sister's pants and she came to you almost crying because of it.Even though we wear the same size,you bought her a new pair immediately.You said that was what I got from my Mom, the habit of taking the things I didn't own.Did you know how painful that was for me?Not only because you were directly puttig me to shame,but also because I knew that in one way or another,you would always make it a point to rub it on my face how bad my Mom would always be.I was eating lunch and I asked you if we had any other available drink other than water, you made me a pitcher of orange juice. Guess what? You made me pay for the juice.

Today was not any better than those days. It was even worse, or perhaps it was the worst. You accused me of stealing my necklace from you. Why would I do that? I may be in dire need of money but I would never dream of stealing anything from anyone just to be able to cater to my needs. This, by far, is the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me.

I said no,I didn't.What was your response? You told me that it was impossible for it to just disappear like that. I don't even have the slightest idea where you put those jewelries. You're the one who's so fond of wearing them every Sunday to Church just so you could show them what we have,what we own.You said it was impossible for you to have misplaced or lost it,when in reality,the chances of you losing it is as fat as the chances of you losing a peso.You think you are so great as to not lose a piece of jewelry when as far as I know,you left it somewhere in your room,completely vulnerable and unkept.

You know,I may not be the best person in the world, but I have fear in God, and my conscience can never take such a thing. I'd rather starve to death than take what is not rightfully mine.I wish for just once you would believe me,but knowing you,you have already made your mind in what you should believe in before you asked me.

I wish you have the faintest idea of how your treatment is pushing me to the limits every single time.I pretend I'm alright,but you are my biggest fear.I am so scared of disappointing you,and when you are around I move as little as possible because I don't want to yet again make another stupid mistake in front of your observant eyes.I don't know what to do anymore to be able to please you...I think I'm growing tired...

I wish someday you'd see me as a person too...How long will it take for you to realize that I have feelings too...? That everytime you tell others how much better my sister is,it hurts,because I know that you know that I can hear you...I don't know what I did for you to treat me like trash, but if you think I'm this worthless, then why don't you just throw me out?

I may be of better use to someone else...

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